Week 7 Recap

Because I'd done it already to give myself peace of mind, here are what the standings would look like if everyone's schedule was normalized:

Thompson Boling Arena:
Dawg Pounders
Replacement Refs Gone Wild
Cordarrelicte Campaign
Mushin no Shin
Muscle and Flow

Neyland Stadium:
Chicks with Ditkas
Midnight in the Gordon of Weeden
Jimmy Swaggart's Holy Ghost Revival
The Over/Undertakers
Chinese Mafia

Some interesting things come to mind when looking at this.  1) Neyland Stadium would basically be the same as last season if competition was normalized, indicating that while the standings appear different, it's reasonable to assume that the relative talent levels of the teams remain unchanged, 2) Compared to 2012's overall power rankings, the only major differences are major drops by the Andersons, moving from 1st to 7th and from 4th to 10th respectively.  The declines at RB and QB have essentially taken away their competitive edges, though a favorable opposition scoring variance has been enough to keep John's record looking spiffy.  But enough about this, on to another (delayed, sorry) Weekly Recap!

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Cordarrelicte Campaign (232.7)

And of course right after I mention that John's match ups have been favorable he goes ahead and dominates Week 7.  It's interesting to note, however, that this was the lowest top weekly scoring output of the season, and only raised John's seasonal weekly point average to 206.4, 6th in the league and ahead of only Chinese Mafia in Neyland Stadium.  Will the bottom drop out though?  The Go-for-twolander faces 3 top teams in the next 4 weeks and the outlying match is an always-tough Anderson-only match.  Then again, every week Trent Richardson has to learn to Colts playbook is another week closer to getting that stable of RB1s back to full strength, and with 5 wins already in the bank John could play .500 ball the rest of the season and likely still make the playoffs.

The Dolly Parton - Awarded to a trade that needs to happen RIGHT NOW (As in: these teams need some "artificial enhancement" ASAP)

This week: Chinese Mafia gives $9, Over/Undertakers gives one of their MANY 2014 RD2 picks, Emmannuel Sanders and Wesley Woodyard
This almost actually happened!  This would be the first clear Boat Trash trade of the season.  Rob has managed to take the league by storm behind the stellar play of Tony Romo and Julius Thomas, but is perilously close to running out of both CY room and FAAB.  Without the fuel to keep this engine running he's in danger of sputtering right when it matters most.  Da, on the other hand, is playing for 2014, or maybe 2015.  $9 may not sound like a lot, but that's 4 weeks of bye week filler players, and the 7 (!) contract years Rob would shed in this deal would also go a long way to ensuring that he'd be able to play the wire the rest of the season.  Too late of a suggestion?  Balderdash!  Rob has more picks, still needs cash and cap room, and Da's got stacks on stacks on sweet green backs.

Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched

This week: Muscle and Flow  (33.5)

And if we're talking about rebuilding teams...  I think it might be time to pull the plug on Candace's 2013.  Andy Dalton wouldn't have made a difference this week, and though Tom Brady is doing his best to make sure that Nils doesn't make out too well in last year's deal, Dalton may not be a long-term solution to the QB position.  At 2-5 and neck and neck with Da for the top overall draft pick Teddy Bridgewater has to be looming large.  There are some trades to be made to tank the ROS and set up better for a more realistic run next year, and I wouldn't be surprised if we didn't start seeing some trade polls go up in the next few weeks.

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: Cordarrelicte Campaign (4 wins)

Arian Foster injured?  Don't Tate, participate.  Trent Richardson ineffective?  Things still trenting upwards.  Percy Harvin out for 8 weeks?  Probably off harvin' jack-o'lanterns.  Say whatever you want about points per week or a fall off from 2012.  John's won 4 in a row, 5 of 7, and it took only 8 wins to make the playoffs last season.  Sitting in his dank cavern, shrouded in the skins of fallen foes, the Kommissar laughs at your dubious glances.

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   Mushin no Shin  (183.6)
After a brutal loss last week Anthony's French Pirate Lovers (arrrrrmour) lucked into an increasingly rare dud by Jimmy Swaggart's Holy Ghost Revival, eking out a 8.2pt win despite scoring 19pts below their seasonal weekly average.  After a hot start The Samurai Mimes have scored only 214, 184 and 183 points in the last 3 weeks, and have tumbled from first in their division to third.  Is the defensive revolution finally over, or have the RB injuries just been too much to overcome?  So far this season in BORT all of the RB-needy teams have held off making trades because they've still been winning, but one wonders whether the first deal will signal a stampede.

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in DEN the other night...

