Off Season Profiles: Chinese Mafia

Team: Chinese Mafia
Owner: Da Chang
2012 Finish: 2-11-0, 10th place overall
Budget as of 1/1/13: $153.00
Draft Pick Situation: All intact for 2013 and 2014

Contract Years Committed to 2013 (filled to reflect a full starting lineup of players): 32


RFA-eligible Players (likely to be retained in red):
J. Freeman, M. Vick, A. Green, J. Stewart, D. Thomas, P. Garcon, J. Finley, H. Miller, K. Huber, B. Mebane, H. Melton, M. Bennett, M. Shaughnessy, M. Boley, L. Briggs, C. Williams, G. Quinn, A. Rolle, SFO, J. Ballard

Projected 2013 Starting Lineup:*

QB: R. Tannehill
RB: D. McFadden
RB: M. Turner
WR: M. Austin
WR: J. Jones
FLEX: D. Jackson
TE: C. Fleener
PK: G. Zuerlin
PN: X
DE/DT1:  X
DE/DT2:  X
DE/DT3:  X
DE/DT4:  X
LB1: P. Willis
LB2:  X
LB3:  X
CB1: D. Hall
CB2:  X
S1:  X
S2:  X
OFF:  X

TS:
D. Johnson
M. Sanu
F. Cox
M. Whitney
H. Smith

*No RFAs are used to make this lineup.

Weaknesses:
There are a number of weaknesses on this team, though expectations are low enough for 2013 that nearly any growth is a positive.  As of the publication of this post, manager Da Chang fields below-average starters at every position except WR1/WR2.  Especially concerning is the lack of top talent at QB and DE/DT.  Deficiencies at OFF/TE can be overcome by the retention of RFAs SFO and Heath Miller, but Da will have to be lucky with his 5 2013 draft picks and invest a large portion of his FAAB into acquiring some top talent if he hopes to compete.  This roster brings to mind the roster of 2011 team Snooki MonsterOMNOMNOMNOM, which ended up spending close to $240 on UFAs in order to become relevant.  Chinese Mafia scored an average of 135.6ppw in 2012, last in the league and 27.0ppw less than the 4th playoff seed.  Specific needs include upgrades at QB1/RB2/Flex/DE/DT/CB/S/Off/LB.

Likely Off Season Targets:
Without question Da will invest in a new defense, hoping to hit pay-dirt under the new tackle-scoring system.  I anticipate large bids headed towards RFAs Demaryius Thomas and possibly also Eric Decker.  Though WR is currently a strength for the Mafia it is the position with the best talent concentration in this off season and it makes sense for him to convert some of their financial largess into player form in order to deal for the pieces it truly needs.  Additionally, DThomas or EDecker would constitute upgrades at the WR2/Flex positions if retained instead of being dealt.  I expect Da to make a hard push for one of the 3 elite QBs from The Magnetic Turf, possibly packaging DMC with picks and/or cash in order to net a blue-chip asset to build around.  Regardless, Chinese Mafia should be a major player in UFA/RFA and I expect him to retain all of his picks in order to build a foundation.

Hypothetical Trades:
Run-DMC + 2 RD1 picks for M. Ryan
DMC for A. Hernandez
$70 for C. Newton

2013 Outlook:
Bleak unless Phil decides to part with one of his QBs for less than he's asked for in the past.  I see this as an evaluation year where Da takes stock of what pieces he has and gets a feel for what positions to target when he's closer to contending.  The 2013 off season lacks the impact talent at RB and QB that we enjoyed last year so he'll need to be careful that he's not spending to spend, and instead makes wise long-term investments.  With careful allocation of financial assets and a very active trade market I see Da going into 2014 with a chance at a .500 record, but not before.  With a gap of 30ppw separating him from the playoffs as-is it would be overly optimistic to expect Da to overcome it in one off-season.  The long game is definitely in play.  The first step is to gain as many player assets as possible and then trade off as many sell-high players as are produced in order to retain the ability to strike when top talent becomes available.  I anticipate a 10th place finish and 4 wins in 2013.  This is a franchise on the rise, but that likely won't become apparent until 2014.

MMQS Final Week

Week 17: The week every team plays but only two compete.  John came in with a big lead, but you know that Russell loves crushing dreams.  Would the Kommissar be able to rule unchallenged, or would the Thongs full of ding-dongs be able to pull a reach-around??  Inappropriate metaphors abound!

