Week Three MMQS

Welcome to Week Three everyone!  Refs calling holding, Refs BEING held; it seems like everyone needed a little more tenderness headed into Candice's wedding weekend!  There were some hard-fought match ups this week and even Round 2 of "Punter Decides All".  Could Jon Ryan scuttle Chicks with Ditkas?  Everyone knows his favorite move in the bedroom is the "field position"...  Let's take a peek!

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill:  A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions.  Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:

The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Chicks with Ditkas (203.5)

THIS, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how you want to get a streak going.  Despite a 15 point setback loss in Week 2 CWD has increased their point totals from 139.5 to 160.5 to 203.5.  Now leading the Neyland Division, does Russell have more in the tank?  He faces a tough inter-divisional rival next week in I'm a MAN I'm Forte! and if wants to hold onto his crown for more than one week he'll have to hope that Joe Flacco (30.0 pts) and AJ Green (34.0 pts) can come close to repeating their Week 3 performances.  Which they can't, so he should probably bench them.

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: Mushin no Shin  
Ouch.  In the short history of this award we've had a few negative performances in the -1.0 and -2.0 range, but generally not from stars, and generally not in such a winnable match up.  That ended this week, when Michael Vick's fingers transmogrified from flesh and bone into deliciously buttery, Simpson's-endorsed candy bars.  Butterfingers, folks, we be talkin' bout Butterfingers.  2 fumbles lost, including 1 for a return TD, under 200 passing yards, under 50 rushing yards.  If Arizona had merely been able to keep him upright no doubt he would have been gracious enough to fumble again, but even minus the ball-coughing he still racked up -2.0 pts from penalties alone.  All in all the Fugees had to deal with net -4.0 pts from their "star" QB, who at this point might actually prefer to be back in jail, where all he could fumble was the soap.

Molehill - Awarded to the team that had the Highest Efficiency Rating

This week:  Dawg Pounders (99.5%)

Presented with another chance to move up in the standings with Dapper Dooleys and Buffalo Stampede locked in a h2h match up, Tracy made the most of it and was nearly flawless in her prediction of point performance.  Only a divination of the Great Red Satan in Washington and his running back predilections kept her from increasing her point total the 1.0 that would have netted her a perfect score.  Sadly it wasn't enough this week, and once again we're confronted with the sad sight of a lady with a penis beating an incarcerated dog.

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: Dapper Dooleys (3-0)
And finally, there was one.  League KOMMISSAR John Anderson trounced his "friend" to take over both the Division and League lead and extend his unbeaten streak to 3.  Dapper faces a strong intra-familial foe in Brady Gaga next week but true prognosticators are already looking forward to Week 6, when he'll have to go up against overall scoring leader Dawg Pounders.  Being notoriously and hilariously afraid of dogs, the Dooleys have not yet commented on my plan to drive to Wells and seed his lawn with Kibble.

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   Magnetic Turf  (143.5)

Generally this category also doubles as the "smallest margin of victory" category because the lower the scoring, the more likelihood that it was a close match up.  Not so in this tilt between author favorite "Da Turff" and Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood, and even Daniel Tiger hung his head in shame after Rodgers barely managed to crack the 100 pt barrier.  There should be brighter days ahead for Phil, as my own personal experience in the basement showed me last year, but as it stands he's at a league-worst 0-3 and is already a 51.6 pt underdog in his Week 4 match up against Mushin no Shin.  Perhaps it might be time to catch the trolley out of the Land of Make-Believe and come on down to Neyland Stadium, where 0-3 merely means that you're 2 games back.

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides".  Football and fantasy, amiright?  More like "Game of THROWS" in ATL the other night.

This week: Chicks with Ditkas
There was only one "upset" this week and it was Mr. Russell Ries overcoming a 15.0 pt handicap to beat up on a girl, a most deplorable action.  Beating up on a girl Russell?  I bet that made you feel good.  I bet it make you feel like a BIG MAN!  Well I for one am AGAINST beating women, hear me?  That's right; I'm taking a stand!  Come next week I'm going to bring it.  I'll start my QB, who totally didn't, uh...rape someone.

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top.  That's weak.  Hear me, Mountains?  Rogaine.  It's a thing.

