Sweet Sixteen? Not so for 8 of the 10 members of the Rocky Top. For that last one though, it symbolizes a step closer to the Promised Land, and the first season-spanning trophies are awarded to the last place and third place finishers. Week 16 is a whole lot of dirt. Can you dig it??
MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK
Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.
Weekly Awards:
The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.
This week: Buffalo Stampede (210.5)
This week gave us a dominant performance in a season full of ups and downs for Jeremy's wranglers. Buoyed by season-high performances from Roddy White (35.0 pts), Dez Bryant (43.0) and Mr. Kardashian himself, Reggie Bush (31.0), the Bison Brouhaha trampled Tracy's Dawgs on their way to an overall 5th place finish. There are some contract issues to be dealt with in 2013 but Jeremy has to be encouraged by how strong he's looked at times, and by winning the consolation bracket he can look forward to a nice draft position as well.
The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)
This week: Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes
Not a "win" per se, but the Houston Texan's offensive line performance in week 16 was, well, offensive. 34 rushing yards and 4 sacks allowed? Why, it almost makes one think that TJ Yates was in the game. Wait...
Luckily for Russell he has another week to try and rebound, and the sword of negative scoring was double-edged for John as Arian Foster's injury was a large reason for the poor output. I have a feeling that both managers would be happy seeing these respective players dominate in week 17.
Not a "win" per se, but the Houston Texan's offensive line performance in week 16 was, well, offensive. 34 rushing yards and 4 sacks allowed? Why, it almost makes one think that TJ Yates was in the game. Wait...
Luckily for Russell he has another week to try and rebound, and the sword of negative scoring was double-edged for John as Arian Foster's injury was a large reason for the poor output. I have a feeling that both managers would be happy seeing these respective players dominate in week 17.
Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched
This week: The Magnetic Turf (37.0)
Aaaaaaaand we're back! Matty Ice beer-bonged the competition this week as his 37.0 benched points were a full dozen over the next largest output. I've said in the past that Phil should trade one of his 3 stud QBs so this doesn't keep happening but I take it back. This is your wheelhouse, what your brand is based on. Don't pull a Crystal Pepsi and reinvent yourself! From now on, this award will be known as the "Matty Iceberg".
Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak
Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...
This week: Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (2W)
What a 3 week stretch for the Kommissar! Down nearly 40 points in his match up against Candice only to pull out a shocking back-week upset, and then roasting Russell in the first half of the championship match. Give up the ghost, Hollywood, because even you couldn't have scripted it be--wait, what's this? A Hollywood script titled "Nashvillification"? Hmmm...catchy title. Let's see:
A bushy-bearded, bright-eyed woodsman from Nashville wins the lottery and takes over the position of Commissioner for the NFL, but the fans and owners start to revolt after he puts Andre Johnson, Percy Harvin and Calvin Johnson all on the same team, but refuses to give them a better QB than Tony Romo. With his back against a wall as high as the Rocky Top, he must use his folksy wisdom and paranormal abilities to overcome his detractors and lead the league in suspensions.
A bushy-bearded, bright-eyed woodsman from Nashville wins the lottery and takes over the position of Commissioner for the NFL, but the fans and owners start to revolt after he puts Andre Johnson, Percy Harvin and Calvin Johnson all on the same team, but refuses to give them a better QB than Tony Romo. With his back against a wall as high as the Rocky Top, he must use his folksy wisdom and paranormal abilities to overcome his detractors and lead the league in suspensions.
Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win
This week: Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (161.5)
"I nearly finished listening to his pitch!" said one Paramount exec.
Gushed Michael Bay: "This definitely had words in it!"
"The paper tasted wonderful!" opined Bailey Mohair the dog.
Aaaand we're back to John winning while scoring as few points as are possible. Sadly Russell has been mired in the 150-160pt range for weeks now, and he'll need to really shake things up to come back and take the title. John just needs to be thankful that, as he broke his collarbone, no, the other one, Ryan Matthews is not available to crap all over his flex spot.
"I nearly finished listening to his pitch!" said one Paramount exec.
Gushed Michael Bay: "This definitely had words in it!"
"The paper tasted wonderful!" opined Bailey Mohair the dog.
Aaaand we're back to John winning while scoring as few points as are possible. Sadly Russell has been mired in the 150-160pt range for weeks now, and he'll need to really shake things up to come back and take the title. John just needs to be thankful that, as he broke his collarbone, no, the other one, Ryan Matthews is not available to crap all over his flex spot.
Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections
Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in NO the other night...
This week: Buffalo Stampede (7.5 pt underdog, 24.5 pt winner)
It was an interesting match up in the 5th place game this year, as both participants had a legitimate case for being a title favorite in 2013. Both produced point totals that pointed to a better Pythagorean record for this season and both suffered key injuries that muted that output. I have no doubt that they have the potential to meet again in the playoffs next season, only hopefully in the winner's bracket.
MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating
Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.
This week: Chinese Mafia (64.3%)
Wow. Back to back weeks under 65% ER. Rest in Peace, Da's 2012. May you never turn into a zombie and crawl out of your grave to infect the rest of us with your awfulness.
Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory
This week: Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (19.5 pts)
Grumble grumble grumble.
Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:
"Sir Jar Jar Binksirstokes is starting both Romo and Moreno for the next two weeks. This is like getting to the top of the roller coaster uphill then realizing you are about to throw up but can't stop the train. I think if I had to lay everything on the line for two weeks, combat all the negative commish fixed the league banter, the illegal trades, and try to not lose to an expansion team in its first year, I'm certainly going with Tony Romo and Knowshon Moreno. They've never let me down before!
Edit 12/23/2012 5:50 P.M.: Uhh...I meant I would certainly go with Romo cause he's due a career game...I just misspelled it as "fantasy apocalypse.""
Edit 12/23/2012 5:50 P.M.: Uhh...I meant I would certainly go with Romo cause he's due a career game...I just misspelled it as "fantasy apocalypse.""
- Mushin no Shin
"Oh yay! Third place! Now I'll get a good draft pick! Oh, wait. I've traded them all away? MYERS!"
- DreamBoat Trash
"Mussssssst conservessss energiesssss. Onnnllly sssssscore jusssst enough to winsss. Yessssss...winsss are the Preciousssss."
- Kommissar, even more troubling when you realize that he's never seen LOTR or The Hobbit. That's just his normal speaking voice. Let me rephrase: THAT IS HOW HE THINKS HUMAN BEINGS TALK.
"I should know better.
"I should know better.
Always start tight end "Rudolph"
on Christmas weekend."
- Brady Gaga
"Wait--we're still playing?"
- Chinese Mafia
Next Week's "Featured Match-up":
Chicks with Ditkas (10-4) vs. Sir Jardarrelle Patterstokes (11-3)
The 2012 season comes to a close with one final week of playoffs. John is preemptively celebrating in Hawaii while Russell is doing push-ups and cocaine all week. Will The Thongs with Ding Dongs take out the Knights in Orange Tights?? Will I finally be able to say: "Hey, at least I can finally drop Brandon Myers?" Is there a prize for 3rd place? Can Anthony and Candice now trade BACK for their picks in 2013? Has Da played football before, ever, and if so, what rules did they use? Is Phil Thompson handsome, and if so, does his mother go "Awe-Phil" and hurt his feelings by accident?? Will the Browns sign Tracy to be their QB next season? Can she draft herself? DOES ANYONE WANT TO TAKE OVER MMQS NEXT SEASON? I AM RUNNING OUT OF JOKES AND JUST VARYING FONT SIZE FOR LAUGHS.
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