MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK
Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.
Weekly Awards:
The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.
This week: Buffalo Stampede (195.5)
Back to back weeks as the highest scoring team on the Rocky Top must have Jeremy experiencing altitude-induced euphoria. A major spoiler situation is brewing amidst his herd of thundering hooves as in consecutive weeks his squad has taken down playoff hopeful Mushin no Shin and absolutely annihilated Appalachian Refugees. The Stampede play against current 3rd seed I'm a MAN I'm Forte! in the final week of the regular season and an upset win there could knock them out of the playoff hunt completely with the help of Gaga and Dawg Pounder wins. As for this week Jeremy was able to revel in the performance of rookie Janoris Jenkins whose 2 pick-6s led the way to a 28.0 pt performance, the 2nd highest scoring output ever for a CB in the history of the league.
The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)
This week: NA
No negative performances by starting players this week and players appear to have righted the ship on that front as it's now been two weeks si-DING Oh, the doorbell! Pardon me. Why hell Sir, what can I do for you? Oh, a package? From Detroit? Whatever could it be???
No negative performances by starting players this week and players appear to have righted the ship on that front as it's now been two weeks si-DING Oh, the doorbell! Pardon me. Why hell Sir, what can I do for you? Oh, a package? From Detroit? Whatever could it be???
Dear Nils,
Please accept this interception from last week. The clock ran out and I was unable to throw it during regulation so I wanted to make sure to drop it in the mail first thing.
Hugs and Kisses Always,
Matt Stafford
What a fine young gentleman!
Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched
This week: The Magnetic Turf (41.0)
I spent from Thursday until Monday thinking that this award was going to TMT for his benched QB, and yet it wasn't Cam Newton that I had pegged. RGIII put up an astounding 34.0 pts on Turkey Day that was completely demolished by the Panther Puppy in a virtuoso performance that was the 3rd best by a QB all season. 2 TDs on the ground 2 TDs in the air, over 300 passing yards...did he register a sack? I'm pretty sure that he had a sack. Regardless, Newton's numbers were certainly missed
Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak
Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...
This week: Chicks with Ditkas (5W)
Big wins, small wins, some as big as your head... By week 6 it could be safely assumed that Russel's rapacious rapscallions were playoff contenders but no one could have predicted that he'd evolve into "Dapper East" with a 9-3 record and the 3rd most points scored. Unlike Sir Jardarelle Patterstokes he's managed to do it with a fairly average opponent performance output as well. He finishes against The Magnetic Turf in Week 13 but can sit back easy and enjoy it as he has an unshakable lock in the 2nd seed at the very least. This week's heroes were good ol' boy Peyton Manning (20.0 pts) and the Houston offensive line (18.0 pts), who rumbled to 205 rushing yards and 3 TDs.
Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win
This week: Chicks with Ditkas (156.0)
Okay, so Russel's been a LITTLE lucky...
Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections
Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in NO the other night...
This week: Brady Gaga (12.0 pt underdog, 6.5 pt winner)
Not a huge swing in points this week as the lone upset was a nail-biter. Tracy's inconsistent pack stumbled yet again, putting the playoffs in serious jeopardy and keeping title hopes in play for the Mother Monster. The Dawgs will have to beat top seed Patterstokes for a last chance but they'll need some help, most of all from Mushin no Shin, the Week 13 opponent for the Dreamboat.
Not a huge swing in points this week as the lone upset was a nail-biter. Tracy's inconsistent pack stumbled yet again, putting the playoffs in serious jeopardy and keeping title hopes in play for the Mother Monster. The Dawgs will have to beat top seed Patterstokes for a last chance but they'll need some help, most of all from Mushin no Shin, the Week 13 opponent for the Dreamboat.
MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating
Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.
This week: The Magnetic Turf (77.1%)
Much of this ER score stems from the 3 elite QBs on Phil's roster as it's a crap shoot deciding which one to start from week to week. Sadly this week Matt Ryan was the worst choice by far as his 15.0 pts was well behind the 34.0 pts of RGIII and the aforementioned 41.0 pts scored by Car Cam-rod. Also whiffing on Jermaine Gresham (13.0) and Andre Roberts (19.0) just added insult to injury in a crucial contest against notorious blabbermouth Forte.
Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory
This week: Brady Gaga (6.5 pts)
A much needed win for the Teutonic Minutewomen this week as mentioned above.
Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:
"Projected finishes for all 5 6-5 teams:
Dawg Pounders: 2-0
Forte: 2-0
Gaga: 1-1
Mushin: 0-2
Turf: 0-2
So naturally I've just jinxed Tracy and myself...."
Dawg Pounders: 2-0
Forte: 2-0
Gaga: 1-1
Mushin: 0-2
Turf: 0-2
So naturally I've just jinxed Tracy and myself...."
- I'm a MAN I'm Forte!, shockingly not jinxing himself this week.
"
"
- Dawg Pounders
"Falcons receiver Julio Jones wasn't slowed by his ankle injury Sunday against Tampa Bay. He caught six passes for 147 yards and a touchdown. Really? because earlier reports had him fitted for a boot, limping until age 40, and looking for a cadaver for an ankle replacement. I'm getting the oddest notion that the news items about individual players are about as useful as preseason reports or the teams do not release truthful information about injuries.
Well, I'm behind by a half point with a LB to play against CWD's TE and DE. I'm sure his players will drop a twenty spot on my lowly rookie LB. On to obscurity and the rookie draft."
Well, I'm behind by a half point with a LB to play against CWD's TE and DE. I'm sure his players will drop a twenty spot on my lowly rookie LB. On to obscurity and the rookie draft."
- Mushin no Shin, who still researched better than I did as I heard the Paul Simon song "Me and Julio down by the Schoolyard" and thought JJ was fine.
"SIDNEY RICE? SEEMSGOODTOME ADD"
- Sir Jardarelle Patterstokes
"Aaron Hernandez
"Aaron Hernandez
may your ankle sprain for John
like roster herpes"
- Brady Gaga
- Brady Gaga
"SIDNEY RICE? NOTDSTHISWEEKMUSTNOTBERIPEYET THROWHIMBACK DROP"
-Sir Jardarelle Patterstokes
Next Week's "Featured Match-up":
Brady Gaga (7-5) vs. Mushin no Shin (6-6)
Gaga goes for the 4th seed as Anthony tries to scratch his way back into the conversation. Unlikely that he can do it as he'd need to win, get losses AND pass a few teams in points, but a Mushin win plus a Dawgs win could still mean that Candice's season ends Monday night. I've got a no Shin that she'll do anything to prevent that from happening...
Trade Market Watch:
I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! GAVE UP: RIVERS, PHILIP SDC QB HEYWARD-BEY, DARRIUS OAK WR DAVIS, FRED WAS TE DOLPHINS, MIAMI MIA OFF YEAR 2013 ROUND 1 DRAFT PICK FROM I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! YEAR 2013 ROUND 1 DRAFT PICK FROM CHICKS WITH DITKAS REPLACEMENT REF'S GONE WILD GAVE UP: DALTON, ANDY CIN QB YEAR 2014 ROUND 3 DRAFT PICK FROM REPLACEMENT REF'S GONE WIL
SIR JARDARRELLE PATTERSTOKES PROPOSED A TRADE WITH BRADY GAGA: SIR JARDARRELLE PATTERSTOKES WILL GIVE RUDOLPH, KYLE MIN TE; LANDRY, LARON NYJ S; YEAR 2013 ROUND 2 DRAFT PICK FROM SIR JARDARRELLE PATTERSTOKES TO BRADY GAGA FOR HERNANDEZ, AARON NEP TE
A pair of decently large trades this week as the second shoe finally dropped after the Roethlisberger injury for Nils and the Gronk injury for John. With Rudolph suffering a concussion in his first game for Gaga it would seem that the Kommisar's magic is still strong, but Andy Dalton (plus 6 years off of the cap) is a tremendous improvement over Chad Henne or Philip Rivers and could pave the way to the playoffs for years to come. Nils has now traded away 6 RD1 picks in the last 12 months. To be fair the only RD1 pick that I actually did make was Mark Ingram so it's not like I've been missing out.
FA Hot Stocks:
Backups and injury replacements are the flavor of the day in BORT. Here are a few of the names that should garner bids over $1:
Julian Edelman, WR NEP
Shane Vereen, RB NEP
Shane Vereen, RB NEP
Mohammed Sanu, WR CIN
