And the real refs are back! ...just in time to miss a key fumble call and nearly decapitate Desean Jackson! Division leads up for grabs, fraternal championship belts changing hands, men versus hermaphrodites, buffalo versus dogs, even the replacement refs went wild this week! If you want to make the playoffs this year, Week Four is the gauntlet that needs to be picked up. Bring it on: Again: In it to Win It! (That's the best one, so it's the best phrase."
MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK
Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.
This week's Guest Introduction: Celebrity GM Anthony LeBude!
The Beastie boys:Paul’s Boutique
Beloved by the critics but did not sell well, the sophomore album mirrors Brady Gaga’s team this year.
Even she said earlier this week, “all of the sudden my team is sucking.”
She also received the inaugural Kurtis Blow:Deuce award for the DE’s that dropped a deuce on Sunday
and cost them the match.
Ultramagnetic MCs: Critical Beatdown
The killuh, the chronic, one bad mothuh, Lady Tracey Day lays another monumental beat down on some
unsuspecting sucker of an MC. This time it was Buffalo Stampede, who was not helped by Brandon
Browner (0), the CB he won in our bidding war. He also shopped for Christmas presents early at
Crabtree + Floyd, where everything was at a discount low, low price of 7 points total for both of them.
Del La Soul: 3 feet high and rising. This has to go to the Replacement Ref’s Gone Wild for their
undewinned season (that’s supposed to be the opposite of undefeated) after the recent loss to Mushin
No Shin. The hit single “Potholes in my lawns” might explain the low scoring frames for defense and
WR.
Big Daddy Kane:Long live the Kane
Dooley’s are sitting high atop the family throne laying down another smooth tone. But with all his
commissioner machinations, and big money trades he’s beginning to look like Jerry Jones. Minus all the
losing, of course. He’s 4-0, and currently holds the little known family prize passed back and forth from
Gaga and him after every win. A pair of parachute pants with zippers and Velcro. John secretly has a
second pair for 80’s night at the local Maine watering hole in the event she ever wins a game.
Ice T:Power
Best running back production on the weekend goes to Dapper Dooleys for 44 points. Known for their
WR scouting talent, the Dooley’ scored big with 3 RBs this weekend, despite trading all his good ones
to MNS during the offseason. The trio of Foster, Mathews, and Richardson could open their own clinic
called Clavicle, Hamstring and Knee.
Too short:Born to Mack
This might have to go to I’m a Man I’M Forte, for coming up short on Monday Night. Ironically he does
not even own Forte anymore, who didn’t do a whole lot anyway.
However, he does win the Three times dope: Original Stylin’ award for the most points scored by three
WRs at 54.
N.W.A.:Straight Outta Compton.
App refugees for coming out of nowhere to lay down a seminal win this week against the Magnetic Turf.
They received great performances on the MIC from Dr. Turner (RB), EZ Zurlein (PK), DJ Jones (WR), MC
Lance Briggs runnin’ it back on D, and Ice Cube himself at QB (well actually just the Wash OFF, but Griffin
is certainly cool in the pocket).
Heavy D: Big Tyme goes to Chicks with Ditkas who laid the wood to IAMIF this week in a stellar last
second win. Watching those points move on their game was more exciting than the actual game. Forte
might have won, had the Cowboys brought Orten in earlier to manage the game and give it to Murray.
CWDs who have taken a neglected team and scraped together waiver wire wins each week is on top of
their division and look to be even stronger with a million points left on their bench. A tough match-up
because of the mercurial nature of the its players.
I’m out, y’all keep it real.
Weekly Awards:
The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.
This week: Dawg Pounders (211.0)
This award came right down to the wire this week as Tracy edged out the point scoring avalanche that is Chicks with Ditkas. No slouch herself, Tracy is now solidly the top scoring team in the league, posting a daunting 750.0 pts through 4 weeks, or almost 175 pts/w. There were 3 200+pt performances this week, triple the total from the previous 3. The Dawgs ate plenty of Kibble in this well-rounded attack with only Drew Brees' standout 35.0 pt and the NEP 23.0 pt showing topping the 20.0 pt threshold.
