MMQS Playoff Week Three

Sweet Sixteen?  Not so for 8 of the 10 members of the Rocky Top.  For that last one though, it symbolizes a step closer to the Promised Land, and the first season-spanning trophies are awarded to the last place and third place finishers.  Week 16 is a whole lot of dirt.  Can you dig it??

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:

The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Buffalo Stampede (210.5)

This week gave us a dominant performance in a season full of ups and downs for Jeremy's wranglers.  Buoyed by season-high performances from Roddy White (35.0 pts), Dez Bryant (43.0) and Mr. Kardashian himself, Reggie Bush (31.0), the Bison Brouhaha trampled Tracy's Dawgs on their way to an overall 5th place finish.  There are some contract issues to be dealt with in 2013 but Jeremy has to be encouraged by how strong he's looked at times, and by winning the consolation bracket he can look forward to a nice draft position as well.

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes
Not a "win" per se, but the Houston Texan's offensive line performance in week 16 was, well, offensive.  34 rushing yards and 4 sacks allowed?  Why, it almost makes one think that TJ Yates was in the game.  Wait...

Luckily for Russell he has another week to try and rebound, and the sword of negative scoring was double-edged for John as Arian Foster's injury was a large reason for the poor output.  I have a feeling that both managers would be happy seeing these respective players dominate in week 17.

Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched

This week: The Magnetic Turf  (37.0)

Aaaaaaaand we're back!  Matty Ice beer-bonged the competition this week as his 37.0 benched points were a full dozen over the next largest output.  I've said in the past that Phil should trade one of his 3 stud QBs so this doesn't keep happening but I take it back.  This is your wheelhouse, what your brand is based on.  Don't pull a Crystal Pepsi and reinvent yourself!  From now on, this award will be known as the "Matty Iceberg".

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (2W)

What a 3 week stretch for the Kommissar!  Down nearly 40 points in his match up against Candice only to pull out a shocking back-week upset, and then roasting Russell in the first half of the championship match.  Give up the ghost, Hollywood, because even you couldn't have scripted it be--wait, what's this?  A Hollywood script titled "Nashvillification"?  Hmmm...catchy title.  Let's see:

A bushy-bearded, bright-eyed woodsman from Nashville wins the lottery and takes over the position of Commissioner for the NFL, but the fans and owners start to revolt after he puts Andre Johnson, Percy Harvin and Calvin Johnson all on the same team, but refuses to give them a better QB than Tony Romo.  With his back against a wall as high as the Rocky Top, he must use his folksy wisdom and paranormal abilities to overcome his detractors and lead the league in suspensions.

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes  (161.5)

"I nearly finished listening to his pitch!" said one Paramount exec.

Gushed Michael Bay: "This definitely had words in it!"

"The paper tasted wonderful!" opined Bailey Mohair the dog.

Aaaand we're back to John winning while scoring as few points as are possible.  Sadly Russell has been mired in the 150-160pt range for weeks now, and he'll need to really shake things up to come back and take the title.  John just needs to be thankful that, as he broke his collarbone, no, the other one, Ryan Matthews is not available to crap all over his flex spot.

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in NO the other night...

This week: Buffalo Stampede (7.5 pt underdog, 24.5 pt winner)

It was an interesting match up in the 5th place game this year, as both participants had a legitimate case for being a title favorite in 2013.  Both produced point totals that pointed to a better Pythagorean record for this season and both suffered key injuries that muted that output. I have no doubt that they have the potential to meet again in the playoffs next season, only hopefully in the winner's bracket.

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.

This week:  Chinese Mafia (64.3%)

Wow.  Back to back weeks under 65% ER.  Rest in Peace, Da's 2012.  May you never turn into a zombie and crawl out of your grave to infect the rest of us with your awfulness.

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (19.5 pts)

Grumble grumble grumble.

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"Sir Jar Jar Binksirstokes is starting both Romo and Moreno for the next two weeks.  This is like getting to the top of the roller coaster uphill then realizing you are about to throw up but can't stop the train.  I think if I had to lay everything on the line for two weeks, combat all the negative commish fixed the league banter, the illegal trades, and try to not lose to an expansion team in its first year, I'm certainly going with Tony Romo and Knowshon Moreno.  They've never let me down before!   

