MMQS Week Ten

Free from the obfuscation of a small sample size, this week the playoff picture became a bit clearer.  With 3 weeks left each win means an almost 10% better chance of celebrating come December, and each loss is another nail in the coffin lid.  Four teams to rise above, four teams to lead them.  Four teams to raise the dawgs...and in the darkness feed them.  Bad joke?  Well too bad.  This deep into the season I'm like a dress maker working on the Christina Aguilera account: running out of material.  THIS IS WEEK 10!

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill:  A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions.  Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:

The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Dawg Pounders (198.5)

How foolishly I tempted the Karmic Gods when I posted my playoff preview article yesterday and put myself in the fourth playoff spot instead of Tracy's hounds.  To be sure, they came into Week 10 at a mediocre 4-5, but this was no ordinary sub-.500 team as they've been the highest scoring team nearly all season.  The DPers (also an acronym for what they DID to my team this week) racked up the top score thanks to 32.5 pts from re-emerging stud Jimmy Graham, as well as two more performances from consistently elite Drew Brees (25.5 pts) and Demaryius Thomas (22.5 pts).  Now at 5-5 and only 1.0 game out of a playoff spot, they'll have to beat the 2 toughest teams in their division to keep the momentum going, but last week was apparently far too early to put these dawgs do--send them to a farm.  Where they'll be happy and chase frisbees forever.  Because that's what happens to dogs.

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: The Magnetic Turf
A stud option at QB just a few scant weeks ago, the younger Manning brother has suddenly become someone very difficult to (R)Eli on.  -1.0 pts was certainly not what Buffalo Stampede was hoping for in Week 10, especially against a soft Bengals secondary and with Hakeem Nicks finally healthy and playing.  That's what he got, however, and it was crushing as it led to an eventual 3.0 pt loss and vaulted rival Da Turff into a playoff slot.  It looks like the Stampede's streak of bad luck hasn't quite ended yet, and 2012 will be a welcome sight in their rear view mirror.

Molehill - Awarded to the team that had the Highest Efficiency Rating

This week: Appalachian Refugees  (93.6%)

A strange week this week as only 2 teams managed to score an ER above 90%.  That's roughly in line with the season averages so far (3 teams averaging over 90% ER for the year) but the lowest weekly total of any week.  Sadly Bill and Jimmy were unable to turn their skill into a win this week as it was more a product of bye weeks and injury than any divine selection aptitude.  A total of 10.0 pts was scored by their bench in Week 10, less than half of the next highest total (scored by Brady Gaga, who posted the next highest ER as well).

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: Mushin no Shin (tie) Chicks with Ditkas (3W)

With Brady Gaga knocked off in the battle of the soul reavers the title of longest streak holder goes to two teams that have fought and clawed their way into the 2nd and 3rd playoff spots, albeit in very different ways.  Mushin no Shin's squad sits at 6-4 despite scoring the 6th most points of any team in the league, whilst the Vageen with Peen have scored the 3rd most and are only 1.0 pt behind 2nd in that capacity.  With an average weekly point differential of 2.2 pts can Mushin keep it up?  They go head to head in Week 12 so at least 1 of them is guaranteed to have 7 wins by then.  That just might be able to sneak in for CWD but Mushin will likely need to take 2 of 3.

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   The Magnetic Turf  (129.5)

When you have 3 top-10 QBs in a 1-QB league you should really not be starting Shonn Greene and Mikel Leshoure at RB.  Then again, when you have Matt Ryan dropping 31.0 pts each week you could probably start Bonn Breene and Fikel Fissure and still win.  Those are fake names I made up.  No John, don't--you only have 2 CY left?!?  WHY DO YOU KEEP ADD/DROPPING SIDNEY RICE??  He's signed to the equivalent of a 34 year contract by now!

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides".  Football and fantasy, amiright?  More like "Game of THROWS" in NO the other night...

This week: Dawg Pounders (15.5 pt underdog, 54.0 pt winner)
Back to back choke jobs?  What am I, I David Carradine porn?

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top.  That's weak.  Hear me, Mountains?  Rogaine.  It's a thing.