The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)
This week: Dawg Pounders
There were incredibly only 2 negative performances by players in a starting lineup this week, and only 1 of them appeared in a losing effort. Hounded by a ferocious Carolina pass rush all day, the ATL Off surrendered like a French bullfighter, giving up 7 sacks while only accumulating 121 rushing yards. Their -1.0 pt performance wouldn't have made up the 11.50 pt difference between the Incarcerated Snoop and the Rampaging Bison, but a performance like last week's 6.0 would have certainly helped.
There were incredibly only 2 negative performances by players in a starting lineup this week, and only 1 of them appeared in a losing effort. Hounded by a ferocious Carolina pass rush all day, the ATL Off surrendered like a French bullfighter, giving up 7 sacks while only accumulating 121 rushing yards. Their -1.0 pt performance wouldn't have made up the 11.50 pt difference between the Incarcerated Snoop and the Rampaging Bison, but a performance like last week's 6.0 would have certainly helped.
Molehill - Awarded to the team that had the Highest Efficiency Rating
This week: Dawg Pounders (100.0%)
A now 2-time winner of this award, Tracy confided to me that picking a perfect lineup is "I don't know who this is and I don't talk to strangers". This week she managed to top her 95.9% performance from Week 3 and post the 2nd 100% efficiency rating of the season. This time she was helped by only 1 10+pt performance by her bench players, a 13.0 pt uprising by the Caroline Offensive Line. Heh, 13.0 pts? I'd say that's a pretty good line. Heh.
Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak
Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...
This week: Dapper Dooleys (4-0)
Playing his sister right after her wedding? Smokin John Anderson don't care: http://smokinjaycutler.tumblr.com/
Playing his sister right after her wedding? Smokin John Anderson don't care: http://smokinjaycutler.tumblr.com/
Conspiracy Note: John's opponents have logged 549.5 pts this season, a full 25 pts less than the next easiest schedule, and over 110 pts fewer than yours truly. This is like when someone goes from 15HR to 45HR after one off season at Balco. What are you injecting into your rear John? Is it HGH? Your beard looks much fuller than usual. IS IT SWOLLEN WITH BOLIVIAN YAK STEROIDS?!?!
Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win
This week: Dapper Dooleys (166.0)
Well, let's see where this falls on the "Levels of Shocked" spectrum:
10 - Hit by lightning bolt while swimming
9 - Uses electric eel instead of anal beads by accident
8 - Connects wrong leads to battery while jump starting friend's car
7 - Finding out that The Wire never won a single Emmy
6 - Pees on third subway rail on a dare
5 - Phone shorts out in pocket after urinating self
4 - Tim Tebow going to the NYJ instead of JAC
3 - The end of The Sixth Sense
2 - The end of any and all other M. Night movies
1 - The KOMMISSAR of your fantasy football league owning 3 top-10 RBs, 3 top-10 WR and having the easiest schedule by far, enabling him to start the season 4-0 despite scoring only the 4th highest point total.
Yeah, that feels about right.
Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections
Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in ATL the other night.
This week: Appalachian Refugees
That's how to turn it around! After starting 0-3 there was little hope for the Gypsies of Appalachia but they gutted it out to post their highest score of the season in a fantastic Week 4 comeback. Predicted to lose 155.5 to 173.5 to The Magnetic Turf, Jimmy and Bill outscored their projection by FORTY points en route to a 195.5 to 178.0 victory. Incredibly, they were able to do this despite netting only 6.5 pts from Carson Palmer and a COMBINED 12.0 pts from Darren Mcfadden and Andre Johnson. Instead the Hobos of Hoboken have players to thank like James Jones (22.0 pts), Michael Turner (25.0), Lance Briggs (23.0) and an incredible 22.0 pts from PK Greg Zuerlein, who may come last alphabetically but whose Week 4 output ALONE would land him 29th at his position for the season.