Edit 12/23/2012 5:50 P.M.: Uhh...I meant I would certainly go with Romo cause he's due a career game...I just misspelled it as "fantasy apocalypse.""

- Mushin no Shin

"Oh yay!  Third place!  Now I'll get a good draft pick!  Oh, wait.  I've traded them all away?  MYERS!"

- DreamBoat Trash

"Mussssssst conservessss  energiesssss.  Onnnllly sssssscore jusssst enough to winsss.  Yessssss...winsss are the Preciousssss."

- Kommissar, even more troubling when you realize that he's never seen LOTR or The Hobbit.  That's just his normal speaking voice.  Let me rephrase: THAT IS HOW HE THINKS HUMAN BEINGS TALK.

"I should know better.

Always start tight end "Rudolph"

on Christmas weekend."

- Brady Gaga

"Wait--we're still playing?"

- Chinese Mafia

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Chicks with Ditkas (10-4) vs. Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (11-3)

The 2012 season comes to a close with one final week of playoffs.  John is preemptively celebrating in Hawaii while Russell is doing push-ups and cocaine all week.  Will The Thongs with Ding Dongs take out the Knights in Orange Tights??  Will I finally be able to say: "Hey, at least I can finally drop Brandon Myers?"  Is there a prize for 3rd place?  Can Anthony and Candice now trade BACK for their picks in 2013?  Has Da played football before, ever, and if so, what rules did they use?  Is Phil Thompson handsome, and if so, does his mother go "Awe-Phil" and hurt his feelings by accident??  Will the Browns sign Tracy to be their QB next season?  Can she draft herself?  DOES ANYONE WANT TO TAKE OVER MMQS NEXT SEASON? I AM RUNNING OUT OF JOKES AND JUST VARYING FONT SIZE FOR LAUGHS.

MMQS Playoff Week Two

"Semi-finals" is appropriate this week.  It's the "final" week for two more teams and after a furious comeback, Candice must feel like she had a "semi" dropped on her.  You know what they say though: Soulgazers be gazin'.  Week 15 is a whole lotta mean.  Let's hit it!

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:

The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Sir Jardarelle Patterstokes (227.5)

The Kommissar picked a darn good time to put up the 4th highest point total in the history of the Rocky Top.  His back against the wall and facing elimination in the form of a 38 pt deficit heading into the final week of his match up against his sister-shell Candice, John's elites responded with some of their best performances.  A ridiculous TEN players scored twelve or more points, andBRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHMMMMMM  Oh my God!  It's Matt Stafford and Leonardo DicaprBRRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMM  What's that noise?!?  The walls are melting!!  Tom Hardy is so handsoBRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHMMMM

Matt Stafford: Starring in Christopher Nolan's new masterpiece: Interception

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: Replacement Refs Gone Wild
I feel dirty giving this award to Phil as Josh Freeman's of the newly purchased Chinese Mafia was arguably only the THIRD worst QB performance of the week.  The Sanchize put up an identical -4.0 pt performance but wasn't started.  Matty Stafford put up an unGodly -12.0 and Elisha Manning managed to trade TAINTs and TDs to the tune of a net zero.  None of the performances ended up making a difference in the eventual outcomes but it was truly a terrible week for QBs.  Tim Tebow, his Fumbliness himself, scored more points than FIVE owned QBs in Week 15.

Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched

This week: Chicks with Ditkas  (31.0)

Literally, tight ends are the bane of my existence.  Not only did Brandon Myers score 3.0 out of a projected 32.0 pts during our 2 week match up, not ONLY did my former TE: Antonio "Boat Trash" Gates score 17.0 pts during the same time frame, not ONLY did Russell's starting TE Greg Olson score 10.0 this week to be the margin of victory...but his backup TE, Dennis Pitta, put up the highest TE output of the week on his bench, just to rub it in.  Way to win classy, Russell.  I hope that you start Pitta in the finals and he gets traded to the Cardinals.

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: Chicks with Ditkas (2W)

I would get into this but it's too darn painful.  Scroll down to the Gregor Clegane for the gory details.

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   Chicks with Ditkas  (159.5)

Do you know what the worst part is?  9.5 of these points were from LAST week.  The CWD just won with 3 "Doug Martins".

