MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK
Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.
Weekly Awards:
The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.
This week: I'm a MAN I'm Forte! (189.0)
Up against the wall, Nils's team finished their sophomore season in style, knocking off a very competitive Buffalo Stampede squad and paving their way to the playoffs for the first time. Sure, Brandon Myers (33.0 pts) may have tripled Andy Dalton's (8.0 pts) score, plus some, but heading into the Big Dance as the top scoring team of the last two weeks has to feel good. With Brady on the way via a last-minute trade and McCoy coming back it's possible that this Italian's "forte" might just be...winning. Slash I'm going to enjoy this like I'm Sherlock Holmes in the "Hound of the Bask-in-thrills" right up until I get curb-stomped by Russell.
The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)
This week: Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes
Location, location, location can also mean "Timing, timing timing" when you get down to it, and I don't think that anyone could argue against Week 13 being the worst possible time for Breesus to put up the hideous -2.5 pt performance that he did against Atlanta. 5 picks and a penalty wiped out what would have otherwise been a 28 pt outing and a win for Tracy's Dawg Pounders. Wins by Brady Gaga and Forte meant that it didn't cost her a playoff spot, but there was no way for The Birthmarked One (more like "Stig-wata" after Katrina, amiright? Too soon? Gotcha) to know that when he was blissfully tossing away picks like breadcrumbs to the dirty birds. Tracy will have to take consolation in the fact that she finished the season with the second highest scoring team and still look to be in great shape for another run next year.
Location, location, location can also mean "Timing, timing timing" when you get down to it, and I don't think that anyone could argue against Week 13 being the worst possible time for Breesus to put up the hideous -2.5 pt performance that he did against Atlanta. 5 picks and a penalty wiped out what would have otherwise been a 28 pt outing and a win for Tracy's Dawg Pounders. Wins by Brady Gaga and Forte meant that it didn't cost her a playoff spot, but there was no way for The Birthmarked One (more like "Stig-wata" after Katrina, amiright? Too soon? Gotcha) to know that when he was blissfully tossing away picks like breadcrumbs to the dirty birds. Tracy will have to take consolation in the fact that she finished the season with the second highest scoring team and still look to be in great shape for another run next year.
Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched
This week: The Magnetic Turf (34.0)
Until a trade is made to divest him of some QB depth this might be a weekly award that's won exclusively by Phil. His stable of 3 top-10 signal-callers routinely scores into the 30s each week and it's nearly impossible to pick the right one to start week to week. This time around he went with the prodigy, RGIII, but The Man with One Red Shoe (And A Red Jersey, and Another Red Shoe) couldn't break out against what had been a very porous Giants' secondary and only sprung loose for 18.0 pts compared to Car Cam-rod's 34.0. Phil was still able to upset Neyland Division leader Chicks with Ditkas and knock him down to the 2nd seed, but yours truly wonders if with recent moves, the window to get full value for one of these aces is closing.
Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak
Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...
This week: Brady Gaga (tie) I'm a MAN I'm Forte! (3W)
As is usually the case, the bottom seeds are the hottest teams going into the second season. The MEN of Forte righted the ship after losing 3 in a row and have now had 2 streaks of 3 wins (and 1 streak of 3 losses) as they try and stumble their way into respectibility. On the other side of the coin Candice's Dreamboats have been a force, winning 7 of their last 8 to close the season, the lone exception a Week 10 loss to Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes. Old men say that it was a terrible battle, fought in the light of the full moon with powers not seen in mortal men or women. There were strange lights in the sky and the very Earth beneath them groaned as if sick. "Give me the heart-gem!" demanded MechanaJohn, "I must be whole again to re-align my human matrix. Candithullu laughed, her face-tails dripping ichor as they rubbed together in excitement: "Young pup, the flower of my evil is grown to full bloom. None shall stop me from winning Thompson Boling Arena!"
Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win
This week: Brady Gaga (147.0)
Heading into the Final Four Gaga sits as the weakest of the qualifying teams despite an excellent second-half record. She's scored 313 pts combined in the last two weeks and with injuries suffered by both Jonathan Stewart and Rashard Mendenhall she'll need some help if she's to knock of the top seed. This week she was the benefit of a depleted opponent as Mushin no Shin finally pulled the trigger on the JJ Watt deal that had been brewing for weeks. There's no doubt that Anthony will re-load but it wasn't in time to put up more than a token resistance and give Mother Monster a smooth ride into the playoffs. Steve Smith (23.0 pts) and Kyle Rudolph (17.5) were the lone offensive stars this time, but better things are ahead with the pending additions of Demarco Murray and Andy Dalton.
Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections
Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in NO the other night...
This week: The Magnetic Turf (36.5 pt underdog, 23.0 pt winner)
This was a group effort by both TMT and Chicks with Ditkas as not only did The Iron Astro-turf out-score their projected point total by 18.5 pts but the Dairy Queens with Giant Peens assisted in their upset with a 21.0 pt under-performance. For Russell it was an all-around disappointment as nearly every player scored less than expected, but for Phil there were two specific IDPs to thank: Carlos Dunlap (15.5 pts) and William Moore (15.0). Pick-sixes trump Chicks with Dixes this week. Russell can only hope for a better outcome facing Forte in Round One.
MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating
Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.
This week: Mushin no Shin (70.6%)
Paul Pozluszny is literally the only person that Anthony SHOULDN'T have started. Seriously, look it up. Look at all of the green arrows on his bench. Anthony, if this was hearts you fell 1 LB away from shooting the moon. I wouldn't even be mad. Your team ate the whole wheel of cheese and pooped on the Rocky Top.
Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory
This week: I'm a MAN I'm Forte! (11.5 pts)
After the tie-breaker match ups were decided and the only question remaining what who would get which seed there was some jockeying over what team would be the best match up in Round One. Gaga and Forte are on the longest winnings streaks but have the worse records coming in. Patterstokes likely has the highest point ceiling but that's with a healthy Percy Harvin and with Foster getting full carries, unlikely now that Houston has clinched. CWD was the second half monster and has some players with very easy match ups but also has to deal with Peyton possibly being sat. Two teams that COULD make an argument for inclusion are of course Tracy's Dawg Pounders but also Jeremy's Buffalo Stampede, the 6th highest scoring team that had to combat a brutal 170.2 average ppw from their opponents. They made a late-season run but couldn't quite get it done. They are one to watch for 2013.
Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:
"I am not out mathematically, as long as the math is done by Stephen Hawking. I control my own destiny, I win and I'm in Holmes. If I beat Gaga I'm 7-6 with the best divisional record of anyone except the Scarlet Pimpernelles who are already in. Gaga and I will be 1-1 HTH and I've beat the Dawgs so many times, I'll need to serve 14 months then sign a $100M contract only to get knocked unconscious so many times my head will look like the Ronco(TM) In The Egg Scrambler. So I'll win the tie breaker according to the tiebreaker button over <there. It does not matter what you do win or lose for me to make it in. I just have to, you know, actually win. I have about as much chance as Stephen Hawking."
- Mushin no Shin, who's hoping to break more ties than the Kwisatz Haderach.
"The Dawg is the spice. The spice IS the Dawg."
- Dawg Pounders
"I am starting the Browns OFF against the raiders who gave up the steppes of russia to Doug Martin. My entire season is in the hands of the Cleveland Browns offense. Should I be worried"
- Mushin no Shin, whose entire season is about to be fumbled and recovered for a TD by the defense of Fate
"Two concussed tight ends
"Two concussed tight ends
head slapping with frustration
just might give me one"
- Brady Gaga
"Weekly standings between John and Nils: John adds of Sidney Rice: 4, Nils adds of Brandon Weeden: 3."
-I'm a MAN I'm Forte! Manager Nils Ferm
"Good news everyone! My Dynasty League team, Chicks with Ditkas, won our 2nd Division Championship in a row last night. All is right again!"
- Chicks with Ditkas, resorting to Facebook to find praise for his achievement. Well Mr. Fancy-pants, I hope you enjoy your trophy for being a Division Champion. Oh, wait, trophies are for ACTUAL Champions? Premature celebration Russell. I think there's a pill for that. It's called "humility".