This week: Mushin no Shin (45.5pt projected loss, 8.2pt win)

Another come from behind win, another total belly-flop by Anthony's opponent.  There's no picture on the scorecard and given enough time everyone IS what their record says they are, but 53pt swings are NOT a normal occurrence, even with how terrible the MFL projection software is.  Maybe it's not Anthony though.  Let's take a look:

Jimmy Swaggart's Holy Ghost Revival point output, weeks 1-7:

230.6

222.6

233.6

218.1

170.4

306.4

175.4

Hmmm...so very consistent, except for the last 3 weeks, where there was WILD volatility in scoring.  What's changed the last 3 weeks?  Well, there was the fact that Phil started Rashad Jennings in Week 5 as his RB1...but the big one is Mr. Cam Newton, who went: 4.8, 36.7, 15.8.  Players that score a lot of points are stars.  Players that score a GOOD amount of points every time you play them are superstars.

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.

This week:  Muscle and Flow (61.6%)

YIKES.  This is what happens when you have the largest benched performance (Andy Dalton's 33.4 as noted above) AND the largest negative scoring output (Jay Cutler with a possible record -7.9).  On the bright side, Cutler appears to be done for the season, so he'll post nice neutral zeroes going forward...

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  Dawg Pounders (0.6 pts)

2012: Hey Tracy.

Tracy: Yeah 2012?

2012: Rememer when you scored the most points in the league last year but didn't make the playoffs?  Well you left something behind.  Here's that other shoe.  I'll just drop it right here.

Tracy: kthanxbye

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"If Nils has an embarrassment of riches at running back, what would the opposite be in my case?  Just an embarrassment of running backs.  How many actual NFL touches does a player need before they are considered a running back?  I'm starting Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney this week.  Sing it with me.  "Ellington and Ivory, run together in perfect harmony, side by side on my roster, keyboard, oh no,! Why don't we go.""

- Mushin no Shin.  It's actually called a "Hillis".  As in: "You need to trade me an RB man.  I'm starting a Hillis this week!"

"Which I'm still confused by. What was the scoring change? I am protesting until I get an explanation.

Nils is a 39.9 point favorite this week even though I would have beaten him last week. 

NOBODY BELIEVES IN US!"

- Chinese Mafia.  Trivia fact!  No one in North America believed in Chinese people until Katy Perry's pop single "Firework" educated them on the history of the contributions of the Asian culture.  Trivia fact #1: Her exploding brassieres were originally designed to be hats!

"I don't know WHAT he wanted, he just kept rubbing my hamstrings and mumbling "Roll Tide, roll tide, roll my beautiful RB2, roll that tide..."

- New Indianapolis Colts RB Trent Richardson, confiding to police about a break in at his motel where a bearded assailant managed to both terrify him as well as give him a very satisfying deep-tissue massage.

"Jay Cutler pick-six
maybe Bennett should play defense?
A McCown spells doom."

- Muscle 'N Flow

"Beaten by Tracy?  Boykin those dawgs play..."

- Chinese Mafia.  Okay, that one wasn't that bad.

"Where do you find such info and if true allz I'm sayin is 5-3-0 after this week...jinxes or not I'm sayin it!! Tired of you dawgin me and keeping my mouth shut!! Go Dawgs!!"

-Dawg Pounders.  Exclamation points: 6, Misspellings: 5, Beatdowns about to be put on Anthony: 1.

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Mushin no Shin (4-3) vs. Dawg Pounders (5-2)

There's no way I'm ending with that quote and NOT picking this match up.  Offense versus defense, Silence versus the Baying of the Dawgpound, heck--4-3 versus 5-2!  This pushes one to the top and one to the trough, and luckily we'll get to hear about who won for the rest of the 2013 season!  Cry havoc and let slip the dawgs of BORT!

Week 6: And now for something completely different!

The Top Story of the Week:

The jinx fairy is now focused solely on the “peace maker”, the “pacifist”, the “Buddha” (in name only of

course), Mushin no shin. The jinx fairy dropped the biggest poopoo of the year on the top of Anthony’s

head. Mushin no shin lost by 0.4 points in the lowest point margin in the history of BORT. Could

Anthony have done anything differently? Not really, there were a couple of questionable moves with

Fitzy and Ogletree riding the bench; however, Candice could have done some things differently as well

which would have put her ahead regardless. What does this loss say for Anthony’s team the rest of the

way having lost to one of the most casually managed BORT teams this year (which is ok given Candice’s

new career and focus)? Honestly, I would be encouraged. He has Blackmon and Ellington emerging as

weekly studs and Rice and Kaepernick underperforming thus far. If he get’s Wilson back by the playoffs

Anthony could have a strong team hitting its stride just in time.

I don’t see Muscle “n Flow being much of a contender this year. They’re missing some valuable pieces

mainly in the WR department, but they also need consistent QB play.

