MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK
Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.
Weekly Awards:
The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.
This week: Sir Jardarelle Patterstokes (227.5)
The Kommissar picked a darn good time to put up the 4th highest point total in the history of the Rocky Top. His back against the wall and facing elimination in the form of a 38 pt deficit heading into the final week of his match up against his sister-shell Candice, John's elites responded with some of their best performances. A ridiculous TEN players scored twelve or more points, andBRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHMMMMMM Oh my God! It's Matt Stafford and Leonardo DicaprBRRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMM What's that noise?!? The walls are melting!! Tom Hardy is so handsoBRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHMMMM
Matt Stafford: Starring in Christopher Nolan's new masterpiece: Interception
Matt Stafford: Starring in Christopher Nolan's new masterpiece: Interception
The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)
This week: Replacement Refs Gone Wild
I feel dirty giving this award to Phil as Josh Freeman's of the newly purchased Chinese Mafia was arguably only the THIRD worst QB performance of the week. The Sanchize put up an identical -4.0 pt performance but wasn't started. Matty Stafford put up an unGodly -12.0 and Elisha Manning managed to trade TAINTs and TDs to the tune of a net zero. None of the performances ended up making a difference in the eventual outcomes but it was truly a terrible week for QBs. Tim Tebow, his Fumbliness himself, scored more points than FIVE owned QBs in Week 15.
I feel dirty giving this award to Phil as Josh Freeman's of the newly purchased Chinese Mafia was arguably only the THIRD worst QB performance of the week. The Sanchize put up an identical -4.0 pt performance but wasn't started. Matty Stafford put up an unGodly -12.0 and Elisha Manning managed to trade TAINTs and TDs to the tune of a net zero. None of the performances ended up making a difference in the eventual outcomes but it was truly a terrible week for QBs. Tim Tebow, his Fumbliness himself, scored more points than FIVE owned QBs in Week 15.
Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched
This week: Chicks with Ditkas (31.0)
Literally, tight ends are the bane of my existence. Not only did Brandon Myers score 3.0 out of a projected 32.0 pts during our 2 week match up, not ONLY did my former TE: Antonio "Boat Trash" Gates score 17.0 pts during the same time frame, not ONLY did Russell's starting TE Greg Olson score 10.0 this week to be the margin of victory...but his backup TE, Dennis Pitta, put up the highest TE output of the week on his bench, just to rub it in. Way to win classy, Russell. I hope that you start Pitta in the finals and he gets traded to the Cardinals.
Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak
Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...
This week: Chicks with Ditkas (2W)
I would get into this but it's too darn painful. Scroll down to the Gregor Clegane for the gory details.
Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win
This week: Chicks with Ditkas (159.5)
Do you know what the worst part is? 9.5 of these points were from LAST week. The CWD just won with 3 "Doug Martins".
Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections
Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in NO the other night...
This week: Chicks with Ditkas (31.0 pt underdog, 11.5 pt winner)
This represents a two week total of a 59.5 point spread, which Russell turned into an 11.5 pt win. This was not "a scrappy comeback". This was not "the last 5 minutes of Friday Night Lights". This was Micronesia entering WW2 and shaving Hitler's stasche with a coconut. This was the "Super Happy Ending" from Wayne's World--nay! From Wayne's World TWO. This was a dream, within a dreaBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMOh, God damnit Matt...
MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating
Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.
This week: Chinese Mafia (52.7%)
Is that a record? That has to be a record. 93.0 out of a possible 176.5 points, with not one, but two 29.0 pt WR performances on the bench. Da's first formal match up went less than ideally as he failed to top 100 points and posted the lowest point total of the year, ranking 5th all-time for futility in scoring. Hopefully brighter days lie ahead in 2013 but for now his team resembles that of a Matt Millen-run franchise.
Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory
This week: Chicks with Ditkas (11.5 pts)
Oh, God damnit. Let's talk about something else. Candice's team blew a giant lead. Like HUGE. Bet she's really steamed about that. Maybe she should come in and write a 3000 word article on it. I bet that's theraputic. Also, Jeremy had a 59% ER this week. That guy can't catch a break this year. Know who else can't catch? BRANDON MYERS.
Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:
"I would like to take a minute to introduce myself as the new owner of the Chinese Mafia, formerly known as the Appalachian Refugees. Certainly being Chinese in Appalachia made us refugees, but this shall no longer be the case! I'd like to thank Nils (the only time I will ever do so) for nominating me to this wonderful league, I have heard much about it and look forward to competing with all of you.
The word rebuilding is a terrible one for a team, and as such I am not using that word. However, I do have money and cap room and do intend on restoring the legacy of this team. Or at least building a new legacy. I am open to discussions about anyone and am looking forward to a productive offseason and getting to know all of you.
My attention now turns to this week - although the team could not pull of the upset last week it was a hard fought battle, and we will not be relegated to last place without a fight. Game on, wild replacement refs, game on. "
The word rebuilding is a terrible one for a team, and as such I am not using that word. However, I do have money and cap room and do intend on restoring the legacy of this team. Or at least building a new legacy. I am open to discussions about anyone and am looking forward to a productive offseason and getting to know all of you.
My attention now turns to this week - although the team could not pull of the upset last week it was a hard fought battle, and we will not be relegated to last place without a fight. Game on, wild replacement refs, game on. "
- New Chinese Mafia manager Da Chang, days before posting the 5th worst score in the history of the league and losing by nearly double his score. Here's hoping for a "Great Leap Forward". Boom, Mao joke.
"So last week I missed covering the spread by 30+ points. The spread this week IS 30 pts. KARMA, I CHALLENGE THEE: MAKE ME A WINNER FOR MY SACRIFICE LAST WEEK"
- DreamBoat Trash manager Nils Ferm, days before missing the spread again and drunk-dialing Antonio Gates
"The chiefs are playing the Jaguars for the metaphorical first round pick. Both have two wins and if one wins a game they lose the pick. If your game plan is to lose, then I don't think there is another team I'd wager on than a Romeo Crennel coached Chiefs team that is trying to tank the season.
Since Johnson is your only hope and he needs 24 points, beware of the two tackle pass defended syndrome from the other defensive player on CWDs. The gut punch is being warmed up for you Nils."
Since Johnson is your only hope and he needs 24 points, beware of the two tackle pass defended syndrome from the other defensive player on CWDs. The gut punch is being warmed up for you Nils."
- Mushin no Shin, days before being 100% correct
"Martellus Bennett
"Martellus Bennett
wish he was Dwayne Allen or
Aaron Hernandez"
- Brady Gaga
"We have to go deeper - throw the ball into TRIPLE coverage now."
- Matt Stafford
"There can be only one."
-Kommissar, emerging from his lazurus pod, dripping with the embryonic tears of one thousand feral kittens. His beard burns with ginger fire and his Tennessee shirt strains to cover bulges that could possibly be muscles. The cycle of the Soulgazer hive-transfer is complete for another year. Candice is now dormant, her lifespark muted in a hibernation that will keep her host body fresh until the next fall. Lying still, she twitches once, twice. She sleeps...perchance she dreams?
"There can be only one."
-Kommissar, emerging from his lazurus pod, dripping with the embryonic tears of one thousand feral kittens. His beard burns with ginger fire and his Tennessee shirt strains to cover bulges that could possibly be muscles. The cycle of the Soulgazer hive-transfer is complete for another year. Candice is now dormant, her lifespark muted in a hibernation that will keep her host body fresh until the next fall. Lying still, she twitches once, twice. She sleeps...perchance she dreams?
Next Week's "Featured Match-up":
Chicks with Ditkas (10-4) vs. Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (11-3)
This is it. The big one. #1 vs. #2 seed for all of the marbles. Will Matty Stafford post positive numbers? Will Gronk "gronk" stuff? Can you soulgaze a person who may not indeed have a soul? What kind of berry are Crunchberries modeled after? If you sneeze into a strong wind will it just float there for a second as contrasting velocities equalize? Does anyone know what Buckcherry is doing these days? Does anyone want to trade Nils a TE? ALL QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED NEXT WEEK
