Week Two Recap

Week Two, or as I like to call it: not time to push the panic button but maybe time to FIND it.  Just be aware of its present location.  You know, for week four when you're 0-4 and you're starting Joique Bell as your RB and...wait.  Joique Bell has how many points this year?  In the NFL?  Professional football, not Madden?  Well, wow, okay.  For week four, when you're starting Julian Edelman as your WR1 and--wait...no...just...just no.

MONDAY MORNING QUARTER-SLACK

Okay folks, you know the drill: A brief introduction, by either yours truly or a celebrity guest, the weekly awards, with a decidedly mountainous theme as befits our league name, quotable quotes from around the league that week (I'll pull them from message board posts and emails, and otherwise will totally make them up to suit my needs), and finally a preview of the coming week's match-ups and FA transactions. Any comments/suggestions can be sent to nilsferm@gmail.com and I will promptly use them however I wish.

Weekly Awards:The Everest - Awarded to the Highest-Scoring team of the week.

This week:  Replacement Refs Gone Wild (294.8)

You may look at Phil's league-crushing 295 point week and brush it off as merely "Aaron Rodgers going off".  Or, you may say "Hey, Randall Cobb plays WITH Ay-Ay-Ron Rodgers, so it makes sense that Phil could have weeks like this."  But no.  This performance was about so much more.  This was Mario Williams, "Mr. $60", dropping the God-damnest largest second shoe of 2013 so far.  Maligned, jeered at, a punchline more used than the Bills's opponent's end zone in 2012, Mario absolutely CRUSHED it.  His 25.4 points in Week Two put him at 23rd overall for the week, regardless of position.  He outscored the next highest DE by 7 full points.  Even with how awesome Rodgers was, he only outscored the next QB by 6.  That's some damn fine hustle, and hat's off to Mario.  For at least this week he earned his fantasy paycheck.

The (Mushin) Mohammed - Awarded to a win aided most by Negative Point-Scoring by the Opponent (This Mountain came TO Mohamed)

This week: None
Kaepernick barely missed out on this one with his dismal 1.3pt performance against Seattle but Vontaze Burfict (anagram of "Brave Tonic Futz" managed to salvage the win over the Kommisar and his Cordarrelicte Campaign.  David Wilson IS still at -2.6pts on the season though, so you know, THAT'S hilarious.  You can tell a team is Anthony's when even his offense plays defense.

Iceberg- Awarded to the team that had the Highest Scoring Performance left Benched

This week: Replacement Refs gone Wild  (36.2)

Remember how I said earlier than Discount Double-Check beat the second highest scoring QB by 6 points?  No?  Go back and read the first section again.  I'll wait.  Actually, I won't, but I'll be here when you get back.  Welcome back!  Well, the second QB was Michael Vick, who threw for more yards in Week Two than Tim Tebow has in his last 6 games in the NFL.  Yes, I looked it up.  Pretty quiet on that player page.  After watching JAC play this week, maybe a little TOO quiet.

Mount Katahdin - Awarded to the team with the Longest Winning Streak

Because the Appalachian Trail is like a streak, and Katahdin is the end of it, and it's a mountain, and...

This week: (tie) Replacement Refs gone Wild and The Over/Undertakers (2 wins)

This is really a tale of two paths to an undefeated start, as the Refs have rolled in their two contests and lead the overall league scoring by almost 60 points.  Rob, however, sits a mere eighth in scoring and has benefited from the weakest opponent performance by almost 40 points.  One could point to these stats and make the argument that Rob is due for a course correction South, but that's what she said, so yeah.  Rob faces the Kommissar next week while The Phils battle to decide who has to go by "Philip" for the rest of the season.

Coors Light - Awarded to the team with the Lowest Point Total in a Win

This week:   The Over/Undertakers  (190.2)
You probably assumed that this was coming after the above statistic was revealed, but I personally expect Rob to rebound to a larger point total in Week 3.  When you're All-Day you get more than the 8.7 you scored in Week 2, and all reports indicate that Reggie Bush is healthy and should start next week.  Those two players alone should be enough to bump the rookie back up to the 215-225 range.