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:

The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Dawg Pounders (232.0)

Last week it was underrated Buffalo Stampede putting on a show and this week it's Tracy dropping the power elbow with unmitigated authorithai.  232.0 points puts her squarely in the top three all-time for the Rocky Top in terms of big weeks, and goodness me does it have to sting knowing that it was in vain.  At least she's on the leader board for something this season.  Drew Brees (36.0), Demaryius Thomas (25.0) and Jimmy Graham (24.5) were nice, but the CAR offensive line put up a ridiculous 27.0 points and took this party from "off the chain" to "really not restrained in any way."  Save some for 2013 Tracy, save some for 2013.

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: NA
Only one match up this week but impressively there was only one negative performance out of all ten teams.  Ray Rice put up his second straight no-show for Baltimore, putting a ceiling on Anthony's strong final week with his -1.5 pt output.  Luckily I have "stud" TE Brandon Myers available in trade, big guy.  Perhaps we could orchestrate a swap?  They call him "Myers Glue" because he's stuck on 1 point all game...

Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched

This week: Buffalo Stampede  (36.5)

Interesting fact:  Apparently Michael Crabtree is good.  I know, strange.  Since Kaepernick's taken over in SF he's been targeted at an elite level and has made good on the investment, averaging over 6 catches and 80 yards per game.  It'd be tough for Jeremy to see it coming, and probably unlikely that he set a lineup for a week with no payoff but it's an encouraging development for 2013 as Alex Smith appears to be headed to another team as soon as SF finishes their playoff run.

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (3W)

IT IS A GOOD DAY BECAUSE JOHN ANDERSON HAS WON.  ALL OF NORTH KOREA TENNESSEE IS HAPPY.  CHILDREN CLAP AND WOMEN CRY BECAUSE THEY HAVE STRONG FEELINGS.  ALL OF PYONGYANG  NASHVILLE SUPPORTS THEIR GLORIOUS KOMMISSAR.  HE IS NOW UNDEFEATED IN ALL COMPETITION.  HE WILL CONTINUE TO DEVELOP HIS NUCLEAR PROGRAM WIDE RECEIVERS NAMED AFTER TRANSFORMERS AND THEY WILL DEFEAT THE DECADENT WEST BRADY GAGA.

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes  (168.0)
In all fairness John managed himself to a well-deserved win, working around key injuries to Percy Harvin, Ryan Matthews, Rob Gronkowski and Matt Stafford's understanding of how team sports work.  With a Noah's Ark-load of draft picks (2 in every round) over the next 2 seasons and no real positional weaknesses he is poised to rule over the Rocky Top.  He may not be the champion we want, but he's the champion we deserve..."The Orange Knight".

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in NO the other night...

This week: NA 
John was the big favorite this week and managed to hold on despite a sub-par performance.  Shockingly, he was able to overcome a late charge by Russell while still starting Trent Richardson, out with an ankle injury.  Confidence or just plain hubris?  These are the questions that will plague me all off-season...

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.

This week:  Buffalo Stampede (66.2%)

Narrowly edging out:  Chinese Mafia, who posted his 3rd consecutive week with a sub-70% ER.  

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (9.0 pts)

GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"I won the rookie draft starting the browns offense.  I should at least get $25 in blindbidding money"

- Mushin no Shin, whose spending habits tab all money as "blind".  Research doesn't mean "to search again" in this context, Anthony...

"I understand that it's an unusual request.  And I'm not homophobic.  I just want you to protect me from chicks with ditkas.  Hello?  Hello?"

- DreamBoat Trash, talking to Kevin "The Bodyguard" Costner.  What a Hollywood poser.

"Oh, I won?  I thought it finished last week.  I was sun bathing in Aluahotulatei.  And by that I mean that there's a grotto in Hawaii where you can actually bathe in the sun.  The villagers thought that I was a God with my fiery hair and pale complexion.  This is for fantasy football, right?  I'll send a flock of tropical penguins to pick up my winnings."

- Kommissar

"Tried "Brady Gaga"

Then got "Murray'd to the Mob"

Should have just grown Mike."

- Candice, also not understanding how to beat Chicks with Ditkas.

"What's an ER?"

- Chinese Mafia

"God Damnit!!"
- Dawg Pounders, scoring like they were the Pat's offense, the Seahawk's defense, or anyone playing the Saints.

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Chicks with Ditkas (10-4) vs. Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (11-3)

NO ONE!  Everyone go home and lick your wounds!  Praise Dungy, 2012 is over!!

Coming Soon:
RFA list and team-specific offseason previews!