A throw-down, a slug-fest, a good old fashioned roll of quarters to the mouth. And AFTER the presidential debate we saw some Week Seven FOOTBALL! There were big injuries (MJD, Fred Jones, Trent Richardson, Charles Woodson, Lardarius Webb, Demarco Murray, Jimmy Graham, wait--did I just lump Fred Jones in there? Sorry, I meant to only include talented players. Fred Jones is terrible. Anyway, we are officially at the halfway point for the regular season! Who pulled away and who pulled it close? Not Fred Jones, because he's slow and has terrible hands! Go fall out of a tree Mr. Jones!
MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK
Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.
Weekly Awards:
The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.
This week: Dawg Pounders (185.0)
Tracy continued her narrative of every-other-week domination, putting a thirty point walloping on the homeless from the homeland. This week it was largely a top-heavy affair with Drew "Summer" Brees making her feel fine to the tune of 36.0 points and that terrible pun. Frank Gore was no slouch either, chipping in 23.0 pts and the 4th highest point total for a RB this week.
Season Leader: Dawg Pounders (3)
Despite leading the league in points scored this season Tracy has actually seen her points per week average drop noticeably from last season, likely owing to the decline in production of Jimmy Graham and the loss of MJD (who replaced Rob Gronkowski in trade). Still, averaging a healthy 176ppw the Canine Tallboys are well-poised to make a deep run despite currently sitting 2.0 games back in the division at the midpoint.
The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)
This week: Brady Gaga
Flacco deserved a smack-o in Week 7 as he tossed 2 inexcusable picks to the Texans and barely beat that completion percentage to his own receivers en route to a -2.0 pt day for Chicks with Ditkas. Seeing as the final margin of victory was 46.0 pts it likely wouldn't have mattered, but I'm sure that Russell isn't too happy about seeing MFL suggesting that he start Peyton Manning's zero point bye week score over his QB that actually had a game.
Flacco deserved a smack-o in Week 7 as he tossed 2 inexcusable picks to the Texans and barely beat that completion percentage to his own receivers en route to a -2.0 pt day for Chicks with Ditkas. Seeing as the final margin of victory was 46.0 pts it likely wouldn't have mattered, but I'm sure that Russell isn't too happy about seeing MFL suggesting that he start Peyton Manning's zero point bye week score over his QB that actually had a game.
Season Leader: Dapper Dooleys (tie) The Magnetic Turf (2)
No big surprises here as these two teams have had the weakest opposing performances this season by a comfortable margin. Dapper has of course parlayed this cupcake schedule into a division lead but the Iron Filing Parquets have stumbled to a 4-3 record, just cracking .500 again after a rough stretch. We'll see if the trend continues but one would expect some regression to kick in and hand both of these teams some tougher match ups in the weeks ahead.
Molehill - Awarded to the team that had the Highest Efficiency Rating
This week: Dapper Dooleys (tie) Mushin no Shin (96.1%)
Our first tie in ER comes out this week and it's doubly notable (renotable?) as both performances result in a loss. The double-bye weeks were apt to produce a few high efficiency scores as benches fill with players off for the week and frankly I'm surprised we didn't see anyone put up a higher number. No, you know what? I'm not surprised. I'm just disappointed. You should all go to your room while your mother and I talk about this.
Season Leader: Dapper Dooleys (92.7%)
Efficient picks and a weak record are two ways to post a 6-1 mark at the break. The third way? HGH. I'm not fooled. There must have been a vacuum when Lance retired and I know just who filled it. Anyone who likes orange as much as John does has something to hide, or is an Oompa Loompa. Are you an Oompa Loompa John?
Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak
Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...
This week: I'm a MAN I'm Forte! (3W)
I'd like to say that this is the longest streak I've ever been on but there was a stretch from freshman to junior year of college where I had a strict "no pants" policy. I had more streaks than a zebra. I had more streaks that Blue Streak. I had more streaks than an Arizona Quarterback's underpants facing a blitz. I was naked quite often.
I'd like to say that this is the longest streak I've ever been on but there was a stretch from freshman to junior year of college where I had a strict "no pants" policy. I had more streaks than a zebra. I had more streaks that Blue Streak. I had more streaks than an Arizona Quarterback's underpants facing a blitz. I was naked quite often.
Season Leader (longest streak of the season): Dapper Dooleys (6W)
Come at the King, ya best not miss.
Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win
This week: The Magnetic Turf (143.0)
Phillip shockingly posted the largest margin of victory despite racking up the lowest winning total as Mushin no Shin completely collapsed, finishing with under 100 points and under-performing their projected total by 50. The bye week devastated Anthony's lineup and forced him into starting players of questionable merit such as Justin Blackmon and Sam Bradford. I'm not sure their teams in real life want to start those guys, and that's not a great recipe for fantasy success.