Dawg Pounder vs. Cordarrelle-icte Campaign:

Another super close game with C-icte Campaigne gaining the edge on the Dawg Pounders. Questionable

moves were benching Wayne and Brown for Jefferey. Using either of those two would’ve given Tracy

the win. Perhaps John could have used Stafford instead of Wilson but I’m not sure I would have done

anything differently there. Wilson actually had a really good game in real life.

 When the jinx fairy was done poopooing on Anthony it flew over Tracy with Graham posting 0 fantasy

points. Perhaps that was a compensatory maneuver by the jinx fairy given silent-G’s 23.5 fantasy points.

I think both of these teams are equipped to make runs in the payoffs especially if Tracy can trade one

of her WR’s for a decent RB. The Dawg Pounders are one of 4 teams to crack 1300+ total fantasy points

thus far which means she’s averaging over 215 points per game. The league average is 209. John has

elite WR’s even without Harvin and Gronk. If those two get healthy and play at the level they are

capable of playing then C Campaign becomes scary again.

The Over/Undertakers vs. Chinese Mafia:

Yet another close game with the Mafia surprising the Over/Undertakers. Two well managed teams

here. I didn’t see much wrong with the coaching decisions.

The OUT has the personnel to make a run in the playoffs.

The Mafia needs depth at WR and RB to be competitive but I would look out for this team in the future

as the owner looks to be pretty savvy.

Chicks with Ditkas vs. Refs Gone Wild:

The Ditkas beat the Refs by 15 points. No surprise that the Ditkas won. They have a very good team and

are one of the scariest teams to play against. They too cracked 1300+ total fantasy points.

The Ditkas could make a deep run in the playoffs especially if Ridley reestablishes himself as the #1

back in New England. The Refs will need a lot of help at the WR position to remain competitive.

They lost Cobb until at least week 15 and even with Cobb they need another elite WR, which they

have…..promote Keenan Allen off the TS asap.
To me Manning is the biggest story here having scored only 8 fantasy points against the Jaguars. I

knew regression would set in at some point but I didn’t expect it against the Jaguars. This is interesting

because the Jaguars did exactly what you have to do against Manning which is hit him. You have to

wonder what the remainder of the fantasy and real NFL season will look like for Manning. Not only

will teams adopt the strategy used by the Jaguars, but winter has begun in Denver. Does home field

advantage apply to Peyton Manning? I’m not sure that it does. I can’t wait to see what he does

against Kansas City at Arrowhead Stadium. Regardless, if Manning has a “normal” Manning fantasy

performance then The Ditkas probably reach that 215 per week average that seems to be surfacing as

the target for teams to be competitive.

Jimmy Swaggarts Holy Ghost Revival vs. Midnight in the Gordon of Weeden

Where to begin? I will say first that the Magnetic Turf had to invoke Jimmy Swaggart and the Holy Ghost

to protect against the jinx fairy and it worked in a big way.

Only one questionable move here by Nils in benching Johnson for Irvine, however, that wouldn’t have

changed the outcome.

The Revival would’ve beaten anyone they played this week putting up the highest single week point

total in the history of BORT. If you replace this 303 point outlier with the league average of 209 The

Revival still averages 214.6 points/week.

Both of these teams are playoff contenders. Both have reached 1300+ total fantasy points. Gordon

of Weeden is probably the team I fear playing the most because of McCoy and Charles. If Brady gets

anywhere close to normal and his receivers start catching the ball and Gronk comes back Weeden will

be deadly.

I will leave The Revival for everyone else to analyze since it’s my team.

Wrap-Up:

Fantasy football is rarely predictable and this week may have been the most peculiar week thus far;

especially for QB’s. Of the 18 QB’s that scored at least 15 fantasy points 7 were FA’s. Of the 8 QB’s that

scored 20+ fantasy points only 1 was started in BORT. Of the 25 WR’s that scored at least 15 fantasy

points only 10 were started in BORT. Of the 10 TE’s that scored double digit fantasy points 4 were

started in BORT. Of the 16 RB’s that scored at least 15 fantasy points 11 were started in BORT.

This is the meat of the season and the playoff teams will be rising to the top soon. Now is the time to

make those trades and solidify your team. Good luck to everyone next week and the coming weeks.

Week Five Recap

Five match-ups down and teams are either achieving separation at the top (or, if you're Da, the bottom) or clawing their way back to the muddled middle.  Two teams have defined themselves as contenders: Rob the Newcomer and Tracy: The Great Brown Hope.  Any coincidence that when the Browns win Tracy is 3-0?  Any coincidence that since Brandon Weeden went down, Gordon of Weeden is 3-0?  Or that since Josh Gordon is back, Gordon of Weeden is 3-0?  I'm 3-0.  That's what I'm trying to say.

