Welcome back to another edition of your favorite weekly recap/awards column! In this week's edition, we find out if our author was successful in picking his upset of the week, if Antonio Gates can ask pertinent questions (according to the site he's "Questionable") and who really killed Laura Palmer!
MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK
Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.
Weekly Awards:
The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.
This week: Dawg Pounders (195.0)
Handed the short end of a close decision in Week 1, Tracy fully let the dawgs out in her match-up with Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood, running up the score late and setting a new standard for this category. Incredibly Demarius Thomas led the attack with 21.0 pts, meaning that Pounders had the 3rd lowest top scorer in the league this week. Then again, Thomas was the only Bronco to catch more passes from Manning than the Falcons defense.
The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)
This week: The Magnetic Turf
It was a very impressive Week 2 performance from all teams as there were only 2 total net negative players,and only Kamerion Wimbley's -1.0pt was scored in a losing effort. After coming out hot last week Brady Gaga couldn't quite get the same mojo going against The Turf, and despite another 14.5pts from "The Quell-man" she couldn't make it to 2-0.
It was a very impressive Week 2 performance from all teams as there were only 2 total net negative players,and only Kamerion Wimbley's -1.0pt was scored in a losing effort. After coming out hot last week Brady Gaga couldn't quite get the same mojo going against The Turf, and despite another 14.5pts from "The Quell-man" she couldn't make it to 2-0.
Molehill - Awarded to the team that had the Highest Efficiency Rating
This week: Dapper Dooleys (100.0%)
Well yours truly's prediction that the 95.9% efficiency rating Brady Gaga put up last week would stick around fell flat almost immediately. British Dandy John Anderson played his team like an adorable harpsichord, racking up an impressive 190.0 pts and the second highest scoring total of the week. Excellent picking, or thin bench? Well, Dapper's bench did score only 44.5 pts, third lowest non-starter total of Week 2, so he could be in for a letdown next week. However, he also only had 2 players score over 20.0 pts, so there could be a net lateral disguised as regression in Week 3.
Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak
Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...
This week: TIE Buffalo Stampede, Dapper Dooleys
Another week in and we have our division leaders. Neyland Stadium again appears to be the weaker of the 2 divisions, posting up a net scoring average below 150pts/week. However both divisions are carrying 3 teams that have posted Pythagorean scores under .500. Don't expect me to do those all the time by the way. I had a league where people had to do PythaKorean scores and it was so much easier. Kim Ill-sun always wins.
Another week in and we have our division leaders. Neyland Stadium again appears to be the weaker of the 2 divisions, posting up a net scoring average below 150pts/week. However both divisions are carrying 3 teams that have posted Pythagorean scores under .500. Don't expect me to do those all the time by the way. I had a league where people had to do PythaKorean scores and it was so much easier. Kim Ill-sun always wins.
Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win
This week: I'm a MAN I'm Forte! (147.5)
THE GOOD GUYS WIN! THE GOOD GUYS WIN! EVERYONE GETS FACE KISSES IN TIMES SQUARE! But seriously, too close guys.
Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections
Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in ATL the other night.
This week: The Magnetic Turf
Last week I gazed into my crystal ball (bottom of a clear glass bowl of chips) and predicted an upset in the making for The Turf. Count me down as 1-0. Turf's tilt with Week 1 juggernaut Brady Gaga was truly impressive, as not only did he upset the Week 1 scoring champ, but he did it by over performing his MFL projections by almost 30 points. Going off of MFL's predictions Candice was primed for a 181.0 to 154.5 pt victory, and instead suffered a 179.5-139.0 pt defeat. She'd better add some iron to her diet because she caught a case of Osteopor-throwsis going against the Magnets. The upset was manufactured in part behind standout performances from Vernon Davis (24.0) and especially Victor Cruz (34.0). No comment on whether Phil did the salsa as a victory dance.
Last week I gazed into my crystal ball (bottom of a clear glass bowl of chips) and predicted an upset in the making for The Turf. Count me down as 1-0. Turf's tilt with Week 1 juggernaut Brady Gaga was truly impressive, as not only did he upset the Week 1 scoring champ, but he did it by over performing his MFL projections by almost 30 points. Going off of MFL's predictions Candice was primed for a 181.0 to 154.5 pt victory, and instead suffered a 179.5-139.0 pt defeat. She'd better add some iron to her diet because she caught a case of Osteopor-throwsis going against the Magnets. The upset was manufactured in part behind standout performances from Vernon Davis (24.0) and especially Victor Cruz (34.0). No comment on whether Phil did the salsa as a victory dance.
MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating
Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.
This week: Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood (72.8%)
Mr. Rodger's was "Err-in" this week as some poor prognostication led to a league-high 94.0 points left on the bench, and an eventual loss against The Dawg Pounders. You can't blame Phil too much as he likely wouldn't have beaten Tracy anyway, but leaving performances like Dwayne Bowe's 30.0pts on the sidelines certainly didn't help his cause.
Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory
This week: I'm a MAN I'm Forte (7pts)
7 points. Despite being up 38 going into the final night. Ladies, Gentlemen, gather round and let me spin you the tale of a Monday night most fell:
There once once was a boy named Pey-pey
his passes he did he like to stray,
Matt Ice's did not
The Falcons stayed hot,
In Tony G's hands they would stay.
Only two players remaining to go,
and Bill's "The Burner's" quite slow
but a vulture touch down
gave Nils a frown
why didn't they let Matt Ryan throw?