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in NO the other night...

This week: Chicks with Ditkas (31.0 pt underdog, 11.5 pt winner)

This represents a two week total of a 59.5 point spread, which Russell turned into an 11.5 pt win.  This was not "a scrappy comeback".  This was not "the last 5 minutes of Friday Night Lights".  This was Micronesia entering WW2 and shaving Hitler's stasche with a coconut.  This was the "Super Happy Ending" from Wayne's World--nay!  From Wayne's World TWO.  This was a dream, within a dreaBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMM

Oh, God damnit Matt...

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.

This week:  Chinese Mafia (52.7%)

Is that a record?  That has to be a record.  93.0 out of a possible 176.5 points, with not one, but two 29.0 pt WR performances on the bench.  Da's first formal match up went less than ideally as he failed to top 100 points and posted the lowest point total of the year, ranking 5th all-time for futility in scoring.  Hopefully brighter days lie ahead in 2013 but for now his team resembles that of a Matt Millen-run franchise.

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  Chicks with Ditkas (11.5 pts)

Oh, God damnit.  Let's talk about something else.  Candice's team blew a giant lead.  Like HUGE.  Bet she's really steamed about that.  Maybe she should come in and write a 3000 word article on it.  I bet that's theraputic.  Also, Jeremy had a 59% ER this week.  That guy can't catch a break this year.  Know who else can't catch?  BRANDON MYERS.

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"I would like to take a minute to introduce myself as the new owner of the Chinese Mafia, formerly known as the Appalachian Refugees. Certainly being Chinese in Appalachia made us refugees, but this shall no longer be the case! I'd like to thank Nils (the only time I will ever do so) for nominating me to this wonderful league, I have heard much about it and look forward to competing with all of you.

The word rebuilding is a terrible one for a team, and as such I am not using that word. However, I do have money and cap room and do intend on restoring the legacy of this team. Or at least building a new legacy. I am open to discussions about anyone and am looking forward to a productive offseason and getting to know all of you.

My attention now turns to this week - although the team could not pull of the upset last week it was a hard fought battle, and we will not be relegated to last place without a fight. Game on, wild replacement refs, game on. "

- New Chinese Mafia manager Da Chang, days before posting the 5th worst score in the history of the league and losing by nearly double his score.  Here's hoping for a "Great Leap Forward".  Boom, Mao joke.

"So last week I missed covering the spread by 30+ points. The spread this week IS 30 pts. KARMA, I CHALLENGE THEE: MAKE ME A WINNER FOR MY SACRIFICE LAST WEEK"

- DreamBoat Trash manager Nils Ferm, days before missing the spread again and drunk-dialing Antonio Gates

"The chiefs are playing the Jaguars for the metaphorical first round pick. Both have two wins and if one wins a game they lose the pick. If your game plan is to lose, then I don't think there is another team I'd wager on than a Romeo Crennel coached Chiefs team that is trying to tank the season.
Since Johnson is your only hope and he needs 24 points, beware of the two tackle pass defended syndrome from the other defensive player on CWDs. The gut punch is being warmed up for you Nils."

- Mushin no Shin, days before being 100% correct

"Martellus Bennett

wish he was Dwayne Allen or

Aaron Hernandez"

- Brady Gaga

"We have to go deeper - throw the ball into TRIPLE coverage now."

- Matt Stafford

"There can be only one."
-Kommissar, emerging from his lazurus pod, dripping with the embryonic tears of one thousand feral kittens.  His beard burns with ginger fire and his Tennessee shirt strains to cover bulges that could possibly be muscles.  The cycle of the Soulgazer hive-transfer is complete for another year.  Candice is now dormant, her lifespark muted in a hibernation that will keep her host body fresh until the next fall.  Lying still, she twitches once, twice.  She sleeps...perchance she dreams?