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Chicks with Ditkas (240.3)

Season over, or season just begun?  After falling to 1-3 and in danger of irrelevance this season, Russell motivated his troops with words as sweet as the wine that shares his name, handily beating an upstart Chinese Mafia team.  Da's had a shockingly good start to the year but doesn't have the wins to show it, similar to Russ--Ries.  His last name is Ries.  Riesling.  Ries.  I should have mentioned that part.  Anyway, Peyton Manning scored 42.8pts, he's the best ever, he leads all scorers by 60, his neck is a sandwich made of slices of the Frankenstein Monster's abs, yadda, yadda... 

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: None
David Wilson cumulative scoring: +20.7
Sadly this will be the last occurrence of this feature.  Not only does it appear that Mr. Wilson has played his last snap this season but this category is pretty boring, and really only made the column because I lost due to my PK scoring negative points one week three years ago.  It will be replaced by "Trade that should be made ASAP", which is much easier to research/make up.  RIP David Wilson's season, and RIP the Mushin Mohammed.  You were the vaguely racist cousin that we pretended to read while glossing over.

Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched

This week: The Magnetic Turf  (31.0)

At this point I think that we have enough data that we can begin to make calculated guesses about how to predict who to start from week to week, or at least what type of player is more likely to break out on our benches.  Last season it was easy: the QB that Phil didn't start would be the one to score the most points.  This season it's all about the WRs.  Deep-threat WRs averaging about 5-7 targets per game.  Mike Wallace, Cecil Shorts, Antonio Brown, Torrey Smith, Vincent Jackson...this is the kind of player that you can't justify starting every week because of their low usage rate but who can easily get 100 yards and a TD on 3-4 catches.  This week it was TY Hilton who blew up the pine, snagging 140 yards and 2TDs on a mere 5 receptions.  2 scores on 5 snags?  That's good hustle, and almost impossible to predict.

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: (tie) Midnight in the Gordon of Weeden and Dawg Pounders (3 wins)

The defensive revolution is dead! Long live the offensive revolution!  Tracy continued to match results to performance this week and Nils stepped into the light as an above-500 team in 2013.  Here's the scary part: the Dawg's opponents have scored an average of 227.6pts/week, which if they were a team would be the second-highest scoring team in the league, behind only the BORT Queen herself.  So which happens first:  does Tracy's scoring start to suffer as she starts Chris Ogbonnaya week after week...or does she start seeing an average opposition point output, and cruise to a title?

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   Cordarrelicte Campaign  (180.2)
Oh Hell John.  Two weeks in a row?  You know it's a faux pas to use the same tactics two years in a row, right?  You've seen 9 fewer pts/week less than the next lowest team, and 36pts/week less than Tracy.  It's like you're playing tackle football with armless mannequins.  Or, you know, playing the Jags.  (Oh shut it, that wasn't that bad.  I made a white wine joke earlier.)

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in DEN the other night...

This week: Mushin no Shin (X pt underdog, X point LOSS you LOSING LOSER I WIN ALL OF THE GAMES)

I apologize to everyone who had the read that.  I was very very concerned going into Monday night's game, and I may still be celebrating.  There were no upsets this week.

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.

This week:  The Magnetic Turf (76.2%)

Like last week this "win" has much to do with the top bench performance, but the interesting thing to take away here is that it offers the opportunity to look at Cam Newton's 2013.  4.8pts in Week Five certainly does no favors for his "elite" tag, but his Week Five in 2012 was only 6.0pts, and after Five full weeks Car Cam-rod was sitting at 15th (80.5pts) out of BORT signal-callers.  This year? 16th (73.7pts).  So for all the hoopla about him struggling, he's only about one good quarter of football away from being where he was at this time last season.  2012 Newton, as we all know, was the 7th best QB from Weeks 6-16 and was almost 2pts/week better than Matt Ryan, Phil's other QB option.  Food for thought.

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  Dawg Pounders (8.8 pts)

As Tracy has risen to heights she earned yet did not receive a year ago, another member of the fairer sex community has started...poorly.  Candice's Muscle and Flow hasn't been a victim of poor luck, or poor match-ups, they just haven't been been very good just yet.  Players like Doug Martin and Steve Smith, very above-average starters last season, have struggled to produce in poor team environments. And no one, NO one, saw Matt Shaub turning into Matt Flynn overnight.  This match-up may have signaled the rise of The Pound, but it also forced the Muscle to flow just a bit more downhill.  

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"Speaking of the jinx fairy, I think my season is officially over. A poorly performing rb with a broken neck, awr with a broken foot, and a starting rookie rb on a terrible team. A defense can only carry a team so far.."

- Mushin no Shin, speaking like a true gentleman.

"Up against Nils's team late on a Monday?  Man, he's screwed."

- Julio Jones.  No, I take it back; that's mean.  Heal up Julio!

"..."

- The sound made by the Tursby twins' hearts as an ancient presence departs their home.  Even the wind falls silent as it steps its way across the blood-streaked lawn, and where its feet fall, no grass shall ever grow...

