As Hurricane Sandy rages outside our windows and doors, there's another hurricane that's devastating the league: With eight weeks in the books there are still four teams per division that have a realistic shot at a playoff berth. Only the Dooleys are safe in this brave new world and they have the Dawgs nipping at their heels hunting for that coveted first seed. Week Eight meant a return to big scores, big movement on the trade market, and even a match up that was fit to be...tied?
MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK
Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.
Weekly Awards:
The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.
This week: Chicks with Ditkas (207.0)
Go gently into that dark night? I say "Nay Sir!" After stumbling the last few weeks Russell's ladies came through with some stank in their play, rolling to a 78.0 pt win that must have had him thinking about changing his acronym from CWD to WMD. Continuing a recent trend with the stronger teams the defense made the difference here, with Stevie Brown putting up 17.0 pts and Tim Jennings running one back as part of a 20.0 pt performance. Manning the Elder was no slouch as he chipped in 30.0 and there was even a Brian Hartline sighting, something I'd not expected until spring when he came out of South Beach to try and see his shadow.
The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)
This week: Brady Gaga*
Candice repeats here for the second time in two weeks, gracefully accepting a win with the aid of her double-agent Antonio Cromartie and his -.5 pts. The glaring asterisk on this week's trophy is the performance of Lance Briggs however, as his -.5 pts in the Appalachian Refugees vs. I'm a MAN I'm Forte! match up actually cost the Fugees a win by itself, though they were deemed ineligible as the teams still tied. So that's right Gaga, you win but with an asterisk. I guess you could say that the Refugees were "On the Edge of Glory". No? Didn't get that one? Well, don't blame me, I was "Born (on rocky top) this Way". Either way Cromartie was certainly a "Judas". Wow. I did not realize how well Lady Gaga translated to fantasy football. Well played Candice.
Candice repeats here for the second time in two weeks, gracefully accepting a win with the aid of her double-agent Antonio Cromartie and his -.5 pts. The glaring asterisk on this week's trophy is the performance of Lance Briggs however, as his -.5 pts in the Appalachian Refugees vs. I'm a MAN I'm Forte! match up actually cost the Fugees a win by itself, though they were deemed ineligible as the teams still tied. So that's right Gaga, you win but with an asterisk. I guess you could say that the Refugees were "On the Edge of Glory". No? Didn't get that one? Well, don't blame me, I was "Born (on rocky top) this Way". Either way Cromartie was certainly a "Judas". Wow. I did not realize how well Lady Gaga translated to fantasy football. Well played Candice.
Molehill - Awarded to the team that had the Highest Efficiency Rating
This week: Appalachian Refugees (tie) Brady Gaga (99.7%)
Our second tie in this category comes back to back with our first last week as both managers worked around players on bye weeks and some last minute injury updates. Gaga in particular had some easy calls with 7 of her 9 bench players either on bye or ruled out before the game began. I guess you could say that she was "Telephone"ing it in. She probably told her players on bye to "Just Dance", but don't tell the "Paparazzi"! Man, that woman is a hit factory! She's like the JJ Watt of music!
Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak
Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...
This week: Brady Gaga (3W)*
Another asterisk here as the tie throws a wrench into the standings, the seeding, the record book and my heart. You hear that Frank Gore? You're a heart mechanic and you're BAD AT YOUR JOB. 1 point? What, you couldn't score 1 touchdown but Alex Smith throws 3? He doesn't even have a real name. "Alex Smith" sounds like one of Jason Bourne's fake identities. The only reason I know it isn't is because JASON BOURNE WOULD ACTUALLY BE GOOD AT FOOTBALL. I hope that you trip and hit your shin on something really hard, like a coffee table. Made of axes. Anyway, Brady Gaga continues her push up the standings in Thompson Boling Arena and now sits at .500 and only one game behind Tracy for a playoff spot. With her recent maneuvers on the trade market not having an effect until next week also she must be looming pretty largely in the rear-view mirror.
Another asterisk here as the tie throws a wrench into the standings, the seeding, the record book and my heart. You hear that Frank Gore? You're a heart mechanic and you're BAD AT YOUR JOB. 1 point? What, you couldn't score 1 touchdown but Alex Smith throws 3? He doesn't even have a real name. "Alex Smith" sounds like one of Jason Bourne's fake identities. The only reason I know it isn't is because JASON BOURNE WOULD ACTUALLY BE GOOD AT FOOTBALL. I hope that you trip and hit your shin on something really hard, like a coffee table. Made of axes. Anyway, Brady Gaga continues her push up the standings in Thompson Boling Arena and now sits at .500 and only one game behind Tracy for a playoff spot. With her recent maneuvers on the trade market not having an effect until next week also she must be looming pretty largely in the rear-view mirror.
Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win
This week: Dawg Pounders (157.5)
Overshadowed with the tie controversy is the fact that Tracy pulled out the closest fought win of the season, triumphing by half of one point in a nail-biter against Mushin no Shin. One wouldn't have guessed that it would have come down to such a tiny margin after taking a peek at the projected score earlier this week but Jason Witten (34.0 pts) and Julio Jones (22.0) kept it Old School while Brees (16.0 pts) and Gore (7.0 pts) were all like "No thank you, we go to this new progressive "Funducational Learning Center" down on Highland." And we be like "Oh, the one by Pottery Barn?" And they be all "No, that's not on Highland, that's on Bayview. Highland is North close to 10 blocks near the Cinnabon." Straight trippin.
Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections
Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in NO the other night...
This week: Brady Gaga (32.0 pt underdog, 54.0 pt winner)
There was 1 true upset this week as Brady Gaga roared back into contention with some savvy moves and a redemptive Brady performance. 70.5 pts from your QB and RB1 go a long way towards making up ground, and Giselle's Germanotta's ended up outperforming her projection point output by over 40 while the Replacement Refs gone Wild continued to struggle and went for the same margin in the other direction. I guess when you couldn't get hired by DIII schools you probably shouldn't try out for the majors. Sidenote: Was the third Mighty Ducks movie referring to Division III, or does Division III refer to the third Mighty Ducks movie? I feel like there's a tie-in there. You're welcome, hockey person that isn't playing because hockey is in a lockout.
There was 1 true upset this week as Brady Gaga roared back into contention with some savvy moves and a redemptive Brady performance. 70.5 pts from your QB and RB1 go a long way towards making up ground, and Giselle's Germanotta's ended up outperforming her projection point output by over 40 while the Replacement Refs gone Wild continued to struggle and went for the same margin in the other direction. I guess when you couldn't get hired by DIII schools you probably shouldn't try out for the majors. Sidenote: Was the third Mighty Ducks movie referring to Division III, or does Division III refer to the third Mighty Ducks movie? I feel like there's a tie-in there. You're welcome, hockey person that isn't playing because hockey is in a lockout.
MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating
Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.
This week: Buffalo Stampede (78.2%)
This week it was all about one player for Jeremy as Michael Crabtree turned into Michael Grabtree for Monday night's game against Arizona. 24.0 points and renewed unrealistic expectations make a nice ER score turn bad pretty quickly. Pret-tay, pret-tay, pret-tay quickly.
Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory
This week: Dawg Pounders (0.5 pts)
Could have been me. One avoided sack. One garbage time run. I guess this week was the one to pour one out for Mah Dawgs. You literally cannot get closer than .5pts so Tracy has this record locked up for the season, and the only thing people can hope for is to tie.
Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:
"Go tell all the haters: Brady's back Baby!"
- Brady Gaga
"Heeeeeeeerrrreeee's Pondy!"
- Dapper Dooleys, who had a tree fall onto his deck during the storm yesterday, much like Jeremy, who had a Crabtree fall on his bench.
"Done with my schoolwork, ready to help with Gore's massage!"
- Dawg Pounders, channeling her best Milton Berle, who always used to pull out jusssssssst enough to win
"Except if I'm to win, Frank Gore needs to pull his achilles tendon through his esophagus. Maybe he goes out not due to injury, but to the danged chilly air notorious in San Francisco and Alex Smith runs it all by himself. Meanwhile the SF D eats the other team for a late supper."
- Mushin no Shin, who pretty much called it
"Three in a row now
"Three in a row now
but Hernandez out again
London bridge to four?"
- Brady Gaga
"Sending a dedication out to Nils!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQgd6MccwZc
(I hope you enjoy writing this week's review as much as I'll enjoy reading about myself)"
- Chicks with Ditkas, who picked the same week to score 200 pts as a tie, a .5 pt win and a 30 point underdog victory so he totally got overshadowed anyway.
"Sending a dedication out to Nils!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQgd6MccwZc
(I hope you enjoy writing this week's review as much as I'll enjoy reading about myself)"
- Chicks with Ditkas, who picked the same week to score 200 pts as a tie, a .5 pt win and a 30 point underdog victory so he totally got overshadowed anyway.
Next Week's "Featured Match-up":
I'm a MAN I'm Forte (5-2-1) vs. Chicks with Ditkas (5-3)
Less of a rematch and more of a "First Blood Part II" situation, this might be the most evenly matched contest we've had this season. One half game apart in the standings and incredibly just 2.5 points apart in their season point totals, it will all come down to this. Man, I sure wish I had some running back depth. Oh, wait...
Trade Market Watch:
BRADY GAGA GAVE UP: YEAR 2014 ROUND 1 DRAFT PICK FROM BRADY GAGA I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! GAVE UP: JACKSON, FRED BUF RB
I'M A MAN! I'M FORTE! GAVE UP: RICHARDSON, DARYL STL RB WOODSON, CHARLES GBP S YEAR 2014 ROUND 1 DRAFT PICK FROM BRADY GAGA REPLACEMENT REF'S GONE WILD GAVE UP: JOHNSON, CHRIS TEN RB*
Two deals, both by yours truly. Jackson has rebounded since a few weeks ago when he was a throw-in and now appears to have the larger split of the carries in Buffalo. Chris Johnson carries the all-important extension option and while Daryl Richardson might take over in St. Louis if Steven Jackson is traded, flags fly forever and it hasn't happened yet. Gaga gains a crucial replacement for Mendenhall and Phil gains 2 huge pieces in his rebuilding effort. It will likely take until the end of the season to see if there was a clear winner in either trade but all 3 teams gained what they needed and so everyone should trade with Nils all the time, until the END of time. To be fair I'll probably end up trading you a running back regardless of whatever you actually want.
* Pending
FA Hot Stocks:
It will likely be a quiet week in terms of major bidding as some trades finally pushed through and some teams are starting to approach the contract year cap. Here are a few of the names that should garner bids over $1:
Daniel Thomas RB MIA
Joel Dressen TE DEN
Mike Goodson, OAK RB
Mike Goodson, OAK RB
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