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Chicks with Ditkas (10-4) vs. Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (11-3)

This is it.  The big one.  #1 vs. #2 seed for all of the marbles.  Will Matty Stafford post positive numbers?  Will Gronk "gronk" stuff?  Can you soulgaze a person who may not indeed have a soul?  What kind of berry are Crunchberries modeled after?  If you sneeze into a strong wind will it just float there for a second as contrasting velocities equalize?  Does anyone know what Buckcherry is doing these days?  Does anyone want to trade Nils a TE?  ALL QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED NEXT WEEK

MMQS Playoff Week One

Though there was limited competition let's hope that there was full audience participation this week as there were two match ups that will determine who plays for the championship of Rocky Top.  Could the top seeds fend off their lowly competition?  Would there be an all-Anderson final?  WHO WILL POSSESS THE SOULS OF THE FUTURE??  Week 14 means it's all-in.

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill:  A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions.  Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:

The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Buffalo Stampede (199.0)

Hard-luck Jeremy's run of fickle treatment by the luck dragon continued in the consolation bracket, as one of his best performances of the season happened just after it would have made a difference in the main bracket.  Led by another All-World output by All-Day (29.0 pts) and an All-Continent one by Roddy White (26.5 pts) Jeremy cruised through the first round of draft competition, annihilating Replacement Refs Gone Wild and making a strong case that his was the best team left outside when the playoff door closed.  As opposed to when The University of Arizona's mascot wore a cape for the Rose Bowl, which was when the playoff boar clothed.

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: Dawg Pounders
The other candidate in the "best team left home" race has to be Dawg Pounders, whose proclivity towards scoring points couldn't convince her opponents to throw her a bone.  Luckily the consolation bracket is made of slightly softer stuff, and temporarily league-owned Appalachian Refugees was no match for the hounds of the dumervils.  Brandon Mebane's -1.5 pts surely didn't help the Fugees but it's unlikely that they had it in them to progress much further regardless.  Better outcomes hopefully lie ahead for both franchises in 2013.

Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched

This week: The Magnetic Turf  (40.0)

Another week, another dominant QB performance on Philip's bench.  This week it was Cam Newton's transcendent shredding of the Falcons, where he racked up 287 yards through the air, 116 on the ground (on 11 carries!) and 3 total TDs.  Phil now has 3 of the top 7 signal-callers, and one has to be thinking that he'll move at least 1 in the off season.  Maybe to his bench.  Or to his IR.  A trade?  Let's not get crazy...

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: Brady Gaga (4W)

Not a "win" per se this week but certainly a good indicator of one to come as Brady Gaga took out her whuppin' stick and just let her brother have it (the whuppin, not the stick).  By Sunday afternoon the margin was over 120 pts and though strong performances by Arian Foster and Andre Johnson Monday night helped to mitigate the damage, John's looking at a 38.0 pt deficit heading into Week 2.  Unless...unless that's what John wants us to think...*



*No, no it is not.  I personally saw him crying into his biscuits and gravy Sunday night.

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   Dawg Pounders  (140.0)

"Give us your tired, your week, your huddled masses yearning to be eaten by dawgs..."  It was a contest right up until it started.  Closer than it should have been, but until the Refugees franchise is appointed a GM it's hard to say that they have a shot.  On a completely unrelated note, "Friend to the MMQS" Da Chang baked everyone delicious cookies.  Instead of chocolate chips they're studden with bits of Arizona's offensive line, something that opposing defenses have feasted on for weeks now, but as a first taste for us.  What a treat!

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides".  Football and fantasy, amiright?  More like "Game of THROWS" in NO the other night...

This week: Brady Gaga (48.5 pt underdog, 38.0 pt winner)

I think that John summed it up best:

"As Nils and I sat stupefied and humbled on my couch watching every other team in the league get touchdowns on RedZone channel, we knew our luck was about to change. Just knew it. Then Stevie Brown returned an INT 60 yards for another big score for CWD and my team was stuck on 45 points. I went to bed last night with 45 points. No one should ever have to suffer the embarrassment of not cracking a half a hundred before bedtime on Sunday. I am contemplating a name change to Hoping for Half a Hundred."

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top.  That's weak.  Hear me, Mountains?  Rogaine.  It's a thing.

This week:  Mushin no Shin (75.0%)

Alllllmost made it Anthony.  Navarro Bowman was the one player you forgot to start.  That's 2 weeks in a row where your bench should have played over your starters.  Just like a model on a reality show, I'm sad to have to tell you that you're 1 "LB" short of perfection.  Hit those weights and I'm sure that you can get there.

