MMQS Week Five

Welcome to the huddles masses, the wretched tide yearning to live free of Mark Sanchez!  Week Five is in the books and we're one week closer to seeing our Wildcat and Savior at the helm of the worst offense this side of the Land of Cleves.  T-rich or Sgreene; who ya got?!?

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill:  A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions.  Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:

The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Dapper Dooleys (224.5)

This was the week we'd been waiting for with Dapper, the full on "eff you" performance that showed off all of those fancy draft picks and trade hauling.  Heading into Monday night's HOU/NYJ game J.Anderson's Juggernaut had already racked up close to 200 points and held a 70 point lead over hapless bystander Replacement Refs gone Wild.  Arian Foster was all frosting, tossing in 23.0 pts and making sure that these refs, at least, were euthanized.  "Oh the humanity?"  More like "Oh the HOUmanity".  Maybe next week's match up, the equally dangerous Dawg Pounders, will be able to avoid the syringe.

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: The Magnetic Turf  
There were two instances of team traitors this week, and this week they actually could have been the deciding factor in a match up.  Commentators will be surprised if S Jairus Byrd survives the next round of roster cuts (don't worry, I hear the job market is GREAT) after his -.5 pt showing contributed to an 11.5 pt loss by Buffalo Stampede.  Everson Griffen posted a similar -.5 pt score for Appalachian Refugees but had less of a chance to effect the outcome.

Molehill - Awarded to the team that had the Highest Efficiency Rating

This week: The Magnetic Turf  (98.6%)

Barely edging out yours truly this week, Da Turff was one pick off of a perfect score as they edged out a tough Buffalo Stampede squad.  Jermaine Gresham may have left an extra 2.5 pts on the bench but it allowed for Phil to post the first healthy temperature ER this season.  He's had enough cowbell folks, time to fill another prescription.

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: Dapper Dooleys (5-0)
BOOOOOOORRRIIIINNNGGG

In all seriousness, this was locked up by around 1:30 on Sunday with Dapper posting the highest score of the sea--BOOOOOORRRRRRIIINNNNGGGG

...Let's move on.

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   Chicks with Ditkas  (153.5)

After a very tough match up last week against I'm a MAN, I'm Forte! Russell's crew of degenerates ran up against a Refugees team that had what we in the business (or as my compatriot from Hotlanta would call "Biz-nassss") call a "setback".  It must be nice to drop 50 pts from your score week to week and yet still coast to an easy victory.  I guess I was just raised to value hard work and fortitude.  Probably why I'm not an upper crust debutante like all of you city folks.  I've seen your email addresses.  "Oooooooh, someone went to COLLEGE and didn't change their address."  Well guess what Mssrs Prissypants, you can now email your comments to MY college address:  Tebownsteak@lecordonbleuschoolofrvrepair.edu

If it gets returned it's probably because I'm still not ENTIRELY sure how computers work yet.

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides".  Football and fantasy, amiright?  More like "Game of THROWS" in ATL the other night.

This week: NA
No upsets this week as I'm sure everyone was just tired from going out to fancy cocktail parties and beating up Owen Wilson, YOU GIANT FLOCK OF UPTIGHT PEACOCKS
 

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top.  That's weak.  Hear me, Mountains?  Rogaine.  It's a thing.

This week:  Dawg Pounders (83.9%)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  A two time ER Champion, Tracy was badly flea-bitten by poor luck.  Start Jimmy Graham?  No thanks, 17.0 pts from Owen Daniels sounds nice.  Perhaps The Oompa Loompa?  Try 27.5 pts and over 200 rushing yards from Ahmad Bradshaw.  The poor prognostication was part of a comfortable winning effort as Tracy rolled over the reeling Brady Gaga, but if she continues to miss on such big performances next week she could be left saying "Dawg Nabbit!"

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  The Magnetic Turf (11.5 pts)

I have now typed Phil's team name as "The Magnetic Turk" 4 times before correcting it in this article, and frankly, I kind of like it better.  I guess there would be a "North Pole-ack" joke in there somewhere but it's just too darn early.  Anyway, TMT eked out a close one this week as helped by the luck dragon and 32.5 pts from Brandon Marshall.  The Magnetic Turk; think about it.

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"AMIF This is the distracting moment you've been waiting for from my team.  A chink in the armor, a slight grimace at the poker table, the rock bouncing off Goliath' head,  a bright light at a nascar race,  a wiggly sign at Walmart denoting low prices on Chinese plastic, Morgana to George Brett, and the wiggly sticks behind the basket at free throws.  Four points from Ryan Williams.  I thought this was his break out game at St. Screwus, the most porous front since Pheobe Cates in Fast Times.  Only my homerism got me.  Could Spiller and Charles have scored more than four points? I'm going out on a limb to say yes"

- Mushin no Shin

"Initiate Operation: Arian Sunset.  These referees must pay for disobeying my Mother-clone Roger Goodell.  Next we shall travel to combat our greatest rival: THE PAY-TON."

- Dapper Dooleys

"I just beat my 2011 team's win total."

- I'm a MAN, I'm Forte!, sharing his domestic violence exploits with everyone.  The first step is admitting that there's a problem, right guys?  MY TEAM WAS SO BAD

Text transcript from this morning:

"-Hi Nils.  This is Jeremy.  It totally is.

-Oh, great!  I was worried about you.  How are you?

-He is fine.  I mean, I am fine.  I am delicious and not dead.

-That's great...Ummm..any chance of a quote for this week's MMQS?

-Yes.  Jeremy says, I mean I say 'I am alive at 7:43AM on Tuesday 10/09.  I am not a pot of stew."

- Buffalo Stampede.  Well, that solves that mystery!

"Tried out new tight end
but somehow still never win

Time to try new coach?"
- Brady Gaga

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Dapper Dooleys (5-0) vs. Dawg Pounders (3-2)

Sic 'em Tracy!

Trade Market Watch:

No trades this week but things should start to heat up soon as the playoff picture becomes clearer.  There were some significant injuries as well and replacements will be needed.  The bye weeks are a dark time, once-proud titans scrambling for Arizona backups in the frigid wastelands of the FA wire.  I once saw John Anderson kill a man for a punter.  A PUNTER.

FA Hot Stocks:

There should be LOTS of movement here due to the aforementioned bye weeks and injuries.  Here are just a few of the names that should garner bids over $1:

Alex Green, RB GB

William Powell, RB ARI

La-Rod Stevens Howling, RB ARI

Robert Meachem, WR SDC

Corey Wooten, DE CHI

Devery Henderson, WR NOS