This week:  I'm a MAN I'm Forte (78.1%)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDN9y2vTdUs

I wonder if renaming my team "The Bench" would encourage my players to score while in the starting lineup.  Sort of a "comfort zone" thing.

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  The Magnetic Turf (3.0 pts)

A nail biter here as both teams under performed their projections by over 30 points.  The aforementioned Matt Ryan and Brandon Marshall (19.0 pts) were enough to carry the day for the Poles of Podiatry Proclivity.

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"Nils, I hate to say it, but you didn't close your eyes when the Germans raised the lid on the Arc of the Riversnant in Indiana Jones and your team has melted.  Just like famous curses like "Drag Me to Hell," the dude who opened King Tut's tomb, the death of every president elected every 20 years, James Dean's car 'Little Bastard" that killed him and everyone else who either bought the car or parts from the car. And like every vampire that ever graced the screen, you invited him onto your team by initiating the trade with me, and he has sucked the life out ever since.  Now if you were as hot as Anna Paquin, then no problem, but I'm afraid that's not the case.  I'm afraid you've been diagnosed with Riversnoma and apparently there is no known cure or reason as to why he throws more picks than TDs, fumbles on the goal line, or crumbles in nationally televised games.  He's a cancer in the locker room Nils and your other players know it and its affecting their performance. Even Dan Dierdorff said "I don't know that Phi Rivers is not the kind of guy that I wouldn't start in My Fantasy League."  I'm not sure what he means, but it can't be good."

- Mushin no Shin, perhaps foreseeing Big Ben's injury and the eventuality of my needing to start Rivers next week.  

"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AoOa-Fz2kw"

- Dapper Dooleys, who emerged from his Week 10 match up a young man, fit and lean.  Only his eyes remained those of a 30 year old, and evil lurked in their depths...

"Nils, 
At least you haven't traded away every draft pick for the next 3 years to try and win this year only to realize you can't actually coach.  I have solidified the #5 playoff spot for the foreseeable future.  Only if I win the rookie draft, I'm giving the number one pick to someone else.  I'm working for the man forever."

-  Mushin no Shin, perhaps hinting that he'd take Antonio Gates off of my hands if I also sent him a RD3 pick...oh, he's not?  SWEET HONEY PAJAMAS take him!  A Rivers runs through the Gates of Hell!

"So in light of the disaster that has become University of Tennessee football, I have decided to change my name this week to "Please Hamster Don't hurt em!" to ward off the Doug Martin mojo and a new more permanent name change will take effect in week 11.

Oh, and I was expecting to get another TD in the thursday results. THis game is rigged and I blame the commiss... never mind."

- Please Hamster Don't hurt Em!, speaking slowly, as if tasting the language of humans with his new mouth parts for the first time.

"It's now I slumber

awaiting my turn to live,

hopefully playoffs"

- found inscribed on a recently disturbed tomb in Wells, Maine.  The grave is marked with ancient runes.  When translated they read:

"Ra ra rum ma maaaa
Gaga ooh la laaaaaaa
Want your bad romannnnnce"

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Please Hamster Don't hurt Em! (8-2) vs. Chicks with Ditkas (7-3)

Winner moves 1 game away from clinching a playoff spot, and this could serve as a title showdown preview.  It's a boon to those struggling for the 3rd and 4th spots that these two have to play each other but it means that it'll go right down to the wire as the bottom of the food chain devour each other in the background.  Like rats.  Because I saw Skyfall yesterday and dayum Son, that rat speech was whack.  How does Penelope Cruz deal with getting whispered sweet nothings by Javier Bardem every night?  He gave me a fear boner about 3 sentences into the movie.

Trade Market Watch:

No trades this week, and we may have seen the big "wait till next year" sale pass us by.  The bye weeks take one more shot in Week 11 and from there on out it's smooth sailing: to the playoffs for some, and sweet sweet release for others.

FA Hot Stocks:

Another quiet week but as it IS a bye week for some there will remain some low-level activity.  Here are a few of the names that should garner bids over $1:

Marcel Reece, RB OAK

Chris Ivory, RB NOS

Collin Kapernick, QB SF

Byron Leftwich, QB PIT