"Two weeks in a row!
but lost...free agent TE?
What?!?  Brandon Myers?!? :-) "

- Muscle 'N Flow

"So many losses!  My head's Zuerlein!"

- Chinese Mafia.  THREE IN A ROW! THREE IN A ROW!

"Hey Nils, interested in trading Aaron Hernandez BACK for Spiller?  At least he'll be useful in 10 years, 9 with good behavior."

-Cordarrellicte Campaign, showing terrible ethical judgement.  Why, I'm shocked I even imagined him saying that.  For shame!

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Cordarrelicte Campaign (3-2) vs. Dawg Pounders (4-1)

Can Tracy's tag team of terrifically talented TEs trounce the murderously mediocre masses making our Mister mad?  They'd better, because the last thing I want to experience is a world in which BOTH Andersons are playoff contenders again.

Week Four Recap

It was a Jinx-day in Jinxville

and Tiny Darren Jinx

woke up thinking Jinxy thoughts

...for that's what Jinxy Jinxes thinks.

He catched and he rushed

and his footballs touched down

and poor Nils yelled sentences with unprintable nouns.

Darren's points pointed North: twenty, then thirty!

Nils' protests became angry, then dirty, then flirty!

But then Marques Colston, the Cols Ston in town

caught 6 passes after halftime, and Nils' frown turned upside-down.

For all his fleet feet, for all the hustle-bustle

it was still too much for Darren

and Nils FINALLY took down Russell.

Ahem.  And there were other things too.

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Dawg Pounders (284.4)

2012, meet 2012: Redux.  After being the highest scoring team to not make the playoffs last season, Tracy has finally matched the wins to the point output in 2013 and has rolled to a 3-1 start.  Her 13pts/week edge over the #2 scoring team is more than the gap between #2 and #5 and it's not just Jimmy Graham.  This week Drew Brees was the top man with a Peyton-esque 40.2pts, but 10 more starters put up double-digit outputs, and she nearly had an 11th with the NEP Off just missing out at 9.6.  Rob was no match for the Once and potentially Future BORT point Queen.

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: None
David Wilson cumulative scoring: +12.5
Twelve point five! Twelve point five!  Or, as I like to put it: Just over a quarter of Peyton Manning!  Just over a quarter!

Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched

This week: Cordarrelicte Campaign  (32.7)

Whither goes the Kommisar?  After blazing out to 7 straight wins to start 2012 John's group of steroid-addled Terminators have treaded water so far this season, trading wins with losses on their way to .500 and the 6th highest point average.  Being an entity that is imbued with a soul, I for one am not resting easy.  I recommend that Sean Lee watch his back, and maybe acquire an "h" for his first name to blend in with the crowd.

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: Mushin no Shin (3 wins)

The Defensive Revolution has come!  After a roster-gutting trade last season netted Anthony uber-defensive studs JJ Watt and Aldon Smith, and then the disciple of Nobunaga acquired Luke Keuchly and Navarro Bowman, people were left puzzled as to how he intended to score without having an offense.  Well, those moves are looking mighty fine these days as "The Man with No Name...or Anything Else" sits atop Thompson Boling Arena tied with Tracy's juggernaut at 3-1.  Now the question is just whether the defense-heavy approach can be consistent enough to win week to week.  MFL, looking at Week 5's projected scoring totals, does not appear to have much faith in that...

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   Cordarrelicte Campaign  (210.1)
As discussed above, something just doesn't feel quite right about Lane Kiffin's Bane this season.  Arian Foster seems to be losing ground to defenders as well as Ben Tate, Gronk has played exactly as many snaps as myself for the Pats this season and the Trent-to-IND trade has somehow benefited everyone on the Colts EXCEPT Trent.  That being said, Kommisar John sits at 2-2, a mere game out of the division lead, and his team has nowhere to go but up.  Literally, as John is below them with a whip.  In Hell.  Because he's the Devil.  That's the allusion I was trying to make.

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in DEN the other night...

This week: Mushin no Shin (1.7pt projected loss, 14.3pt win)

Nothing compared to the flip-flop that occurred last week, but Anthony got key performances from all of his big IDPs as well as his first double-digit contribution from David Wilson en route to the comeback win.  This was offset by a sub-5pt performance from Bernard Pierce but hey, he won with Bernard Pierce and David Wilson as his RBs.  That's worth like 2 wins.

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.

This week:  Cordarrelicte Campaign (82.0%)

Much of this rating had to do with Sean Lee's preposterous and unforeseeable 32.7pt dismantling of the Chargers but Matt Stafford and Terrell Suggs also had significantly better days than their started contemporaries.  John was stuck in the "3 good QBs" trap for much of last season, but it's still pick your poison deciding which one to start week to week with just the 2.