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  The Magnetic Turf (0.5 pts)

Sadly, the bye week match up was easily the closest, most exciting h2h of the week.  Save some for Week 15, guys!

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"Hey Anthony, what's the return policy on your RBs?  I think Spiller's broken."

- DreamBoat Trash.  I have the receipt but he kind of smells like Buffalo...
 

"I know the feeling of an opponents team early on jacking up the score but I have all my skill players to go.  As the day goes on and the difference escalates, the sinking feeling moves in that I'm going to lose.  Then a few of my best players pull out the "double ought" "0.0" and it gets reinforced.  Only on Monday night, I have two potential upside monsters who close the gap tremendously only:

A) I still lose by 0.5 points

B) Forget about the other teams cornerback who on the last play happens to get to the quarterback who falls to the ground, inadvertently drops the ball, and the DB touches him, giving their team a sack, TFL, sack yards, and a forced fumble for no other reason than they were standing nearby.  My team covers the original deficit, however, I still lose by those 7 points.

C) I'm the winning team with the great lead only the other team has either Jordy Nelson, Stafford/Megatron, Arron Rodgers, or Victor "I drop points like most catholics put out babies' Cruz to play Monday night and I lose by 7 when those guys have a career year for their grandma/mom/charity, or some other heartfelt reason.

Have fun tonight John, you now know how everyone else feels in the league every week!"

- Mushin no Shin, who just so happens to be the brave soul that wrote what everyone else has been thinking all season.  Burn on, twinkling star!

"Since you've only scored about 3 points already (thurs) with the juggernaut internationally recognized fantasy team that is likened to David Hasslehoff riding a unicorn in Atlantis, maybe you should try a few other names as well.

All sizzle, no steak.
Real. Relateable. Ricky Lake.
All plane, no snake.

Big hat, no cattle.
Ewart Haron is Jackie Battle.
too little snake, not enough rattle.

bitter, burned and upset
I may name my team that yet,
first I'll hunt you down like Boba Fett."

- Chicks with Ditkas, rapping like the Raven on my chamber door

"Two concussed tight ends

head slapping with frustration

just might give me one"

- Brady Gaga

"All planes and Boba Fett?
I'd say name your team "Regret"
A twelve point lead is fine on Thursday
But MNF will soon be your curse-day.

Sadly stained: my gloried projection
cursed by pride, rewarded dejection
seeking consolation but you say "Nein"
to get Myers clean you'd need "derptintine".

Olsen won't be better: you expect 18?
Looks worse than the fakest ID I've seen.
And 18 for Williams?  You must be joking.
I've got no clue what MFL is smoking...

And big Pey-pey couldn't rubberneck 'em
probably because his is now bolted on
A Colt or a Bronco?  Brady will still wreck 'em
We'll see who laughs last come Tuesday's dawn."

-I'm a MAN I'm Forte! Manager Nils Ferm, who will literally start hunting down and chewing off the ACLs of anyone that steals carries from CJ Spiller or CJ2K.

"Good news everyone! My Dynasty League team, Chicks with Ditkas, won our 2nd Division Championship in a row last night. All is right again!"

- Chicks with Ditkas, resorting to Facebook to find praise for his achievement.  Well Mr. Fancy-pants, I hope you enjoy your trophy for being a Division Champion.  Oh, wait, trophies are for ACTUAL Champions?  Premature celebration Russell.  I think there's a pill for that.  It's called "humility".

"Murray'd to the Mob
An offer he can't refuse
(it's the off season)."

-Brady Gaga, talking trash like an old garbage man

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Brady Gaga (8-5) vs. Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (10-3)

John had better hope that he's hit rock bottom because he needs to win by 40 in order to take the match up.  Then again, traps are best sprung when the prey is fully committed...

