Week Five Recap

Five match-ups down and teams are either achieving separation at the top (or, if you're Da, the bottom) or clawing their way back to the muddled middle.  Two teams have defined themselves as contenders: Rob the Newcomer and Tracy: The Great Brown Hope.  Any coincidence that when the Browns win Tracy is 3-0?  Any coincidence that since Brandon Weeden went down, Gordon of Weeden is 3-0?  Or that since Josh Gordon is back, Gordon of Weeden is 3-0?  I'm 3-0.  That's what I'm trying to say.

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Chicks with Ditkas (240.3)

Season over, or season just begun?  After falling to 1-3 and in danger of irrelevance this season, Russell motivated his troops with words as sweet as the wine that shares his name, handily beating an upstart Chinese Mafia team.  Da's had a shockingly good start to the year but doesn't have the wins to show it, similar to Russ--Ries.  His last name is Ries.  Riesling.  Ries.  I should have mentioned that part.  Anyway, Peyton Manning scored 42.8pts, he's the best ever, he leads all scorers by 60, his neck is a sandwich made of slices of the Frankenstein Monster's abs, yadda, yadda... 

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: None
David Wilson cumulative scoring: +20.7
Sadly this will be the last occurrence of this feature.  Not only does it appear that Mr. Wilson has played his last snap this season but this category is pretty boring, and really only made the column because I lost due to my PK scoring negative points one week three years ago.  It will be replaced by "Trade that should be made ASAP", which is much easier to research/make up.  RIP David Wilson's season, and RIP the Mushin Mohammed.  You were the vaguely racist cousin that we pretended to read while glossing over.

Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched

This week: The Magnetic Turf  (31.0)

At this point I think that we have enough data that we can begin to make calculated guesses about how to predict who to start from week to week, or at least what type of player is more likely to break out on our benches.  Last season it was easy: the QB that Phil didn't start would be the one to score the most points.  This season it's all about the WRs.  Deep-threat WRs averaging about 5-7 targets per game.  Mike Wallace, Cecil Shorts, Antonio Brown, Torrey Smith, Vincent Jackson...this is the kind of player that you can't justify starting every week because of their low usage rate but who can easily get 100 yards and a TD on 3-4 catches.  This week it was TY Hilton who blew up the pine, snagging 140 yards and 2TDs on a mere 5 receptions.  2 scores on 5 snags?  That's good hustle, and almost impossible to predict.

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: (tie) Midnight in the Gordon of Weeden and Dawg Pounders (3 wins)

The defensive revolution is dead! Long live the offensive revolution!  Tracy continued to match results to performance this week and Nils stepped into the light as an above-500 team in 2013.  Here's the scary part: the Dawg's opponents have scored an average of 227.6pts/week, which if they were a team would be the second-highest scoring team in the league, behind only the BORT Queen herself.  So which happens first:  does Tracy's scoring start to suffer as she starts Chris Ogbonnaya week after week...or does she start seeing an average opposition point output, and cruise to a title?

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   Cordarrelicte Campaign  (180.2)
Oh Hell John.  Two weeks in a row?  You know it's a faux pas to use the same tactics two years in a row, right?  You've seen 9 fewer pts/week less than the next lowest team, and 36pts/week less than Tracy.  It's like you're playing tackle football with armless mannequins.  Or, you know, playing the Jags.  (Oh shut it, that wasn't that bad.  I made a white wine joke earlier.)

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in DEN the other night...

This week: Mushin no Shin (X pt underdog, X point LOSS you LOSING LOSER I WIN ALL OF THE GAMES)

I apologize to everyone who had the read that.  I was very very concerned going into Monday night's game, and I may still be celebrating.  There were no upsets this week.

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.

This week:  The Magnetic Turf (76.2%)

Like last week this "win" has much to do with the top bench performance, but the interesting thing to take away here is that it offers the opportunity to look at Cam Newton's 2013.  4.8pts in Week Five certainly does no favors for his "elite" tag, but his Week Five in 2012 was only 6.0pts, and after Five full weeks Car Cam-rod was sitting at 15th (80.5pts) out of BORT signal-callers.  This year? 16th (73.7pts).  So for all the hoopla about him struggling, he's only about one good quarter of football away from being where he was at this time last season.  2012 Newton, as we all know, was the 7th best QB from Weeks 6-16 and was almost 2pts/week better than Matt Ryan, Phil's other QB option.  Food for thought.

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  Dawg Pounders (8.8 pts)

As Tracy has risen to heights she earned yet did not receive a year ago, another member of the fairer sex community has started...poorly.  Candice's Muscle and Flow hasn't been a victim of poor luck, or poor match-ups, they just haven't been been very good just yet.  Players like Doug Martin and Steve Smith, very above-average starters last season, have struggled to produce in poor team environments. And no one, NO one, saw Matt Shaub turning into Matt Flynn overnight.  This match-up may have signaled the rise of The Pound, but it also forced the Muscle to flow just a bit more downhill.  

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"Speaking of the jinx fairy, I think my season is officially over. A poorly performing rb with a broken neck, awr with a broken foot, and a starting rookie rb on a terrible team. A defense can only carry a team so far.."

- Mushin no Shin, speaking like a true gentleman.

"Up against Nils's team late on a Monday?  Man, he's screwed."

- Julio Jones.  No, I take it back; that's mean.  Heal up Julio!

"..."

- The sound made by the Tursby twins' hearts as an ancient presence departs their home.  Even the wind falls silent as it steps its way across the blood-streaked lawn, and where its feet fall, no grass shall ever grow...

"Two weeks in a row!
but lost...free agent TE?
What?!?  Brandon Myers?!? :-) "

- Muscle 'N Flow

"So many losses!  My head's Zuerlein!"

- Chinese Mafia.  THREE IN A ROW! THREE IN A ROW!

"Hey Nils, interested in trading Aaron Hernandez BACK for Spiller?  At least he'll be useful in 10 years, 9 with good behavior."

-Cordarrellicte Campaign, showing terrible ethical judgement.  Why, I'm shocked I even imagined him saying that.  For shame!

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Cordarrelicte Campaign (3-2) vs. Dawg Pounders (4-1)

Can Tracy's tag team of terrifically talented TEs trounce the murderously mediocre masses making our Mister mad?  They'd better, because the last thing I want to experience is a world in which BOTH Andersons are playoff contenders again.