Enough of the silly "statistic" posts. It's time to Rex Ryan this bitch! And I'm not talking "Geno Smith falls out of bounds desperation beating the Bucs" Rex Ryan. I mean OLD Rex. PUSSY-TUBING Rex that is so full of confidence that he needed lap-band surgery to keep from turning into Jerry Jones. So full of swagger he almost got sued by Dos Equis. So full of preseason hype in 2010 that Nils almost traded a RD2 pick for him! Let's go be Champions!
MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK
Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.
Weekly Awards:The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.
This week: Peyton Ma-Chicks with Ditkas (288.4)
You may call a quadriplegic in the bushes "Rustle" but you apparently call a post-op neck fusion QB in a home opener "Gold Mine". Peyton plain busted up the Dirty Birds in Week One, throwing for more TDs than TWO of those 3-boobed chicks from Total Recall and sealing a victory for the Lady Dongs after just one game. This was easily the highest score of the week even with the new point-per-tackle scoring system and was 7 points higher than the previous all-time record, accumulated in a 2 week span by the Kommissar back when Week 18 got a little funky. Is this pace sustainable? No. Is it even close to sustainable? Probably not. But consider this: The CWD beat the next highest scorer by 34 points this week. That's a top RB PLUS a top DE...or half of a Peyton Manning.
The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)
This week: Dawg Pounders
Oh David Wilson...if you had been this bad in Cast Away, Tom Hanks would never have cried to see you go... Viewed with glee as a potential top-10 back heading into a juicy match-up against Dallas, "The Wils that pay the Bills" instead paid his fantasy owner's opponents, coughing up 2 fumbles including 1 returned for a TD, all to the tune of -10.1pts That's the kind of performance that turns princesses into pumpkins, and it was the difference in Tracy's 207.4 to 200.0 win in Week One. Can David Wilson recover from this? Clifford the Big Red Dog could get lost in Tom Coughlin's dog house, and rumors abound that Brandon Jacobs has begin sniffing around the practice facility.
Oh David Wilson...if you had been this bad in Cast Away, Tom Hanks would never have cried to see you go... Viewed with glee as a potential top-10 back heading into a juicy match-up against Dallas, "The Wils that pay the Bills" instead paid his fantasy owner's opponents, coughing up 2 fumbles including 1 returned for a TD, all to the tune of -10.1pts That's the kind of performance that turns princesses into pumpkins, and it was the difference in Tracy's 207.4 to 200.0 win in Week One. Can David Wilson recover from this? Clifford the Big Red Dog could get lost in Tom Coughlin's dog house, and rumors abound that Brandon Jacobs has begin sniffing around the practice facility.
Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched
This week: The Over-Undertakers (39.8)
I think that everyone knew that this was going to go to a receiver considering that I think all 32 starting RBs were "started". I think that everyone assumed that all WR1s were being started as well. I guess "everyone" is a cockpanda and should pay more attention to the 49ers. Anquan Boldin cycled up the Delorean and traveled a decade into the past to bring his previous 200 year game back to the future and ravage the Packers. Newcomer Rob Rickman managed to overcome the benched performance of the week in a hard-fought win over 2012 3rd place finisher Midnight in the Gordon of Weeden and now the real debate over whether Boldin should be started in Week Two can begin.
Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak
Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...
This week: Everyone except Nils
Oh, I'm aware that 4 other teams lost this week. It just doesn't feel like it.
Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win
This week: Dawg Pounders (207.4)
This is of great note, as Tracy didn't have ONE of these Milton Berle "just enough to win" victories in 2012 and missed the playoffs despite leading the league in scoring. If she can get a few breaks to go her way this year she could have a shot at slipping into the title conversation despite a possibly weaker lineup. Then again, she can't play Anthony EVERY week...
This is of great note, as Tracy didn't have ONE of these Milton Berle "just enough to win" victories in 2012 and missed the playoffs despite leading the league in scoring. If she can get a few breaks to go her way this year she could have a shot at slipping into the title conversation despite a possibly weaker lineup. Then again, she can't play Anthony EVERY week...
Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections
Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in DEN the other night...
This week: No one
The magic's gone. Shutter the windows, lock the doors, let Peyton throw one last TD. This is a league of bullies, and no flowers will grow here.
MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating
Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.
This week: The Over-Undertakers (72.7%)
This number is somewhat misleading as Rob handily overcame his monstrous bench performances to still win his match up. The key thing to take away from it is instead how good his bench might be. Consider this: Rob's starter + nonstarter total was 401.6, the highest in the league, and the only team to sniff 400 combined points. Even if you look at ideal lineup scores he only falls to 2nd behind a powerful Chicks with Ditkas squad. Has a new superpower begun the climb up Rocky Top? Who will defend the villagers?!?
Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory
This week: Dawg Pounders (7.1 pts)
We've covered this in some detail already so instead of rehashing the match up again I prepared a joke. Wait, where is it? It was right here. Gosh. I must have left it at home. Sorry guys. I guess I really David Wilsoned the ball there.
Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:
"No running QB has ever won the super bowl. Steve Young was not a read option QB, he was a run after the play disrupts QB. Why do I feel like B.J. Raji is purposely going to fall on Kaepernick every chance he gets today? Look at Mike Vick, defensive players go out of their way to hit him after the play. Go to the body and the head will follow."
- Mushin no Shin, explaining in 3 concise sentences why we do not listen to his football advice
"Hmmm...Ideal lineup. No Tony G? But who could have been bett--MYERS!"
- Midnight in the Gordon of Weeden
"8 LBS? That's more than a gallon of milk!"
- Midnight in the Gordon of Weeden, who can barely lift a gallon of milk
"Rudolph two catches.
"Rudolph two catches.
Santa says next time he'll try
Martellus Bennett."
- Muscle 'N Flow
"And did you SEE David Wilson fumble the ball? I mean, ex-QUEEZE me but have you ever heard of ticky-tack?"
- Cordarrelicte Campain
Next Week's "Featured Match-up":
Chicks with Ditkas (1-0) vs. The Over-Undertakers (1-0)
The evil we know versus the evil living next door to the evil we know...I know! One of you guys needs a TE. Perhaps one from New England. "Gronk"? What is a "Gronk." No baby, SUDFELD. He's like...a whole SYLLABLE better than Gronksisname. How many targets did he get last week? More than Gronk, I'll tell you that!
Trade for my TEs.
Trade for my TEs.