Trade Market Watch:

BRADY GAGA GAVE UP: STEWART, JONATHAN CAR RB JACKSON, DESEAN PHI WR APPALACHIAN REFUGEES GAVE UP: GONZALEZ, TONY ATL TE

APPALACHIAN REFUGEES GAVE UP: JOHNSON, ANDRE HOU WR FREEMAN, JERRELL IND LB SIR JARDARRELLE PATTERSTOKES GAVE UP: RODGERS, JACQUIZZ ATL RB AUSTIN, MILES DAL WR WILLIS, PATRICK SFO LB

Two quick deals more for cap space and depth than anything else.  Appalachian gets some building blocks for next season and beyond for absorbing off some of the Anderson's boat trash.  Personally I think that the Fugees got the best of both deals but it was necessity  not convenience that motivated them happening for Gaga and Patterstokes.

FA Hot Stocks:

Zip.  Nadda.  I don't even think there are even any single members of the Rocky Top.  We can't even pimp one of you.

MMQS Week Thirteen

Two SIGNIFICANT ITEMS OF NOTE: 1) Congrats to the Magnetic Turf, who drafted their own little rookie this past week and now hits the field as a team of three.  Congratulations Phil!  And 2) Appalachian Refugees' managers Jimmy Alix and Bill Weeks are rumored to be selling the team.  Any managers with trade requests should submit them ASAP and they will be considered by an independent ownership group headed by Kommissar John Anderson pending the voted approval and installation of new ownership.  So if you've ever wanted to own a benched, concussed ex-con with fumbling issues, now's your chance!

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill:  A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions.  Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:

The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  I'm a MAN I'm Forte! (189.0)

Up against the wall, Nils's team finished their sophomore season in style, knocking off a very competitive Buffalo Stampede squad and paving their way to the playoffs for the first time.  Sure, Brandon Myers (33.0 pts) may have tripled Andy Dalton's (8.0 pts) score, plus some, but heading into the Big Dance as the top scoring team of the last two weeks has to feel good.  With Brady on the way via a last-minute trade and McCoy coming back it's possible that this Italian's "forte" might just be...winning.  Slash I'm going to enjoy this like I'm Sherlock Holmes in the "Hound of the Bask-in-thrills" right up until I get curb-stomped by Russell.

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes
Location, location, location can also mean "Timing, timing timing" when you get down to it, and I don't think that anyone could argue against Week 13 being the worst possible time for Breesus to put up the hideous -2.5 pt performance that he did against Atlanta.  5 picks and  a penalty wiped out what would have otherwise been a 28 pt outing and a win for Tracy's Dawg Pounders.  Wins by Brady Gaga and Forte meant that it didn't cost her a playoff spot, but there was no way for The Birthmarked One (more like "Stig-wata" after Katrina, amiright?  Too soon?  Gotcha) to know that when he was blissfully tossing away picks like breadcrumbs to the dirty birds.  Tracy will have to take consolation in the fact that she finished the season with the second highest scoring team and still look to be in great shape for another run next year.

Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched

This week: The Magnetic Turf  (34.0)

Until a trade is made to divest him of some QB depth this might be a weekly award that's won exclusively by Phil.  His stable of 3 top-10 signal-callers routinely scores into the 30s each week and it's nearly impossible to pick the right one to start week to week.  This time around he went with the prodigy, RGIII, but The Man with One Red Shoe (And A Red Jersey, and Another Red Shoe) couldn't break out against what had been a very porous Giants' secondary and only sprung loose for 18.0 pts compared to Car Cam-rod's 34.0.  Phil was still able to upset Neyland Division leader Chicks with Ditkas and knock him down to the 2nd seed, but yours truly wonders if with recent moves, the window to get full value for one of these aces is closing.

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: Brady Gaga (tie) I'm a MAN I'm Forte! (3W)

As is usually the case, the bottom seeds are the hottest teams going into the second season.  The MEN of Forte righted the ship after losing 3 in a row and have now had 2 streaks of 3 wins (and 1 streak of 3 losses) as they try and stumble their way into respectibility.  On the other side of the coin Candice's Dreamboats have been a force, winning 7 of their last 8 to close the season, the lone exception a Week 10 loss to Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes.  Old men say that it was a terrible battle, fought in the light of the full moon with powers not seen in mortal men or women.  There were strange lights in the sky and the very Earth beneath them groaned as if sick.  "Give me the heart-gem!" demanded MechanaJohn, "I must be whole again to re-align my human matrix.  Candithullu laughed, her face-tails dripping ichor as they rubbed together in excitement: "Young pup, the flower of my evil is grown to full bloom.  None shall stop me from winning Thompson Boling Arena!"