This week:  Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood (62.0%)

Now a two-time "winner" of this award, Phil might need to enlist the services of the Postman to get a better Mr. McFeely for whom to start next week.  (Sidenote: that's about all of the characters I can remember.  I think there was an owl?  Side-Sidenote, that human woman was an ENORMOUS crush for me.  What was her name? Wendy?  Yeah. FINE.)  There were some difficult picks this week for the Cardigan Captain (boom, one more) as he prudently benched Torrey Smith after the death of his brother only to see him go off against the Brady Bunch for 29.5 pts.  Team namesake Aaron Rodgers also laid an egg Monday night with his 9.0 pt performance somehow managing to be outscored by 12 pts by AJ Green, oh, I'm sorry, "Andy Dalton".  That's like giving the pitching machine credit for the home run.

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  Chicks with Ditkas (9.5 pts)

The MVP of the Week appears again, snagging his second award as he finished off his underdog victory over Dawg Pounders with a solid 6.0 pt performance from his PN, Jon Ryan of the Seahawks, or as he's known to his friend Ron Burgundy: "Sex Punther".*

*Note: No one calls Jon Ryan "Sex Punther".

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

" Wait, are you trading a bonafide first round draft choice who is already showing promise for someone who was just picked up off waivers last week for $2 and is looking good because the stud in front of him is out for a few games?  Just checking.  There is a reason the dooleys have an embarrassment of riches at WR all the time.  Maybe you should also pick up Montario Hardesty on Wednesday and make the deal sweeter."

- Mushin no Shin

"3-0, nice!  I'm so glad I was able to win despite participating in my lovely sister's wedding all weekend.  I'll just go get the paper--OH GOD!  SO MANY DOGS!  WHY!?! WHY!?!  THE HOWLING, IT BURNS US!"

- Dapper Dooleys, always so dramatic.  I don't know what that guy's problem is.

"...jake locker finally showing his quality..."

- Brady Gaga, telling a hilarious joke to yours truly after Nate Washington used his super powers to catch passes thrown to other people, in other sports, on other continents, as well as catching Bieber fever, the Ebola virus and a delicious 13lb sea bass

"Nils?  I think Tracy caught your comment last week.  She's been calling me...things.  Hateful things.  TERRIBLE things.  I don't feel safe.  She said I'm "going to go extinct, just like the real buffalo".  I'm scared Nils..."

- Buffalo Stampede

"New England tight end
replaced by Kellen Winslow?
Martellus Bennett"
- Brady Gaga

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Dapper Dooleys (3-0) vs. Brady Gaga (1-2)

The Civil War.  The Russian Revolution.  The Williams Sisters.  Three classic times when sibling fought sibling and no quarter was given.  With Dooleys only a 12.0 pt favorite this is the closest match up of the week as well, and my money is on the newly minted partnership of Candice and Alsace.  Calsace.  Alsandice.  I'm going with Calsace because it sounds like something delicious that I could put on a burger.  Either way:

NEXT WEEK!  CALSACE VS JONATHANNAH!  WINNER TAKES FAMILY BRAGGING RIGHTS UNTIL WEEK 10 

Trade Market Watch:

I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! GAVE UP: JEFFERY, ALSHON CHI WR DAPPER DOOLEYS GAVE UP: RICHARDSON, DARYL STL RB

One trade this week, with little immediate expected impact.  Jeffery appears to be on track for the WR2 role in CHI but Jay Cutler's ability to get him the ball behind a suspect O-line is under question.  Alternately Daryl Richardson has filled in nicely for injured Steven Jackson, but with Jackson already returned from his groin pull, Richardson will have to cool his jets in part-time duty until he gets another opportunity.  Both players are likely headed to a Taxi Squad for now.

FA Hot Stocks:

There's sure to be some roster turnover as we enter the first bye week of the year and people scramble for depth, but as for straight-up FA acquisitions the list is again fairly short.  Carson Palmer will likely get a tryout from some team looking for a shot in the arm at QB after his 23.0 pt Week 3 performance.  Jeremy Kerley and Heath Miller will also likely elicit bids after putting up 19.0 and 26.0 pts respectively, but the lack of consistancey of the NYJ offense will keep the big low on Kerley.  Mikel Leshoure and Daniel Thomas, the real hot stocks after incompetence and injuries opened up roles as RB1s on their respective teams, are already owned.  Expect more pickups next week as players released due to the bye week make their way back onto rosters.