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  Mushin no Shin (14.3 pts)

And herein lies the rub, and the reason why some think that Anthony's love-train may blow its wad too early.  Despite being 3-1, and having beaten decent teams to get there, Anthony hasn't really won by very much.  In fact, looking at the Power Rankings, he's only been the 7th best team this season.  It just so happens that the teams he's faced have put up their worst weeks when they've gone against the Fly Samurai.  Coincidence?  Ancient Japanese Secret?  Or just a ton of bricks labeled "Reality" waiting in Week 5...

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"I too, used to believe in the jinx fairy; however, after avoiding checking the live scoreboard until each tier of games are over (as opposed to checking the score after you see the real game stats of one of your guys scroll across the bottom of the tv because the jinx fairy really doesn't like that) I still have 4 of my 6 RB's injured and knocked out of games. I'm asking Santa Claus for a running back for Christmas."

- The Magnetic Turf.  And OH BOY do I have a deal for YOU.  Chris Snelling should be called Chris SMELLING because these prices STINK.  I mean, they STINK SO GOOD, like bees want to pollinate them!  To recap: Chris Snelling attracts bees.

"Luckily I really don't have any jinx power.  If anything i say comes true, it's because it was coincidence. I'm pulling for you to break the curse, just having fun with the situation.  Since we are playing each other next week, you can return the favor. However, watch out because David Wilson has moved out of negative points for the year and soon will break the elusive 10 point total barrier.  So I'm back."

- Mushin no Shin, who IS back.  In black.  Because he's at a funeral.  For his SEASON.  I really need to work on my trash talking.

"Went to go check out the old Anderson place, heard noises in the night and found a door ajar in the graveyard.  Funny, looked like it'd been opened from the INside..."

- Note found next to the body of Agnes Doublereach, formerly the wife of Jeremiah of the same name.  Well, next to MOST of her body...

"Martellus Bennett!
Seventeen points from TE!!
...are one-tenth my score?"

- Muscle 'N Flow

"Anutha loss?  I guess I didn't pass Jacquizz,"

- Chinese Mafia, now 0-2 in terrible puns.

"Are you SURE Spiller wasn't on a bye THIS week?"

-Cordarrellicte Campaign

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Chinese Mafia (1-3) vs. Chicks with Ditkas (1-3)

"Downy for Clowney", "Ditch-harder for Bridgewater", whatever you want to call it.  This loser of this game will be on the fast track to the top overall pick in the 2014 draft, and--no, I can't do this.  It's going to be Da.  Da will lose this game.  Have you seen the Projected totals?  Russell's favored to win by EIGHTY-TWO points.  That's 3 Peyton Mannings.  Honestly, I just want to see if the Chicks can win by a hundo.

Week Three Recap

37.70.  That's how many points per week Peyton Manning is averaging this season.  To put that into perspective, Aaron Rodgers led BORT with 25.47/week last season.  He has improved by as many points (15.22/week) as Darren McFadden has averaged this season, and McFadden has the 10th most points of all running backs.  I don't have an intro this week.  I don't want to acknowledge a legendary performance as it's happening.  I want to warn the masses: PEYTON MANNING IS SCORING ALL OF YOUR POINTS.  We must protect the children.

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Dawg Pounders (288.8)

Did I mention that Tracy had slumped slightly in points this season?  I meant HAD slumped.  Past-tense.  THIS week she made use of her whuppin' stick, destroying Chicks with Ditkas by 50 points and putting the league on notice.  It wasn't just one player going off either.  Four players scored more than 20.0 points for the Pound this week, including the 3 highest single-player outputs of the league in Antonio Brown (39.0), Drew Brees (36.8) and Jimmy Graham (34.4).   Those 3 alone totaled 110.2pts, only 49 fewer than Chinese Mafia put up as a TEAM total.  Rob should be watching next week's match up verrrrry closely.

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: None
David Wilson cumulative scoring: +1.8
We did it!  Positive points!!!

Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched

This week: Midnight in the Gordon of Weeden  (33.8)

What's that you say Cleveland?  You have a WR on the trading block?  And he caught 10 passes for 146 yards and a TD coming fresh off of the bench?  How thrilling!  Oh...and he was on the bench for "Strike Two", and "Strike Three" is a year-long suspension?  And he was targeted 19 times?  Pass.  Hard pass.

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: The Over/Undertakers (3 wins)

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool the Kommissar...I hope your name has some connection to real life, because after trouncing the Soul-Reaper, you're going to need an Undertaker soon...

With all respect, Rob dodged a bullet this week, with Cordarrelicte getting a total of 6.2pts from Arian Foster, CJ Spiller and Hakeem Nicks.  That just doesn't happen, and if they had scored half of their projections the match up would have ended differently.  Rob now leads the league with a 3-0 record despite having scored the 8th most points.  3-0 is 3-0, and it certainly helps that 2 of those wins are within the division, but the underlying numbers do not support this trend as an accurate representation of his team's true talent level.