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   Brady Gaga  (147.0)

Heading into the Final Four Gaga sits as the weakest of the qualifying teams despite an excellent second-half record.  She's scored 313 pts combined in the last two weeks and with injuries suffered by both Jonathan Stewart and Rashard Mendenhall she'll need some help if she's to knock of the top seed.  This week she was the benefit of a depleted opponent as Mushin no Shin finally pulled the trigger on the JJ Watt deal that had been brewing for weeks.  There's no doubt that Anthony will re-load but it wasn't in time to put up more than a token resistance and give Mother Monster a smooth ride into the playoffs.  Steve Smith (23.0 pts) and Kyle Rudolph (17.5) were the lone offensive stars this time, but better things are ahead with the pending additions of Demarco Murray and Andy Dalton.

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides".  Football and fantasy, amiright?  More like "Game of THROWS" in NO the other night...

This week: The Magnetic Turf (36.5 pt underdog, 23.0 pt winner)

This was a group effort by both TMT and Chicks with Ditkas as not only did The Iron Astro-turf out-score their projected point total by 18.5 pts but the Dairy Queens with Giant Peens assisted in their upset with a 21.0 pt under-performance.  For Russell it was an all-around disappointment as nearly every player scored less than expected, but for Phil there were two specific IDPs to thank:  Carlos Dunlap (15.5 pts) and William Moore (15.0).  Pick-sixes trump Chicks with Dixes this week.  Russell can only hope for a better outcome facing Forte in Round One.

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top.  That's weak.  Hear me, Mountains?  Rogaine.  It's a thing.

This week:  Mushin no Shin (70.6%)

Paul Pozluszny is literally the only person that Anthony SHOULDN'T have started.  Seriously, look it up.  Look at all of the green arrows on his bench.  Anthony, if this was hearts you fell 1 LB away from shooting the moon.  I wouldn't even be mad.  Your team ate the whole wheel of cheese and pooped on the Rocky Top.

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  I'm a MAN I'm Forte! (11.5 pts)

After the tie-breaker match ups were decided and the only question remaining what who would get which seed there was some jockeying over what team would be the best match up in Round One.  Gaga and Forte are on the longest winnings streaks but have the worse records coming in.  Patterstokes likely has the highest point ceiling but that's with a healthy Percy Harvin and with Foster getting full carries, unlikely now that Houston has clinched.  CWD was the second half monster and has some players with very easy match ups but also has to deal with Peyton possibly being sat.  Two teams that COULD make an argument for inclusion are of course Tracy's Dawg Pounders but also Jeremy's Buffalo Stampede, the 6th highest scoring team that had to combat a brutal 170.2 average ppw from their opponents.  They made a late-season run but couldn't quite get it done.  They are one to watch for 2013.

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"I am not out mathematically, as long as the math is done by Stephen Hawking.  I control my own destiny, I win and I'm in Holmes. If I beat Gaga I'm 7-6 with the best divisional record of anyone except the Scarlet Pimpernelles who are already in.  Gaga and I will be 1-1  HTH and I've beat the Dawgs so many times, I'll need to serve 14 months then sign a $100M contract only to get knocked unconscious so many times my head will look like the Ronco(TM) In The Egg Scrambler. So I'll win the tie breaker according to the tiebreaker button over <there.  It does not matter what you do win or lose for me to make it in. I just have to, you know, actually win.  I have about as much chance as Stephen Hawking."

- Mushin no Shin, who's hoping to break more ties than the Kwisatz Haderach.

 

"The Dawg is the spice.  The spice IS the Dawg."

- Dawg Pounders

"I am starting the Browns OFF against the raiders who gave up the steppes of russia to Doug Martin.  My entire season is in the hands of the Cleveland Browns offense.  Should I be worried"

- Mushin no Shin, whose entire season is about to be fumbled and recovered for a TD by the defense of Fate

"Two concussed tight ends

head slapping with frustration

just might give me one"

- Brady Gaga

 

"Weekly standings between John and Nils:  John adds of Sidney Rice: 4, Nils adds of Brandon Weeden: 3."