Season Leader: Chicks with Ditkas (139.5)
All the way back in Week 1 the Stasche with the Flash pulled out an improbable win to take a tie for the division lead and give hope to low-scoring teams everywhere. They've been able to amp up their production since then and sit at 162ppw on the season, but that freebie win in Week 1 sure looks nice. Like maybe I'm jealous and I might just break out my "streakin' headband" and go steal it. Ahhh, the streakin' band. It has my monogramme in black thread: "A lad with taste has no need to be chaste". Good times, guys, good times.
Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections
Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in NO the other night...
This week: Brady Gaga (17.0 pt underdog, 46.5 pt winner)
Three upsets this week as again, the bye week effed up everyone's lineups worse than all that streaking did to my college career. I mean, who's afraid of a little penis? I mean, a BIG penis seen a LITTLE amount of times, not a little penis. Wait, no, seriously. I don't have a micropenis! I'm a MAN!
Three upsets this week as again, the bye week effed up everyone's lineups worse than all that streaking did to my college career. I mean, who's afraid of a little penis? I mean, a BIG penis seen a LITTLE amount of times, not a little penis. Wait, no, seriously. I don't have a micropenis! I'm a MAN!
Season Leader: The Magnetic Turf (30.0 pt underdog, 22.5 pt winner)
Not since Week 2 had we seen a 25+ pt underdog come back to take the match up but stalwart "Friend to Poles" Magnetic Turf managed to set the standard just last week with a giant comeback. We talked about this more last week so we'll move right along.
MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating
Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.
This week: Dawg Pounders (83.3%)
It's getting ugly for Tracy, now a 3 time winner of this award. The scary part is that she's been able to overcome these terrible ER scores and still score the most points in the league. If she can somehow improve her season ER of 88.1% up to the league average she could add several more points per week and get back up over 180. Or she could just NOT do that because we're all friends here and it's just a game, k?
Season Leader: Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood (62.0%)
Week 3 saw the bottoming out of MRN, now Replacement Refs Gone Wild. Though they would lose again in Week 4 the re-branding of Phil's squad after that loss would propel them, ala Tampa Bay "Rays" into a 2 week winning streak and get them out of the league basement. Sometimes changing the name of your team from a G-rated children's show to a horribly tasteless porn title is all it takes to light a spark!
Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory
This week: I'm a MAN I'm Forte! (9.5 pts)
Why, it's almost as if Megatron didn't score any points at all!
Season Leader: Buffalo Stampede (4.0 pts)
We don't need to discuss this.
Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:
"I have had the scent of skunk in all my reverse predictions this year. So I'll just say that Megatron is going to have one for the ages tonight. 180 yds receiving and 4 TDs with a 2pt conversion and a TD in overtime, while Cliff Avril breaks an ankle in the first quarter and is carted off, much like my season this year"
- Mushin no Shin, who is a kind and generous soul
"6-and-1 is no fun
6-and-1 is no fun
6-and-1 is no fun
6-and-1 is no fun
6-and-1 is no fun
6-and-1 is no fun
6-and-1 is no fun
..."
- Dapper Dooleys (I got like 7 or 8 pages of this in an email. I'm not sure if it's related to the severed pair of hands wearing Lions receiver gloves that I found in my bed this morning but either way I'm going to start locking the doors.)
"Vincent Jacksommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"
- Brady Gaga, achieving lineup Nirvana and on her way to 33.5 pts from a Tampa receiver, which I STILL can't comprehend.
"...6-and-1 is no fun
6-and-1 is no fun
6-and-1 is no fun..."
- (Seriously, the emails keep coming in. Should I call Shelly Duval?)
"Win two in a row
"Win two in a row
somehow still starts wrong tight end
at least no one died"
- Brady Gaga
"Dearest Nils, please try this crimson libation. I trust that will enough you'll find your eyes are Shining."
-Dapper Dooleys (Did he just give me "red rum"?)
"Dearest Nils, please try this crimson libation. I trust that will enough you'll find your eyes are Shining."
-Dapper Dooleys (Did he just give me "red rum"?)
Next Week's "Featured Match-up":
Buffalo Stampede (3-4) vs. Chicks with Ditkas (4-3)
There are no divison titles up for grabs this coming week but that doesn't mean that it lacks for drama. With both teams coming off of a loss this is a prime h2h to determine who sticks in the playoff hunt and who begins to fade into the scramble for next season. CWD is the early 18.5 pt favorite but as we saw this week the projections are about as accurate as Stevie Wonder playing darts.
Trade Market Watch:
No trades consummated this week but there were plenty of offers flying back and forth. I anticipate the market heating up any day now as teams that are out of it will begin their pre-draft research and start trying to acquire some higher picks.
FA Hot Stocks:
With as many injuries as there were this week we should see some lively bidding. Here are just a few of the names that should garner bids over $1:
Rashad Jennings, JAC RB
Larod Stevens-Howling, RB ARI
Darius Heyward-Bay, WR OAK
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