Okay guys and dolls, time for the first installment of the NEW Born on Rocky Top Weekly Fantasy Awards/Recaps! Because that's such a mouthful, and my mouth is already full of crow for predicting a win in Week 1 for my team, the illustrious I'm a MAN! I'm Forte!, I'll be shortening the title of this to it's new name (I'm going with pink this week because it's a cheerful color and might wake me up):
MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK
And yes, I know that it's Tuesday. That's the "slack" part. I'm going to be jazzing it up a bit with pictures, better fonts, etc etc as I go along but the general format will follow this standard: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.
Weekly Awards:
The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.
This week: Brady Gaga (187.5)
More on Brady Gaga to come, but it's safe to say that she put the hurting on everyone this week, and has to be considered an early favorite in the early going.
The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)
This week: Dapper Dooleys, helped out my Mr. Ryan Tannehill somehow scoring -2 points against the worst secondary this side of the color Green. That's a secondary color, right? Other candidates were Buffalo Stampede (helped out by -2pts from MY FUCKING PUNTER WHO HAD A ROOKIE SNAPPER FUCKING HIS FUCKING FACE WITH THE BALL, Brady Gaga (a small assist in her win as OAK Off posted in the red) and Mushin no Shin, who enjoyed a win over -.5pts from fantasy stud Jared Allen.
Molehill - Awarded to the team that had the Highest Efficiency Rating
This week: Brady Gaga (95.9%)
Brady Gaga, who dominated Week 1 thanks to 25.0pts from oft-injured Kevin Smith along with a host of other double-digit performances, also managed to leave almost nothing on the bench. Her 187.5pts was just 8 points off from her ideal total, and she would have beaten every other team by at least 20.
Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak
Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...
This week: TIE x5
Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win
This week: Chicks with Ditkas (139.5)
Chicks with Ditkas gets a gift in a light-weight Week 1 tilt with The Magnetic Turf where neither team managed to get firing on all cylinders. The Turf (I can call him that because "we tight") should rebound as Cam Newton improves but Ditkas may be in tough shape next week after losing Fred Jackson for a month with a sprained LCL.
Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections
Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in ATL the other night.
This week: Where are the projections? I seriously thought that we had those. Biggest upset in my Think-spot this week goes to Brady Gaga, who somehow got 25.0pts from Kevin Smith, 10.0pts from her Off and SIXTEEN POINT FIVE points from D'Quell Jackson. "D'Quell Jackson" sounds like the setup to a really bad pun. "Hey, what is Doug Funny's superhero alter ego name?" "I don't remember, I was 7 years old when that show came out." "D'QUELL JACKSON!". If anyone got that I will quote you next week.
MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating
Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.
This week: Magnetic Turf (76.2%)
Another sign of a rebound for The Magnetic Turf, as huge performances from Matty Ice and the Law Firm languished in Benchuria. All in all, lineup issues siphoned off 96.5pts, turning what should have been a victorious romp into a narrow loss.
Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory
This week: Dapper Dooleys (6pts)
A nail-biter for Dapper Dooleys this week as he edges out his good friend Bill, who's new to the leag--wait, no, that must be a coincidence. No collusion there. Well, John managed to triumph by a TD's worth, capitalizing on his opponent starting Ryan Tanneh--wait, that can't be right. So the Commissioner happens to play against a rookie opponent, his good friend, in Week 1, and that opponent "happens" to start a rookie QB, from Miami...that's two happens Mr. Commissioner. Do you know what I call 2 "happens" in a sentence? A happens-STANCE. The fact that you and Goodell both have auburn hair isn't a fact that I've missed either. Maybe you locked out the refs in our league too, huh? Nice cushy little 1-0 record to start the year, right? And then, oh, suddenly you're 15-0 and bringing down the GINGER HAMMER on the #6 seed. I'm watching you. The press will not be silenced!
Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:
"So I have the #3 TE and my punter going into the last game of the week against his WR3 and I get negative points from my punter? I vote to get rid of the position."
- I'm a MAN! I'm Forte!
"I should have known to start Romo in Week 1. He gains strength the farther he is from the postseason."
- Dapper Dooleys
"I have NOT 'always wanted to have a neighbor just like you'. Stop scoring points."
- Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, overheard talking to Brady Gaga
"Don't be a sore loser Nils. My KICKER was my top scorer this week."
- Buffalo Stampede
"zastudil - 1cy"
- The Magnetic Turf
(One of these quotes is real. I didn't even say mine.)
Next Week's "Featured Matchup":
The Magnetic Turf (0-1) vs. Brady Gaga (1-0)
A mismatch on paper, Candice better prepare her Nick F-f-f-f-folk-er face if she hopes to win out. With ideal lineup configurations it would appear that this match-up might be closer than first thought, and with Kevin Smith and D'Quell "Quailman" Jackson unlikely to post league-leading scores like in Week 1, she could come down with a serious case of Turf-toe. /puns
Trade Market Watch:
No Activity this Week
FA Hot Stocks:
Kevin Ogletree, WR DAL
Predicted Winning Bid: $5
Lance Moore, WR NOS
PWB: $4
Ed Reed, S BAL
PWB: $4