Ere the waddy strew fyre,
luminous replacement umpire
effigy call bestroke to--STOP SCORING JIMMY AND BILL I KNOW YOU WANT TO WIN BUT I NEED THIS
I call it "If I'd won last week I wouldn't care as much" It's a think-piece.
There once once was a boy named Pey-pey
his passes he did he like to stray,
Matt Ice's did not
The Falcons stayed hot,
In Tony G's hands they would stay.
Only two players remaining to go,
and Bill's "The Burner's" quite slow
but a vulture touch down
gave Nils a frown
why didn't they let Matt Ryan throw?
Ere the waddy strew fyre,
luminous replacement umpire
effigy call bestroke to--STOP SCORING JIMMY AND BILL I KNOW YOU WANT TO WIN BUT I NEED THIS
I call it "If I'd won last week I wouldn't care as much" It's a think-piece.
Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:
"So I was going to write a limerick this week. What rhymes with-- HOLY FLYING FUCKMONKEY ON A BROOM STOP SCORING GET LAUREN HILL AND GET THE FUCK BACK TO HAITI WITH THIS SHIT"
- I'm a MAN! I'm Forte!
"I think Nils is on to me. I should probably let my opponent set his own lineup this week. I'll just make sure I have a 100.0 efficiency score and the division lead. Hey, is that Nils dressed in a trench coat reading the paper? Why is there an eye hole cut into the paper? Hey Nils!"
- Dapper Dooleys
"Seriously, what does you name mean? It's been years and I have no clue. Did Mushin Mohammed break his shin? Do you own sled dogs? What gives?"
- Brady Gaga, overhead talking to Mushin No Shin's GM Anthony LeBude by a completely unremarkable stranger wearing a totally real mustache
"Word of advice? NEVER bring up how bad the Browns are to Tracy. Don't even mention it in your column as a joke. I'm serious. She's the one that stampeded my Buffalo."
- Buffalo Stampede
"Double digit start
twisted ankle lays an egg
Aaron Hernandez"
- Brady Gaga
"Double digit start
twisted ankle lays an egg
Aaron Hernandez"
- Brady Gaga
Next Week's "Featured Match-up":
Buffalo Stampede (2-0) vs. Dapper Dooleys (2-0)
The division lead ends for one and extends for the other in a showdown of early season favorites. The stats are nearly identical, with both teams scoring around 165 pts and giving up 150 per week. Notable is that the Stampede will be starting at least 3 players acquired from Dapper Dooleys in their off season blockbuster deal. Will John be bitten by his own trade hubris? Will Jeremy get another 501 passing yards from Elisha Manning? DID JOHN KILL LAURA PALMER? We'll find out.
Trade Market Watch:
HUGE trading week this week, with 2 deals going down and a third scheduled to clear waivers on Thursday.
I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! GAVE UP: RIDLEY, STEVAN NEP RB SANU, MOHAMED CIN WR CHICKS WITH DITKAS GAVE UP: JACKSON, FRED BUF RB JEFFERY, ALSHON CHI WR YEAR 2013 ROUND 1 DRAFT PICK FROM CHICKS WITH DITKAS
I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! GAVE UP: RIDLEY, STEVAN NEP RB SANU, MOHAMED CIN WR CHICKS WITH DITKAS GAVE UP: JACKSON, FRED BUF RB JEFFERY, ALSHON CHI WR YEAR 2013 ROUND 1 DRAFT PICK FROM CHICKS WITH DITKAS
Yours truly works a possible sell-high deal with Chicks GM Russell Ries for the enigmatic Stevan Ridley. Chicks needed to bolster his RB corps after Fred Jackson's untimely LCL sprain and he may have landed a top-15 RB, or overpaid for an excellent W1 outlier. Based on his Week 2 performance Ridley still appears to be the former, but Shane Vereen gets healthier every day and was a very late scratch for the Patriots this passed Sunday. Forte gets back a burgeoning WR in Jeffery as well as a first round pick. Sanu is an interesting piece but has yet to earn a defined role on the Bengals, and may have been edged out of the WR2 targets by Andre Hawkins. Jackson has vowed to be out no later than 4 weeks and is a decent upside piece but his replacement CJ Spiller has decided to be the best player in football so yeah. Waste.
BUFFALO STAMPEDE GAVE UP: SCHAUB, MATT HOU QB BRADY GAGA GAVE UP: JENKINS, JANORIS STL CB YEAR 2013 ROUND 2 DRAFT PICK FROM BRADY GAGA
An interesting deal here in that I think it was very fair value for Shaub, a tricky player to place in the QB hierarchy. He has excellent weapons in Andre Johnson and Foster/Tate but has at times seemed to be a mediocre quarterback in a solid system. There are no pictures on the score board though, and a RD2 pick with a CB flier is a reasonable price for someone that should be, if not in the conversation for top-10, comfortably in the top-15 at his position.
- I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! WILL GIVE
YEAR 2014 ROUND 4 DRAFT PICK FROM I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! - TO BRADY GAGA FOR
FITZPATRICK, RYAN BUF QB
Seriously you guys? Can we just let this go through? It's a 4th rounder for a Bills QB. I forgot I'd even proposed it.
FA Hot Stocks:
Not a lot here this week as most of the top scorers were bad QB outlier performances or backups getting a shot while starters recoup from injury. Dante Rosario might get a few dollars but Gates appears to be healthy enough to start in Week 3, and Ryan Matthews should replace the Jackie Battle carries once he returns from his broken collar bone.
We did, you guys. We ALL did.