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   Mushin no Shin  (191.0)
Well, this might just be the end of the Cinderella story that was Chinese Mafia.  After starting the season with back to back strong performances against Cordarrelicte and Gordon of Weeden the Mafia faded badly in Week 3, allowing Anthony's Fantasy Iron Curtain to coast to an easy 40pt win.  With Rob Gronkowski and Reggie Bush coming back in Week 4 and RGIII just not getting those cheap read option yards on the ground anymore, it might get uglier before it gets prettier. Phil Sanders brings his Magnetic Turf to the far East next week, and he has to be thinking about a blow-out.

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in DEN the other night...

This week: The Magnetic Turf (50.7pt projected loss, 62.6pt win)

WOW.  I can't recall any swing this large in the history of BORT.  PS did a good job of over-performing his projection 217.7 to 233.6 but PT was just crushed by his players, scoring almost 100 points fewer than projected.  To be fair, some of the projections were clearly over-shooting, notably 36.0pts for Matt Forte and 44.0 for Aaron Rodgers, but 6.9pts was certainly not what The Refs were expecting from Marshawn Lynch, not against that JAC defense.  Hopefully for Phil Thompson this was an aberration and not the warning signs of a lack of roster dependability.

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.

This week:  Muscle and Flow (82.3%)

If comedy is tragedy plus time, then Candace's luck picking the correct TE to play each week has officially been upgraded from tragedy to comedy.  I'm just going to put this here:

Just five receptions
twenty-eight receiving yards
still, better than ten... 

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  Midnight in the Gordon of Weeden (23.2 pts)

Not many close scores this week, as it seemed that players were much more volatile in their scoring.  Gordon of Weeden finally got into the win column after starting 0-2 and near-certain elimination from the playoff race.  After working a few desperation deals late into the night this past weekend the decision was made to stay the course with his core group of players and trust in the GM.  That paid dividends Monday as 11 players scored in double-figures and four more reached that threshold on the bench.  With a tough match-up against bitter rival Chicks with Ditkas (3-0 against Weeden in 2012) looming in Week 4, Manager Nils Ferm will need more than faith; he'll need points.

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"You know you have denial badly when you click on the story and read that Aldon Smith was arrested at 7 am for drinking and think, maybe he just brushed his teeth and gurgled with mouthwash,  and I bet that's not even my Aldon Smith, surely there are other Aldon Smith's in the league. Smith is a very common name.  Then you click on your roster and the story shows there also.  Maybe they attributed the story to the wrong Aldon Smith."

- Mushin no Shin.

"I'm not interested in Snelling."

- The Magnetic Turf, foolishly passing on yet ANOTHER terrible player who somehow scores gobs of points this season.

"Did Hakeem Nicks have a bye this week?"

- Cordarrelicte Campaign.  No, he didn't, but he DID confuse "receive" with "re-sieve" in helping Eli to be sacked 438 times.

"Tight End quandary
Sir Mix a Lot said it best:
hooked, can't stop starin"

- Muscle 'N Flow

"This week, the Joique's on ME,"

- Chinese Mafia, losing in fantasy AND in joke-telling this week.

"Okay, but was CJ SPILLER on a bye?."

-Cordarrellicte Campaign

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Midnight in the Gordon of Weeden (1-2) vs. Chicks with Ditkas (1-2)

Ohhhhhhhh sweet redemption.  Russell, I will beat you so badly you'll have to change your team's name to "Eunuchs in Tunics".

Guest Post!

John Hughes, Jr. could have been my Dad. He wrote, directed, or produced some of the greatest movies

for teens in the 80’s and 90’s.  Here are a few matched with teams from the BORT:


The entire National Lampoon's Vacation trilogy;  With great expectation, the turf headed out with the

family truckster this year only to suffer scrapes, dings, broken down cars and dead grandmas.  However,

this week, the immortal question “Excuse me , Santonio Holmes, How do I get back to the highway?” was

answered with a win.  Lured by Darren MCFadden in a red Ferrari, their entire running back core now are

either rookies or playing like them.  It’s pretty bad when your best RB tosses more TDs in real life than

his QB.  And their best WR plays for their hapless brother in law Eddie (Giants).  His D is stout, perhaps

he needs to take his offense around at gunpoint and show them how to have a good time.  Anyway, the

sequel of the rest of the season, should be better than the first couple weeks.  


Ferris Bueller's Day Off; Bucking the system, breaking through the parental-adult complex to form an

identity and live your own life.  Or in this case, living in the shadow of your brother.  Muscle and flow have

been taking the year off in terms of fantasy engagement, but have outhustled some folks recently.  Pretty

solid scoring all the way down the line, there are few weaknesses in the lineup, they just need to run the

mileage back a few weeks to retake some wins, but be careful they don’t run the car off the cliff.  


