MMQS Final Week

Week 17: The week every team plays but only two compete.  John came in with a big lead, but you know that Russell loves crushing dreams.  Would the Kommissar be able to rule unchallenged, or would the Thongs full of ding-dongs be able to pull a reach-around??  Inappropriate metaphors abound!

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:

The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Dawg Pounders (232.0)

Last week it was underrated Buffalo Stampede putting on a show and this week it's Tracy dropping the power elbow with unmitigated authorithai.  232.0 points puts her squarely in the top three all-time for the Rocky Top in terms of big weeks, and goodness me does it have to sting knowing that it was in vain.  At least she's on the leader board for something this season.  Drew Brees (36.0), Demaryius Thomas (25.0) and Jimmy Graham (24.5) were nice, but the CAR offensive line put up a ridiculous 27.0 points and took this party from "off the chain" to "really not restrained in any way."  Save some for 2013 Tracy, save some for 2013.

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: NA
Only one match up this week but impressively there was only one negative performance out of all ten teams.  Ray Rice put up his second straight no-show for Baltimore, putting a ceiling on Anthony's strong final week with his -1.5 pt output.  Luckily I have "stud" TE Brandon Myers available in trade, big guy.  Perhaps we could orchestrate a swap?  They call him "Myers Glue" because he's stuck on 1 point all game...

Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched

This week: Buffalo Stampede  (36.5)

Interesting fact:  Apparently Michael Crabtree is good.  I know, strange.  Since Kaepernick's taken over in SF he's been targeted at an elite level and has made good on the investment, averaging over 6 catches and 80 yards per game.  It'd be tough for Jeremy to see it coming, and probably unlikely that he set a lineup for a week with no payoff but it's an encouraging development for 2013 as Alex Smith appears to be headed to another team as soon as SF finishes their playoff run.

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (3W)

IT IS A GOOD DAY BECAUSE JOHN ANDERSON HAS WON.  ALL OF NORTH KOREA TENNESSEE IS HAPPY.  CHILDREN CLAP AND WOMEN CRY BECAUSE THEY HAVE STRONG FEELINGS.  ALL OF PYONGYANG  NASHVILLE SUPPORTS THEIR GLORIOUS KOMMISSAR.  HE IS NOW UNDEFEATED IN ALL COMPETITION.  HE WILL CONTINUE TO DEVELOP HIS NUCLEAR PROGRAM WIDE RECEIVERS NAMED AFTER TRANSFORMERS AND THEY WILL DEFEAT THE DECADENT WEST BRADY GAGA.

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes  (168.0)
In all fairness John managed himself to a well-deserved win, working around key injuries to Percy Harvin, Ryan Matthews, Rob Gronkowski and Matt Stafford's understanding of how team sports work.  With a Noah's Ark-load of draft picks (2 in every round) over the next 2 seasons and no real positional weaknesses he is poised to rule over the Rocky Top.  He may not be the champion we want, but he's the champion we deserve..."The Orange Knight".

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in NO the other night...

This week: NA 
John was the big favorite this week and managed to hold on despite a sub-par performance.  Shockingly, he was able to overcome a late charge by Russell while still starting Trent Richardson, out with an ankle injury.  Confidence or just plain hubris?  These are the questions that will plague me all off-season...

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.

This week:  Buffalo Stampede (66.2%)

Narrowly edging out:  Chinese Mafia, who posted his 3rd consecutive week with a sub-70% ER.  

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (9.0 pts)

GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"I won the rookie draft starting the browns offense.  I should at least get $25 in blindbidding money"

- Mushin no Shin, whose spending habits tab all money as "blind".  Research doesn't mean "to search again" in this context, Anthony...

"I understand that it's an unusual request.  And I'm not homophobic.  I just want you to protect me from chicks with ditkas.  Hello?  Hello?"

- DreamBoat Trash, talking to Kevin "The Bodyguard" Costner.  What a Hollywood poser.

"Oh, I won?  I thought it finished last week.  I was sun bathing in Aluahotulatei.  And by that I mean that there's a grotto in Hawaii where you can actually bathe in the sun.  The villagers thought that I was a God with my fiery hair and pale complexion.  This is for fantasy football, right?  I'll send a flock of tropical penguins to pick up my winnings."

- Kommissar

"Tried "Brady Gaga"

Then got "Murray'd to the Mob"

Should have just grown Mike."

- Candice, also not understanding how to beat Chicks with Ditkas.

"What's an ER?"

- Chinese Mafia

"God Damnit!!"
- Dawg Pounders, scoring like they were the Pat's offense, the Seahawk's defense, or anyone playing the Saints.

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Chicks with Ditkas (10-4) vs. Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (11-3)

NO ONE!  Everyone go home and lick your wounds!  Praise Dungy, 2012 is over!!

Coming Soon:
RFA list and team-specific offseason previews!