"I'm thinking "Murray'd to the Mob"
"I'm thinking "Murray'd to the Mob"
Or something about Dalton's ginger hair..."
-Brady Gaga, post-trade
"Does Nils have some sort of dust he blows in the face of unsuspecting league members that causes them to leverage their entire future for four games? Because I'm currently choking on it along with some crow, pride, and a little too much throw-up."
-Mushin no Shin
Next Week's "Featured Match-up":
Brady Gaga (8-5) vs. Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (10-3)
And one match-up to rule them all...
Trade Market Watch:
I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! GAVE UP: JONES, FELIX DAL RB THOMAS, PIERRE NOS RB GATES, ANTONIO SDC TE WATT, J.J. HOU DE SMITH, ALDON SFO LB ROGERS, CARLOS SFO CB YEAR 2014 ROUND 3 DRAFT PICK FROM I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! YEAR 2014 ROUND 3 DRAFT PICK FROM MUSHIN NO SHIN MUSHIN NO SHIN GAVE UP: CHARLES, JAMAAL KCC RB SPILLER, C.J. BUF RB DUMERVIL, ELVIS DEN DE MCCOURTY, DEVIN NEP CB YEAR 2014 ROUND 1 DRAFT PICK FROM MUSHIN NO SHIN YEAR 2014 ROUND 5 DRAFT PICK FROM MUSHIN NO SHIN
MUSHIN NO SHIN GAVE UP: FITZGERALD, LARRY ARI WR SIR JARDARRELLE PATTERSTOKES GAVE UP: KAEPERNICK, COLIN SFO QB
BRADY GAGA GAVE UP: BRADY, TOM NEP QB I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! GAVE UP: DALTON, ANDY CIN QB MURRAY, DEMARCO DAL RB*
BRADY GAGA GAVE UP: BRADY, TOM NEP QB I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! GAVE UP: DALTON, ANDY CIN QB MURRAY, DEMARCO DAL RB*
Two huge trades and one with potentially huge implications for next season, as I'm a MAN I'm Forte! finally sells out on 3 more key members of his legendary 2011 draft class. It remains to be seen whether JJ Watt will continue to be the "Defensive RGIII" and Aldon Smith can duplicate his Sacksgiving but even if they retain two-thirds of their production Anthony will have raised his floor considerably. Nils adds 2 slumping but high-ceiling RBs just as we prepare for the great scoring change of 2013 and pads his 2014 draft slate with another RD1 pick. Not to be overlooked is the cap space and roster space freed up with this deal, space that allowed for promotions and extensions to J. Edelman, A. Dennard, B. Wagner and C. Palmer. The resulting depth in high-end RB talent also allows for a blockbuster with Brady Gaga, flipping his newly acquired QB for an upgrade at the cost of newly healthy Demarco Murray. Though Murray is arguably 3rd on the depth chart for Forte he should be able to comfortably slide into the RB2 spot behind Doug Martin for Gaga and give her a massive 1-2 punch at the position. Dalton has already been extended but has blossomed in his 2nd season and is in a very similar setup to Matt Stafford with an all-world WR (AJ Green) and a poor running game setting up plenty of scoring opportunities and a very high floor.
In the other trade the Kommissar traded high on his Kaepernick, removing any danger from adding Nate Kaeding and being know as the "KKKs". Turning $11 into Fitty is never a bad move, but for Anthony this made sense considering his depth at WR (Julio Jones, Justin Blackmon, Eric Decker) and wasteland at QB (Pickspatrick). If Kaepernick is truly the second coming of Mike Vick it will be far and away a steal. A win-win if I've ever seen one.
*Pending as of the publication of the post.
*Pending as of the publication of the post.
FA Hot Stocks:
An almost totally bare cupboard this week as the injured studs from weeks past are starting to return. We'll likely see some low-cost moves to plan for 2013 as well. Here are a few names of note that still might generate some interest:
Andrew Hawkins, CIN WR
Shane Vereen, RB NEP
Shane Vereen, RB NEP
Bilal Powell, RB NYJ
Tim Tebow QB NYJ
Tim Tebow QB NYJ
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