-I'm a MAN I'm Forte! Manager Nils Ferm

 

"Good news everyone! My Dynasty League team, Chicks with Ditkas, won our 2nd Division Championship in a row last night. All is right again!"

- Chicks with Ditkas, resorting to Facebook to find praise for his achievement.  Well Mr. Fancy-pants, I hope you enjoy your trophy for being a Division Champion.  Oh, wait, trophies are for ACTUAL Champions?  Premature celebration Russell.  I think there's a pill for that.  It's called "humility".

"I'm thinking "Murray'd to the Mob"

Or something about Dalton's ginger hair..."

-Brady Gaga, post-trade

"Does Nils have some sort of dust he blows in the face of unsuspecting league members that causes them to leverage their entire future for four games? Because I'm currently choking on it along with some crow, pride, and a little too much throw-up."

-Mushin no Shin

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Brady Gaga (8-5) vs. Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (10-3)

And one match-up to rule them all...

Trade Market Watch:

I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! GAVE UP: JONES, FELIX DAL RB THOMAS, PIERRE NOS RB GATES, ANTONIO SDC TE WATT, J.J. HOU DE SMITH, ALDON SFO LB ROGERS, CARLOS SFO CB YEAR 2014 ROUND 3 DRAFT PICK FROM I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! YEAR 2014 ROUND 3 DRAFT PICK FROM MUSHIN NO SHIN MUSHIN NO SHIN GAVE UP: CHARLES, JAMAAL KCC RB SPILLER, C.J. BUF RB DUMERVIL, ELVIS DEN DE MCCOURTY, DEVIN NEP CB YEAR 2014 ROUND 1 DRAFT PICK FROM MUSHIN NO SHIN YEAR 2014 ROUND 5 DRAFT PICK FROM MUSHIN NO SHIN

MUSHIN NO SHIN GAVE UP: FITZGERALD, LARRY ARI WR SIR JARDARRELLE PATTERSTOKES GAVE UP: KAEPERNICK, COLIN SFO QB

BRADY GAGA GAVE UP: BRADY, TOM NEP QB I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! GAVE UP: DALTON, ANDY CIN QB MURRAY, DEMARCO DAL RB*

Two huge trades and one with potentially huge implications for next season, as I'm a MAN I'm Forte! finally sells out on 3 more key members of his legendary 2011 draft class.  It remains to be seen whether JJ Watt will continue to be the "Defensive RGIII" and Aldon Smith can duplicate his Sacksgiving but even if they retain two-thirds of their production Anthony will have raised his floor considerably.  Nils adds 2 slumping but high-ceiling RBs just as we prepare for the great scoring change of 2013 and pads his 2014 draft slate with another RD1 pick.  Not to be overlooked is the cap space and roster space freed up with this deal, space that allowed for promotions and extensions to J. Edelman, A. Dennard, B. Wagner and C. Palmer.  The resulting depth in high-end RB talent also allows for a blockbuster with Brady Gaga, flipping his newly acquired QB for an upgrade at the cost of newly healthy Demarco Murray.  Though Murray is arguably 3rd on the depth chart for Forte he should be able to comfortably slide into the RB2 spot behind Doug Martin for Gaga and give her a massive 1-2 punch at the position.  Dalton has already been extended but has blossomed in his 2nd season and is in a very similar setup to Matt Stafford with an all-world WR (AJ Green) and a poor running game setting up plenty of scoring opportunities and a very high floor.

In the other trade the Kommissar traded high on his Kaepernick, removing any danger from adding Nate Kaeding and being know as the "KKKs".  Turning $11 into Fitty is never a bad move, but for Anthony this made sense considering his depth at WR (Julio Jones, Justin Blackmon, Eric Decker) and wasteland at QB (Pickspatrick).  If Kaepernick is truly the second coming of Mike Vick it will be far and away a steal.  A win-win if I've ever seen one.

*Pending as of the publication of the post.

FA Hot Stocks:

An almost totally bare cupboard this week as the injured studs from weeks past are starting to return.  We'll likely see some low-cost moves to plan for 2013 as well.  Here are a few names of note that still might generate some interest:

Andrew Hawkins, CIN WR
Shane Vereen, RB NEP

Bilal Powell, RB NYJ
Tim Tebow QB NYJ