Weird Science; using science to get laid, which still ranks as one of the worst ideas today has to go to

Mushin no shin.  DVOA, DYAR MAKER, DEWARS, pick a metric that helps winning.  Much maligned for drafting LBs and other defensemen, the MNS can attribute this style to at least one win already.  Instead

of kissing his own biceps, he should attend to his RB situation and QB, which look like the extras for

Dennis the Menace.   Like Mr. Mom, he has to attend to other duties around the house, and She’s Having

a Baby might describe his last and final year in the league.


The Breakfast Club; Life’s cross section. Punker, artist, jock, dweeb, pretty girl.  Sounds like the rag tag

crew the Chinese Mafia has been putting together each week.  At one point, the height challenged guidos

of southeast asia had the top two scoring WRs (Edelman is anthony hall, Jackson is Judd Nelson) and

RBs (Joique Bell has to be the jock, and Knowshon is molly ringwald) that no one ever thought would

hold those ranks.  They managed a win and have moved into Spoiler Alert as the “I don’t want to play

them during a bye week team.”


Some Kind of Wonderful; The offbeat loner finally reaches his goal of dating the hot girl, and his

earnestness is endearing.  She is conventionally pretty, yet totally vapid. His loner drumming sidekick is

the better play only you can’t read the main character because it’s eric stolz, one of the greatest character

actors of the time (Blue Velvet, Mask, Twin Peaks).  Replacement refs came out of nowhere to take an

early lead.  They faltered, basically relying on the popular girl (offense) while they should have been

paying attention to the fedora and suspender wearing best buddy (defense - $60 for Mario Williams, that’s

like four 2013 Brandon Jacobs’s), but they finally head to the Hollywood bowl realizing they don’t like the

popular girl but do like the not so popular girl.  Once righted, this team is probably the most likely to finally

wrest the diamond earrings from the obnoxiouson jockarelles.


Sixteen Candles; Again awkward teen tries to make it with miss popular. Unrequitted love in the halls

of my high school.  Betting with friends that you can obtain a girl’s underwear, I’m pretty sure this was

written about the owner of Midnite with the Gorton’s fishermen, probably last week.  Sweating with

desperation like Harry Dean Stanton in any movie, they mortgaged their entire future rookie drafts to

obtain Vick, because he still has one good game in him before he gets crumpled under the weight of a

300 pound linemen.  Perhaps the wins will come running out of the gym at the end and find him in the

parking lot to confess their true feelings, or he might wind up driving home the cast-off girlfriend of one of

the other owners.


Pretty in Pink; the soundtrack that launched a million itunes accounts had they had iphones in the 80’s.

Smiths, psyche furs, OMD, Suzanne vega, new order, echo and the bunnymen.  All top of their game.

This probably has to go to the corduroy artichokes for having a passion for obtaining the best players at

every position, you know, to win every year.  This would put the stokes in the rich kid category, but alas

their owner is not like the other rich kids at school and probably wins again in the end, thus still doing

what rich kids do, profiting from their cumulative advantage.  However, they just lost so I’m expecting a

monster trade coming on.  In the immortal words of another 80’s star, “Do some of that pilot shit, Mav.”


Planes, Trains and Automobiles; chicks with ditkas wearing lulu lemon yoga pants.  Hey-oh.  Whatever

the method of transportation, the long duk dongs have been bringing the wood strong through the air.

Manning has never looked back after last season, partly because his neck is fused together.  An early

contender they are going to need a strong second coming to keep it up after going 1-2 at the hands of the

Dawg pounders.      


Uncle Buck; Great Outdoors, The Dawg pounders.  What can you say about your arch rival that won’t get you beat up in public the next time you see her.  She might be able to stomach some kindness since she

took was handed the first win this year.  No bitterness here, none, just a little pain from getting a hook in

the finger.  Even though her team looks like a time capsule for 2007 (Jacobs, Bradshaw, Jones-Drew,

Brees, Reggie Wayne, Timmons, Woodley, Peppers, Allen), it still finds a way to win, especially when

my team chokes and gift wraps a win that it could have had if some Viagra tossing, eating dinner at 4:30,

tracksuit wearing old coach could actually coach. Coughlin! Good luck the rest of the way.


 The Home Alone trilogy. The over/undertakes have sole possession of first place after leaving

Napoleons campaign out in the cold this week. The team has a lot of upside, but is due for a swinging

lamp to hit them while tacks are under foot since they just started Pierre Thomas and got significant

numbers.  It’s his week to take off now or get 3.2 pts while NOLA still wins the game. I owned him

numerous times.  His average is great for the year, but the variability from week to week kills you.