That's how to turn it around! After starting 0-3 there was little hope for the Gypsies of Appalachia but they gutted it out to post their highest score of the season in a fantastic Week 4 comeback. Predicted to lose 155.5 to 173.5 to The Magnetic Turf, Jimmy and Bill outscored their projection by FORTY points en route to a 195.5 to 178.0 victory. Incredibly, they were able to do this despite netting only 6.5 pts from Carson Palmer and a COMBINED 12.0 pts from Darren Mcfadden and Andre Johnson. Instead the Hobos of Hoboken have players to thank like James Jones (22.0 pts), Michael Turner (25.0), Lance Briggs (23.0) and an incredible 22.0 pts from PK Greg Zuerlein, who may come last alphabetically but whose Week 4 output ALONE would land him 29th at his position for the season.
MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating
Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.
This week: Chicks with Ditkas (75.8%)
UGGGGGHHHHH CWD becomes the first team to post the lowest efficiency rating for the week yet still win their match-up, posting 210.0 pts despite leaving 125.0 on the bench. Basically this award was going to go to whomever owned Brian Hartline this week. His combination of "Should I start a MIA wideout named Brian Hartline or LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE" and the 43.5 pts that he actually put up locked up this award for my bitter rival. Russell would have had a shot at this award regardless though, as Pey-Pey (31.0 pts) and Greg Olsen (20.0 pts) were strong reserve plays.
Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory
This week: Chicks with Ditkas (9.5 pts)
Back to back 9.5 pt victories and a 1.0 game division lead are nice things to have in a league this competitive, and the Excitables with Externals locked up both this week but edging out I'm a MAN I'm Forte by the narrowest of margins. It was in doubt until the final buzzer sounded in Monday night's game but Demarco Murray was unable to break through the TB defense for any long runs and stalled at 13.0 pts. Happily a Week 9 rematch looms ominously, and once I harvest some of John's steroid beard I will be unbeatable. Aha ahaha ahHAHAHAHAHA
Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:
" Don't start celebrating yet. I always pour a little out before finishing a Forte."
- Chicks with Ditkas, bringing some trash talk to the table, which is incredibly unsanitary
"4-0, feeling great! I'm really proud of you guys. Megatron, I'm a bit worried that you're not the top WR though. Might need to make a 'trade' for AJ Green. A 'trade too good to refuse'. No, no, leave the bats there. That comes later."
- Dapper Dooleys [dramatization, but I'm pretty sure this happened late Sunday]
"I'm taking the ball next week, and I'm scoring."
- Me, and you can quote me on it. I just did, and it's super easy.
"..."
- Buffalo Stampede, unreachable for comment. Really weird too. His mail is all piled up on his stoop and he's not answering his phone. I bumped into Tracy living in a tipi in his yard and she said she hadn't seen him in a while and thought that "he'd migrated onto the big herd in the sky" but I don't know what she meant. The beef stew that she was making in a giant cauldron was delicious though!
"Eighteen points last week
Now no targets by Eli?
Martellus Bennett"
- Brady Gaga
"Eighteen points last week
Now no targets by Eli?
Martellus Bennett"
- Brady Gaga
Next Week's "Featured Match-up":
I'm a MAN I'm Forte (2-2) vs. Mushin no Shin (3-1)
The two 2nd seeds go at it to determine who gets an edge for the 2nd playoff spot. It's never too early to think playoffs positioning, trust me. I've been awake since 6AM and no one has told me to stop yet. Anthony needs a win here if he hopes to stay within striking distance of Dapper Dooleys, who have the less-heralded Replacement Refs Gone Wild as their match up. Forte is 1 of 3 teams sitting at 2-2 in the Neyland division so likewise can't afford to give up ground. It should be a closely contested tilt also, with both teams posting similar point totals to this part of the season and early predictions only giving Mushin a 4.1 pt advantage.
Trade Market Watch:
No trades this week, though I offered like a jillion and half of the people didn't get back to me. SIGH
FA Hot Stocks:
There should be some big noise this week as a few FA made waves and will demand a premium bid. NEP RB Brandon Bolden, Andre Roberts and Jackie Battle should all net close to $7 and with bye weeks continuing its likely that Kevin Kolb and Matt Hasselbeck will generate some bidding as well.