Gregor Clegane - Awarded to the team that pulled off the Biggest Upset According to Projections

Because he's "The Mountain who Rides". Football and fantasy, amiright? More like "Game of THROWS" in DEN the other night...

This week: Mushin no Shin (44.9pt projected loss, 2.8pt win)

"This win's too much of a blow-out," said Kaepernick, "I'll throw a pick."

"Uh oh, this win's too close!  I'd better run for all of the yards on the field!" said Julio Jones.

"Why, THIS win is just Burfict," said Vontaze Burfict, who then made weird, uncomfortable eye contact with everyone in the locker room.

MDI (Mount Desert Island) - Awarded to the team with the Worst Efficiency Rating

Because our mountains don't even have trees on top. That's weak. Hear me, Mountains? Rogaine. It's a thing.

This week:  Chicks with Ditkas (74.9%)

This was a tough week for Russel, as his Mammaries with bulges in fronts of their Pajamaries just couldn't seem to put it together.  154.6 points last year gave you an outside shot at a win but in 2013 it's just not close.  Big performances on the pine by Jerrell Freeman and Greg Olsen didn't help matters but better teams have already lost to Rob.  Me.  I'm talking about my team.

Cliffhanger - Awarded to the team with the Smallest Margin of Victory

This week:  Mushin no Shin (2.8 pts)

Seven IDPs in double figures.  I think that we're all aware that Anthony has turned into the defensive guru of Rocky Top, but his performance this week also announced a presence as a potentially devastating contender.  It was Week 8 before John's team of roided-up misanthropes finally lost in 2012 but this week Mushin's DTs were DTF them up, and did so.  I'd be a bit concerned about their capacity for consistent production at an elite level, but in a short off season this team has gone from rebuilding to emphatically rebuilt, and they certainly protected that house against some tough competition this week.

Quotable Quotes from around the League this Week:

"John, I'll trade you a terrible RB (take your pick from Pead, Pierce, or any on the TS list) if you could put an O next to Dwayne Allen before 12:58.  I feel like  Vladimir and Estragon waiting for Gimpdot."

- Mushin no Shin, explaining in 2 concise sentences why he is still a virgin.

"Based on the recent acquisition of Brandon Jacobs I would like to revise my cost structure. Roy Helu is now on the market for $67, Fred Jackson for $119 and Lesean McCoy got $799.99."

- Midnight in the Gordon of Weeden, neglecting to mention the INCREDIBLE BARGAIN of Brandon Myers for a time machine back to the end of last season.

"Desperate times....I lived with Gore since the beginning of this league...through all his Ps and Qs and who knew he'd go so high..."

- Dawg Pounders.  I imagine that living with Gore would be like living with the alien from American Dad.  Just doesn't seem like a "wearing pants" guy to me.

"Martellus breaks out!

...then breaks his hamstring tendon

now back to square one."

- Muscle 'N Flow

"Here's my best Bill Barnwell impression.
Who is player A and who is player B from 2012 numbers? Who is more known for fumbling and who is an old decrepit coach?

                               Att  Yds   Avg  Lng  TD  Rec  Yds  Avg  Lng  TD  FUM Lost
Player A TOTAL  335  1,613  4.8  39    13  11     77   7.0    20     0     4       3

Player B TOTAL  71       358   5.0  52    4     4      34    8.5   15      1     1      1"

- Mushin no Shin, doing a pretty passable Barnwell impression.  Sure, the virginity helped, but the stats were convincing as well.

"Excuse me, but I have an after-onside-kick party to attend."

-Cordarrellicte Campaign

Next Week's "Featured Match-up":

Cordarrellicte Campaign (1-1) vs. The Over-Undertakers (2-0)

The master versus the newcomer in a match up that could send John to below .500 for the first time in YEARS.  I just want to put this in the oven, crank it to 450, wait 45min, plate it with a little dab of horseradish mustard and some artfully casual greens and just go to town.  Oddly enough, I've heard that's how Zach Sudfeld prepares for every practice, game and press conference now.  A real bright future, that one.  The next Gronk!